By J.J. Tindall
Maelstrom
Meet the new boss –
tongue of bricks –
sharpening his trowel
to tuckpoint the Shithouse
as the excruciating maelstrom
expands, like a universe.
Posted on May 31, 2011
Beer The Inspiration
A Very Special Beachwood Public Service Announcement: Someone Please Feed Erin Heatherton
By The Beachwood Supermodel Affairs Desk
Skokie supermodel Erin Heatherton (known by her birth name of Erin Heather Bubley at Niles North High), back in town on Wednesday for a Victoria’s Secret gig (and a stop at Wrigley Field) is only a super model if you want your daughter to grow up super anorexic. There is nothing sexy about walking skeletons. Or as the street may say, baby ain’t got back. She probably ain’t got a menstrual cycle no more either.
1. Thinner than a bat.
Posted on May 26, 2011
Jellies at the Shedd
By The Beachwood You’re Freakin’ Me Out Man Affairs Desk
“Be transported to the beautiful and mysterious world of sea jellies. In Shedd’s new special exhibit, Jellies, discover the intriguing ways these pulsing, translucent animals survive – and thrive – in the world’s oceans. Learn how a jelly can devour enough food to double its weight each day, or how sea nettles hunt by trailing their long stinging tentacles to paralyze prey upon contact. And they do it all without blood, bones, or brains. On Earth for millions for years, but at Shedd for only a limited time! Jellies runs through May 28, 2012.”
– Shedd Aquarium
1. By AnnaMarkiewiczIdeas.
–
Posted on May 23, 2011
The Week in WTF
By David Rutter
1. Oprah, WTF?
Really, WTEffinF. Chicagoans apparently have underdeveloped gag reflexes. We get second-by-second coverage of her launch into California orbit, sort of like a Space Shuttle liftoff except all the O-rings work.
This just in. Oprah has left. We’re still here. Sort of like Saturday’s Rapture. (Being heathens, WTF’s staff is not making plans. But you can save Fluffy if you’re worried.)
As for O’s liftoff, Chicago apparently has not fallen into Lake Michigan in a mass suicide pact. It was a close call. More proof that the terrorists have defeated our national sense of self-worth and dignity.
Posted on May 20, 2011
How The Chicago Media Will Cover The Rapture
By Steve Rhodes
An old joke about how the nation’s news organizations will cover the end of the world – which is Saturday, dontcha know – predicts the The Wall Street Journal will go with “God says world to end tomorrow; market to close early” while the Washington Post will announce “God says world to end tomorrow; women and minorities hardest hit.”
Let’s add some Chicago outlets – and personalities – to the mix.
Tribune: “Frenzied Families Prepare For End With Mixed Feelings.”
Eric Zorn: “Where Does The Word ‘Rapture’ Come From?”
John Kass: “God Is A Chumbolone If He Thinks He Can Outsmart The Daleys.”
Mary Schmich: “A Poem For God, Explaining The iPod.”
Tom Skilling: “Forecast Partly Hotter Than Blazes For Weekend Rapture.”
Editorial: “Memo to God: Cut Pensions First.”
Posted on May 19, 2011
How To Spend $1,000 On Dinner For Two In Chicago
By Ben Hart
“We had a great dinner at Alinea restaurant in Chicago. This dinner was not cheap – $950 for two (including the tip). It could easily have been $2,000 had we gone full hog on this. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience, thanks to a gift certificate we received from some dear friends. The food was delicious, the presentation incredible. It actually was worth the $1,000. You have to make a reservation two months in advance. We finally got in on a Thursday. It’s rated the #1 restaurant in North America by Gourmet and Restaurant magazines (#6 in the world).”
Posted on May 18, 2011
Chicagoetry: A Suit Of Jade
By J.J. Tindall
A Suit of Jade
The moments of my greatness
have flickered and faded.
The oil of my ambition
has ossified to jade.
I sought a train home
from the garage of servitude
up from south State
to the mirage of solitude.
Posted on May 17, 2011
Chicago Lawn Mower For Sale
The Week in WTF
By David Rutter
1. Garry McCarthy, WTF?
Based on the federal probe of his Newark police department, he seems like a perfect fit for Chicago.
Mistreatment of detainees in holding cells? Shield-protected retaliation? Excessive force? Jon Burge probably feels he retired too soon.
But don’t worry. The new mayor says McCarthy was totally vetted by the Chicago Police Board. WTF is feeling better already.
Posted on May 13, 2011