Chicago -
No Rest For The Wretched At America’s Horror Show
“In 1976, a San Francisco video collective took some of the earliest portable cameras and descended on Miami for Super Bowl X,” Deadspin reports. “They produced one of the best, funniest, strangest, and most revealing football documentaries ever made.”
Here it is, in four parts:
1. The devil’s got you.
Posted on January 31, 2014
By Dan O’Shea
A long winter break is something you shouldn’t come off of too quickly – you could sprain something.
So, I’m going to mull over my fantasy baseball draft kit for another week before I start handing out the goodies.
Instead, let’s look at some players at the center of off-season moves that could have major significance for the fantasy season to come:
Posted on January 29, 2014
By Jim Coffman
In a world where the Cubs are tanking a third season in a row but are still projected to still draw well over 2 million fans, a world with no Derrick Rose but with Adam Dunn, a world where the Bears defense is historically bad, at least Chicago sports fans have the Blackhawks.
They enter this week with 76 total points and sit atop the Central Division. The Anaheim Ducks (83) have pulled away a bit in the Western Conference overall, but when the Hawks last faced them a little less than two weeks ago, they controlled the game on the way to a 4-2 victory.
Wait a minute, I’m receiving an update. What’s that, the Hawks have lost three in a row? They are hitting the road for a seven-game ice show road trip off the heels of one of their worst losses of the season, a 3-1 setback against the Winnipeg Jets at the UC last night?
Hoo boy.
Posted on January 27, 2014
By Roger Wallenstein
When I heard that Robin Ventura had signed an extension as White Sox manager, my question didn’t focus so much on the wisdom of three more years – apparently he now is under contract through the 2016 season – with a guy who just guided the team to 99 losses last season.
No, my original curiosity remains about why Ventura took the job in the first place.
Posted on January 27, 2014
Another Beachwood Special Report
Japanese pitching phenom Masahiro Tanaka rejected Chicago twice in signing with the Yankees this week instead of one of our local teams.
While conventional wisdom has Tanaka choosing New York for the money, the big stage, and the chance to win at least one if not many World Series championships, the Beachwood has learned that a variety of other factors turned him away from Chicago.
* Cubs offered $175 million over seven years to be paid out in Ventra cards.
* White Sox refused to build Tanaka a cooler stadium in a better location.
* Clark the Cub.
* Unelected school board.
Posted on January 23, 2014
By Jim Coffman
The Cubs, and particularly chairman Tom Ricketts, don’t want to sign Masahiro Tanaka. But they realize they can’t afford to let the White Sox have him.
The bottom line is it would be a huge upset if either Chicago team signed the top remaining free agent starting pitcher. Other teams bidding for the player who went a ridiculous 24-0 for the Japanese League champ Rakuten Eagles last season reportedly include the Dodgers and Yankees. And those teams have of course displayed far more willingness to spend huge on free agents than Ricketts’ Cubs, or the White Sox for that matter.
Those teams also represent a far better chance for Tanaka to quickly play for a contending team than do the Cubs. After a deadline of late last week for teams to make an offer to the Japanese pitcher, a deadline the Cubs and White Sox both met, there is a deadline late this week for Tanaka to choose a contract.
Posted on January 20, 2014
Mission Impossible?
* Trade him for Bernie Brewer.
* Build a bear den in the rafters and he comes out after every home run to maul a deer. Or shotgun an Old Style.
* Redesign him as the opposite of everything he is now.
* Build a better backstory that includes a meth lab, a hooker and a goat.
* Ditch Regis and hire Brant Brown.
* Make him sentient.
Posted on January 17, 2014
By Steve Rhodes
You would never known he was a big-time celebrity, strolling into Hub 51 (he’s banned from Harry Caray’s; there was an incident) in just a jeans and t-shirt, greeting the waitstaff like they were old friends and farting freely and unself-consciously throughout our interrview. No, Clark Gabriel Cub really is just a regular guy, despite the glitz and glamour. As he picked at his Del Mar Seafood Salad and sucked down six Amstel Lights, we talked about life, longing and how he came to be the Cubs mascot. This is an edited transcript.
How did you get the job?
Well, this is Chicago, so obviously it was because I had a connection. In this case, it was Crane Kenney. Me and Crane trained together at Cypress Gardens back in the day. We we’re trying to get to the Show – Disneyland. What I didn’t know is that the whole time Crane was helping the warden, er, that’s what we called him, the executive director, keep a second set of books to evade taxes. Then I worked the what we used to call the shitlin’ circuit – Boone’s Farm, Chuck E. Cheese conventions, Geyser Falls . . . I mean, it was a lot of toil. But I kept in touch with Crane the whole time.
Posted on January 16, 2014
By Jim Coffman
Why is it so hard for so many professional commentators to understand that tanking is the death of sports? Does it have something to do with the fact that they don’t buy tickets?
Since Derrick Rose was injured, many seemingly intelligent voices have called for the Bulls to lose on purpose – i.e., to tank – to gain entry into the draft lottery of non-playoff teams and secure a high pick later this year. And, true, the 2014 collegiate and international talent disbursal projects as top-heavy with serious prospects like local guy Jabari Parker (Duke preceded by Simeon) and Andrew Wiggins (Kansas) as top attractions.
But fans who buy tickets do so with certain fundamental assumptions. Primary among them is that the team they are paying to see will try its hardest to win. It isn’t exactly complicated and yet people continue to advocate that the Bulls blithely violate that trust.
This column is the introduction to Anti-tanking 101, by the way. We will be running through the basics. A more nuanced take on the issue, Competitive Fire 202, will be offered next semester.
Posted on January 13, 2014
By The Onion
A new study from the NFL’s Head, Neck, and Spine committee finds that giving up the slam-bang action of football can lead to serious depression, violence, and suicide.
Posted on January 10, 2014
