Chicago - A message from the station manager

I Am A Security Guard: Mistakes, I’ve Made A Few

By Jerome Haller

Shortly after I started my job, the Head Guard gave me an assignment. He showed me a picture of a young man with a goatee. The youngster had fought with him and an assistant manager before getting arrested for theft. The Head Guard banned the man from the store. He told me to call the police if the shoplifter returned.
Of course, someone who looked like him walked into the store on a Saturday night. I looked at him. He looked at me. I asked if he had been in the store before, hoping to provide a hint about the arrest. He asked if he looked like someone.
Because he sounded like a smart aleck, I told an assistant manager about the visitor and grabbed the picture from the main office. Meanwhile, a cop walked into the store. I gave the photograph to the officer. He compared the picture with the man and decided the two did not match. I had made a big mistake.
I apologized to the customer. Luckily for me, he did not complain to the corporate office. I had dodged a bullet.
That was just one of the mistakes I’ve made while doing my job.

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Posted on April 29, 2010

I Am A Security Guard: Why I Draw

By Jerome Haller

Around the middle of the shift, when the flow of customers slows to a trickle, I prepare for one of my favorite rituals. I sweep the floor and read newspapers and magazines. Then, I break out a notebook and pencil and draw.
Using basic shapes and different shades, I try to create a picture that reflects one of my interests. One night, it may be a pilgrim dropping his burden and finding hope while gazing toward the sky. Or a guitarist jamming for fans. Or a pitcher firing a strike. Or a golfer pumping a fist while watching a putt roll toward the hole. I’ve even completed a self-portrait, which included my uniform.
The pastime provides a few obvious benefits. First, it helps me relieve the stress that comes with watching the store’s goods and dealing with the general public. Second, I gain some sense of accomplishment. Third, I kill at least 30 minutes with each work.
Yet, there is a deeper reason why I sketch. The memory of an uncle spurs me to create.

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Posted on April 26, 2010

Picture This

By Drew Adamek

MEMORANDUM
To: Beachwood Steve
From: List Guy Drew
Date: 4/21/10
Re: Sexual Innuendo Photo Essays Beachwood Reporter Should Run
Steve,
I’ve been doing the market research you requested on how newspaper websites have managed to maintain such cutting-edge audience retention policies over the last couple of years. I got to say it was a tough assignment, what with all the fancy gizmos and high-concept thinking that the mainstream media has used to keep their finger on the online pulse of America.
The newspapers are using all sorts of ingenious tricks: news you can use, problem-solvers for shit that really isn’t that big of a deal, jumping on the bandwagon of popular social networking models about five years after they are relevant (see Sun-Times Friendster profile). I don’t know how we are going to compete with the Internet visionaries running the MSM.
However, I did find one thing we can steal. I like to call it the blue-ball photo essay. Here’s what we do: we find a really sexually suggestive headline for a completely banal and innocent set of boring photos and lure desperate suckers into clicking through 15 pages of ad-laden cockteasing. For example, I saw this on the Tribune the other day: “Movies With Women Hooking Up.” I thought I would get some steamy girl-on-girl action but instead I got publicity photos of fully dressed women lazily sulking at each other. What a bummer.
I don’t understand why these work; in the face of so much actual and free porn out there, mildly suggestive and barely titillating headlines must only appeal to the elderly men and children under 10 that don’t know how to use the Internet.
But they do work; even I, your hard-hearted researcher can’t resist the siren’s promise of “The Secret History of the Bra.” I hear myself saying, “Don’t do it man, you are only wasting your time. There isn’t going to be anything exciting here.” But I can’t stop from clicking through anyways. And I always end up pissed off that I wasted 45 seconds of my precious life looking at such silliness.
Here, then, are my suggestions for blatant, sexually suggestive photo essays that are totally innocent and bland that the Beachwood should run:

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Posted on April 21, 2010

Chicagoetry: Rain Of Light Clear As Christ

By J.J. Tindall

Rain of Light Clear as Christ
I remain stuck in my labyrinth,
odd corners of Hell.
My feelings defy my aspirations.
I can breathe and I can sweat but I cannot
smile.
I’ve got three hundred dollars and I’m instinctively looking
toward the Caribbean.
Surely!

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Posted on April 19, 2010

The Ford Fiesta Movement Is Back!

By The Beachwood Action Marketing Affairs Desk

Can you feel the social media buzz?
First, a refresher.
And now, the latest:
*

From: Jesses@actionpartners.com
Subject: Ford Fiesta Movement Chapter 2
Date: April 14, 2010 11:47:56 AM CDT
To: Jesses@actionpartners.com
Hello,
I’m a community manager working on behalf of Ford and am reaching out to update you on the Ford Fiesta Movement as it relates to Chicago. As you may remember, we reached out to you a few months ago to let you know a little bit about the Fiesta Movement. In anticipation of the Ford Fiesta coming to the US this summer, Ford gave 20 teams of two a 2010 Ford Fiesta to drive and share their experience with their online and offline communities and two of these teams are actually from Chicago. The teams will be tasked with executing a mission and hosting a live event that takes them deep into the creative culture of the Chicago creative community. After reviewing your blog, I thought you (and your readers) would find this program intriguing as it showcases what Ford and the Fiesta Agents’ are doing in Chicago.
*
Here we go again.

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Posted on April 15, 2010

The Wonders of Weather

By The Teaching Company

Weather. It effects our lives every day, often determining where we can go and what we can do.
From the transformation of water vapor into clouds to the swirling winds of a tornado, meteorological events are the result of intricate interactions between forces and factors. to grasp the mystery of these phenomena is to understand a remarkably complex system and – ultimately – to glimpse how all complex systems work.
Meteorology: An Introduction to the Wonders of Weather is a fascinating foray into an enthralling field of study. In 24 engaging lectures, explore the often surprising, always intriguing workings of the weather.

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Posted on April 13, 2010

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