By Steve Rhodes

It’s really not true that the Cubs are no longer cute or lovable. In fact, they’re a little too cute for my taste. Their home runs leave rainbow chemtrails, and unicorn horns burst from their foreheads when they gallop the basepaths. Some of them are barely old enough to legally drink the celebratory Champagne in the clubhouse; others are old enough but too angelic, as if they don’t want to displease their parents, who will be mad enough that their clothes are doused in alcohol, much less their bloodstream. I really wouldn’t want to party with these guys because it’d be all Katy Perry and birthday cake.
It kind of makes me want to vomit.

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Posted on October 8, 2015

By Carl Mohrbacher

The Agony Of Victory
Aw crap, the Bears just gave everyone hope.
I know it was a fun game and you want to get excited again, but all I can say is: don’t.
Just . . . don’t.
But Cutler came back and the offense looked semi-functional!
Don’t.

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Posted on October 8, 2015

Another Beachwood Thought Experiment

* The head of the CTA one day would be the head of CPS the next . . .
* Zoo Day: Animals released into city streets to get residents to relax.
* We’d not only have an elected school board, Chris Coghlan would be on it.
* Aldermen required to wear onesies to city council meetings.

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Posted on October 6, 2015

By Jim Coffman

John Fox is too old and Jay Cutler too far along in his career for the Bears to totally tank this season. Management will make smart little moves like dumping ill-suited veterans (Willie Young could certainly follow Jared Allen out the door if general manager Ryan Pace can get anything for him) or injury-prone question marks if there are draft picks to be had.
But don’t bet on them moving Matt Forte unless they lose all three of the games – eminently possible! – they have left before the October 28 trade deadline. And even if that happens a Forte trade probably won’t.
And let us pause here to note that Mr. Forte had a hell of a first quarter of the season that concluded with the Bears’ 22-20 victory over the Raiders on Sunday. After battling for 91 hard yards on 25 carries Sunday and adding 64 more on four receptions, Forte is second in the league with 367 total rushing yards, only five behind leader Adrian Peterson. He also has 13 total receptions for 133 yards.

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Posted on October 5, 2015

By Marty Gangler

That’s the big question as the Cubs embark once more unto the breach, dear friends. What if they win the whole thing?
Sure it’s been speculated upon for years – the part about the Cubs faithful burning the city to the ground and wandering the ruins for months in a drunken stupor. And, yeah, that could really happen.
But how would all things Cub really change? I’ve been thinking in terms of all the things that would go away, never to be thought of again. I submit to you a list.
* The Billy Goat Tavern(s). Poof! Gone. Replaced in an instant with Beachwood Inns.

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Posted on October 4, 2015

By Roger Wallenstein

Call it our National Pastime
Or America’s Game,
But the way the White Sox play it,
Is just a doggone shame.
Where is the energy?
What happened to the drive?
Management keeps reminding us
They won it all in two thousand-five.

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Posted on October 4, 2015

By Jim Coffman and Steve Rhodes

Invited to cute play-in game. Plus: Inside Coach Coffman’s Castle; The Immorality Of Daily Fantasy And Their Native Radio Announcer Advertising Tools; Jerry Reinsdorf’s Pet Cemetery; The Ridiculous Resurrection Of Jay Cutler; The Bulls Are Back Dragging D-Rose’s Baggage Around; and the Positive Coaching Alliance.

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Posted on October 2, 2015

By Thomas Chambers

That old saw that parents should not be their kids’ best friend?
Cubs win big tonight and there’s Maddon out on the field high-fiving them all: “You are the greatest and most bestest and nicest bunch of guys every minute of every day I have ever seen! You are truly great and you are loved! Juice boxes for everyone!”
I think I’m gonna hurl.

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Posted on October 1, 2015

By Carl Mohrbacher

Pee Yew “N” “T”
Busy day for starting punter Pat O’Donnell, who successfully kicked the ball away from Jimmy Clausen in every Bears offensive series.
In case you missed the game, congratulations on your exciting day of yardwork, tax prep, abortion, or any of the other activities that were more entertaining than the process of watching last Sunday’s contest in Seattle.

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Posted on October 1, 2015