Chicago -
By The Beachwood Resurrection Affairs Desk
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Rahm Emanuel: Swearing. At his children. After midnight. On weekdays.
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Richard M. Daley: Trying to understand the meaning of irony.
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Terry Mazany: Telling the truth.
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Todd Stroger: Any remaining shred of dignity.
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Pat Quinn: Ordering books from Amazon.
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Gery Chico: Crank calls to Rahm asking if he’s “home.”
Posted on March 14, 2011
By David Rutter
1. The Death Penalty, WTF?
The death penalty is dead in Illinois. Some will be glad; some will doubt the wisdom of it.
But it was necessary. This is less about the injustice of capital punishment than the injustice of, well, the Illinois legal system.
The peril of putting innocent people on death row seems obvious enough, but the larger indictment is that justice doesn’t work in Illinois. It can’t be trusted. How do you like them apples?
It’s not just bad events. It’s the system.
So Gov. Pat Quinn permanently called off the necktie party and commuted the death date for 15 prisoners.
But if the decision tacitly acknowledges the evidence that sent them to Death Row was dubious, wasn’t it the same evidence that convicted them of murder? How can they still serve life? Just wondering.
Posted on March 11, 2011
By The Goose Island Brewery & Friends
“Brewers John and Keith went to the South Side of Chicago to get honey for a Day of the Living Ales beer from Mr. Pronger, a local honey distributor.”
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It took first place.
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From BeerAdvocate:
“After a free rise fermentation with our Saison yeast strain, we add crushed white pepper, mashed fresh Michigan strawberries and Local Farmer’s market honey to create a dry, drinkable yet complex Saison variation.”
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Posted on March 10, 2011
By Steve Balkin
Dear Mayor-Elect Emanuel,
Congratulations on your election victory.
I write this letter because I hope you are sincere about making positive change for Chicago.
But if you want positive change for the city, you need to know that a world-class city is more than neatness, corporate headquarters’, and big-box stores. A world-class city also includes social harmony, quality conversations across race and class, and preservation of the historical fabric, authenticity, and vibrancy in public places.
I expect you know about this, having lived in Washington D.C., and having visited places such as New York City and Paris; Manny’s delicatessen and Valois cafeteria.
I want to suggest how some simple changes in public policy can make the city money, create businesses and jobs, and enhance the reputation of Chicago as a world-class city.
Posted on March 9, 2011
By The Beachwood Bookmaking Bureau
Odds of death in 2011 with attendant most likely cause.
Patrick Kane: 10-1. Outside the Viper Room with Miley Cyrus.
Eddie Vrdolyak: 50-1. Shanked at federal prison camp in Terre Haute, Indiana.
Ed Burke: 100-1. Shanked in city council anteroom just hours after Rahm takes his security detail away.
Richard M. Daley: 250-1. Fatal car accident. He hasn’t driven a car since 1989.
Richard M. Daley: 500-1. Multiple contusions and skull fractures from walking into a door. He hasn’t opened a door for himself since 1989.
Richard M.Daley: 500-1. Colon cancer. Hasn’t wiped his own ass since 1989.
Posted on March 7, 2011
By David Rutter
1. For A Better Chicago, WTF?
If a political muscleman is what Chicago wanted, then Hizzoner-Elect is a rippling mass of striated sinew.
Secret donors embodied a PAC called For A Better Chicago are packing enough wallet wallop to easily make the new Rahm the same as the Old Daley. Control the aldermen, control the city. Money is control.
Posted on March 4, 2011
By The Beachwood Migration Affairs Desk
The Census Bureau recently released data showing that Chicago’s population in the last decade fell to levels not seen since the 1920s. Why did so many people leave Chicago in the last 10 years? We think we know why.
* They saw Rahm Emanuel coming.
* They ran out of furniture to use for Dibs.
* They were offered more for their votes in the suburbs.
* Wanted to be closer to suburban meth labs.
Posted on March 3, 2011
By The Beachwood Fugitives From Humanity Task Force
Some – like us – are calling for an investigation.
Posted on March 1, 2011
