By Drew Adamek

I am a Chicago ex-pat. But I love talking about the city everywhere I go.
You know me; I’m the bore who corners you in an airport bar somewhere and rambles on and on about how great whatever that thing I love most is. In my case, it’s the city of Chicago.
It’s a tired cliche that the world equates Chicago with Al Capone; I haven’t found that to be true in my experience. Once in a while, someone will mention gangsters or crime, but most people have other things to say about my beloved home town.
Here, then, are 10 things people not from Chicago talk about when they talk about Chicago:

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Posted on February 26, 2010

By Jerome Haller

Many people show their love and appreciation for others on Valentine’s Day. And a lot of my store’s shoppers did exactly that. They bought balloons, cards, boxes of chocolates and stuffed bears.
Even one of the assistant managers got into the spirit. Normally, he wears a stern expression and doesn’t talk much. That night, he smiled and joked with the staff.
“Maybe he got lucky,” the Cool Cashier said.

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Posted on February 25, 2010

By Mike Luce

From: Denver (DEN)
To: Midway (MDW)
Date and time: Sunday, February 21 – 4:50pm (Mountain)
Gate: C46
Gate/Pilot Announcements: Standard fare, with one brilliant exception. After an additional wait of ten minutes, the gate agent came on to announce that our crew had been located and were on the way.

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Posted on February 24, 2010

By The Beachwood Pancake Affairs Desk

In light of National Pancake Day, we received this press release regarding Miss Illinois, IHOP and Children’s Memorial Hospital. Let’s take a look at each of those elements.
*
***MEDIA ALERT***MEDIA ALERT***MEDIA ALERT***
FREE BUTTERMILK PANCAKES ON FEBRUARY 23 AT IHOP
National Pancake Day Celebration To Benefit Local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital
WHAT: In celebration of National Pancake Day, IHOP restaurants nationwide will offer each guest a free short stack of buttermilk pancakes in an effort to raise awareness and funds for Children’s Miracle Network hospitals. This year, IHOP is hoping to stack up more donations than ever before, with a goal to raise $1.75 million, for a total of $5 million five years with its National Pancake Day fundraising effort. To find a local IHOP or to donate online, visit www.ihoppancakeday.com.

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Posted on February 23, 2010

By Drew Adamek

I left Chicago in 2006; a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think about the Windy City. It is home; it’s where my heart lives. I am glad that I left; otherwise I don’t think I would have ever been able to leave, and there are still parts of the world that I want to see and to live in.
But I do miss Chicago. Everywhere I’ve lived since suffers in comparison. Chicago is still home.
Here, then, are the ten things I miss most about living in Chicago:
1. A Common Enemy.
In Washington, D.C., people have all sorts of enemies – Republicans, Democrats, Chads, Jennas (DC’s Trixies), Rich People, Poor People, Dick Cheney. It’s hard to focus, and you don’t know anyone’s enemy until you ask. But in Chicago, everyone I hung out with had the same enemies: The city, the mayor and Brett Favre. You could walk into just about any bar, coffee shop or office, shout out that you just got a bullshit parking ticket, and everyone commiserated.
2. The Fucking CTA,
It was easy being late to work, appointments or meetings; just blame it on the CTA and you’d get knowing nods in return. However, that also meant that the chances of really being late because of the CTA were pretty good.

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Posted on February 22, 2010

By Drew Adamek

My road from unemployable teenager in Wisconsin to middle-aged, balding, crunchy yuppie in rural Massachusetts is littered with a lot of strange situations, jobs and people.
I dropped out of high school in 1990; I didn’t get my GED until the mid-90s. I graduated from college with honors in 2002. In the interstitial period between dropping out of high school and graduating from college, I worked a lot of shitty, shitty jobs.
I had a bit of wanderlust that took me for stays in Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Missouri and Texas. In each place, I had the only minimum-wage jobs a high school dropout could get. I’ve probably had three-dozen or so gas station, assembly line, manufacturing plant and manual labor jobs.
Some things are the same about all crap jobs: the unlivable wages, the degrading and dangerous work, the endless cycle of poverty and wage stagnation. The other truism I found was that there was always going to be a character or two around.
Here then, are the strangest co-workers I’ve ever met.

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Posted on February 19, 2010

By Drew Adamek

Justin Halpern created a firestorm of buzz with his “Shit My Dad Says” Twitter feed, a chronicle of humorous musings from his cantankerous, septuagenarian father. Halpern has more than a million followers and just signed a sitcom development deal with CBS.
Since Halpern is living the wet dream of bloggers and Twitterers everywhere, I thought I would try to cash in too. But I rarely leave the house anymore, and my Dad isn’t nearly that entertaining. In fact, he’s a bit of a homebody too, so I went with the next best thing.
Here, then, is (Boring) Shit My Dad Says:
1. Looks like snow.
2. Turn that down.
3. Nothing good ever happens after midnight.
4. I like margarine better than butter.
5. That Seinfeld is pretty funny.

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Posted on February 17, 2010

By J.J. Tindall

St. Catherine of My Cock
I will never understand.
This is the beginning, and
the end.
I will never understand
what it means to be
a woman.

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Posted on February 16, 2010

Son of St. Francis of My Ass
I’m just trying to have a good time.
Hurt is Hell. Let’s have a bell!
TONG! TONG!
And a crow.
My Hell is a deep Christian
well in a raw field
just beyond
the edge of the last
suburb.

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Posted on February 12, 2010

By J.J. Tindall

St. Francis of My Ass
I don’t mean to tick anybody off.
I pray to my own St. Francis.
St. Francis of My Ass, Clyde!
Nobody but me slams
my door. This keeps me free.
I am not a Socialist!
I am not a bedbug!
I do not weep blood and then cease.
Like an eagle, I increase!

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Posted on February 4, 2010