By George Ofman

This is not the first time Patrick Kane is accused of Raising Cain. There was that celebrated cab incident in Buffalo. Now it’s those flirtatious photos of Kane in the back of a Vancouver limo. Even the Hawks leading scorer (perhaps in more ways than one) admits it’s time to raise Kane.
“I’m 21-years-old but it’s probably time to grow up,” Kane says.
Spoken like a youngster who just stole another cookie from the jar and got caught. I don’t think the Hawks PR staff had to script this one for the still maturing yet leading man of Chicago’s most dynamic sports franchise.
Being of legal age doesn’t always translate into being of sound mind and judgment. Been there, done that and I’ll bet most of you have been there, too.

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Posted on January 29, 2010

By The Beachwood Big Z Affairs Desk

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano wants to work with Jim Carrey.
– Tribune, Jan. 18
*
Carlos Almighty. Big Z is given godlike powers and begins pointing to himself at the end of each inning. Co-starring Lou Piniella as the real God.
*
Ace Zambrano: Pet Detective. Big Z finally becomes the ace we’ve all expected him to be when he takes on a side job working with Jim Carrey solving pet crimes. Co-starring Ryan Dempster as Harry Caray.
*
Man on the Moon: The Tony Clifton Story. Big Z plays lounge lizard Tony Clifton in this sequel to the popular film about Andy Kaufman.
*
The Mask II: The Cap. Big Z stars as a major league pitcher whose personality changes dramatically whenever he puts on his baseball cap. Product placement by Gatorade.

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Posted on January 28, 2010

By Dan O’Shea
The NBA season has edged past its literal halfway point. While the NBA All-Star Game isn’t until Feb. 14 in Dallas (at the new Cowboys stadium – let’s hope one of Dirk Nowitzki’s 18-foot rainbows doesn’t hit the overhead video screen), the stars of the first half are already clear, and for the most part, the names we all expected. Here’s my fantasy starting five for the East and West Conferences.

Ofman: The Bulls’ Mirage

EAST
PG: Rajon Rondo. Shoots at a .534 clip with 9.7 assists per game. Celtics really need him.
SG: Dwyane Wade. 27.1 points per game, 4.9 rebounds, 6.2 assists, but 1.2 blocks is the icing.
SF: LeBron James. As expected, the first half MVP does almost nothing wrong, except at the line.
PF: Brook Lopez. 19 PPG, 9.4 RPG and a decent free throw shooter for a big man or any size.
C: Chris Bosh. 23.9 PPG, 11.1 RPG, and having his best season yet.

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Posted on January 27, 2010

By George Ofman
Are you really excited about those Bulls? Are you thinking maybe first round of the playoffs and beyond?
Are you sleeping with Mark McGwire?
It’s certainly been interesting to see the Bulls win three straight road games (quite a feat) and win them against decent Western Conference foes. And it’s clearly encouraging to watch the growth of Derrick Rose, who is being given more latitude to close games, and he is.
But do me a favor: Don’t see this as anything more than what it really is. It’s all about next July, not now.

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Posted on January 27, 2010

By Jim Coffman
Besides the fact that I was ready to kill someone when the Bulls did exactly what the Spurs wanted and inbounded the ball to Joakim Noah with 13 seconds remaining last night, I enjoyed the hell out of the win that gave them the most improbable three-game win streak in team history. Okay, so that’s probably overstating the case a smidge, but the fact that the Bullies have won these last three games absolutely defies belief.
More about that later, but first we’ll be breaking down the sequence that led to my murderous urge. With a tenuous two-point lead, the visitors managed a crucial defensive stop (capped off by Luol Deng’s extra-large blocked shot) and then hustled the ball into the frontcourt as the clock ticked under 20 seconds remaining. The Bulls ran the high pick-and-roll that they’ll be running just about exclusively for the next dozen years or so (because it is the best way to give ever-better point guard Derrick Rose both time and space). And after the Spurts doubled the dribbler, Rose passed to Noah and the Spurs couldn’t foul him quickly enough, given Noah’s slightly less than fundamentally sound shooting style. Clearly the Spurs wanted Noah taking the free throws that would determine what San Antonio would need to do the next time it had the ball.

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Posted on January 26, 2010

By Steve Rhodes
I was a huge Bernie Lincicome fan when he was employed by the Tribune, but his latest ravings about the Internet era of journalism are typically ignorant – and I have to say Reader media critic Michael Miner didn’t seem to have the facility to challenge his nonsense in this interview. Let’s take a look.
*
“Bernie Lincicome is back in town, hoping to write something for somebody,” Miner writes. “I suggest he write for his generation. One voice is missing from new media – the voice of the old sage who thinks new media is ridiculous.”
Don’t we get enough of that from old media?
“After 16 years as a sports columnist in Chicago, Lincicome and the Tribune parted ways in 2000 and he took his talents to Denver. Lincicome wrote a column for the Rocky Mountain News until that paper folded last February. Then he blogged.
“‘When I started doing it,’ he says, ‘everybody said Oh, great, we can still find you. I asked them, Are you going to pay me? I could never figure out a way to get them to pay for it.”
Okay, let’s get one thing straight: Newspaper readers never paid Lincicome or any other columnist or reporter. The newspaper paid them. And the newspaper collected money from advertisers by selling them the (theoretical) attention of readers and from subscribers who paid (back then) a quarter for an entire package of reading options. Lincicome worked for a vast enterprise. Expecting readers to pay him for his individual columns is not only an example of old-school arrogance, but a fundamental misunderstanding of the business he was/is in.

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Posted on January 25, 2010

By Thomas Chambers
The gauntlet has been thrown down, in the very subtle way wealthy people do when they have all the money imaginable and own the best horses in the world.
There was no shouting or arm wrestling or even a punch, but Jerry Moss did all he could to stare a laser beam through Jess Jackson as Jackson’s Rachel Alexandra was named Horse of the Year for 2009. Zenyatta’s supporters, and there were millions, had to have felt the dagger twist a bit when it was revealed that Rachel won by a vote of 130-99. Closer than in recent years, but not really close.

Ofman: SoxFest Fodder

Zenyatta’s fans thought she would win, deserved to win. But it seemed based as much on her perfect 14-0 career record and the great performance in the 2009 Breeders’ Cup Classic as anything else.
“Zenyatta has never lost. She’s perfect,” Moss said. “Nobody beat her on the racetrack. They beat her by proxy.”
Not even a video greeting by Sting, the artist more responsible for the pop music mogul’s riches than any other, could turn the tide. The big mare was named for the Zenyatta Mondatta album, and Moss’s Kentucky Derby winner Giacomo was named after Sting’s son. Something about buttered bread there, which Moss admitted.

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Posted on January 22, 2010

By George Ofman
While a wave of blue invaded a downtown hotel last weekend, a sea of black and silver is taking over another well-fabled guest house starting today. White Sox fans will jam the Palmer House for SoxFest, the South Side nine’s answer to the Cubs convention. They actually do have one thing in common: The color red, as in red-faced. Fanatic fans of both teams can look back to 2009 and blush with embarrassment. Neither team was very good.
Try downright disappointing.

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Posted on January 22, 2010

By Dan O’Shea
There is nothing more annoying in the world of head-to-head fantasy sports than when you forget to set your roster. It’s even more annoying than when you see another manager in your league pick up one of your waiver wire rejects just when that player happens to go on a hot streak. You have only yourself to blame.
I’m usually pretty good about making my daily changes and perusing match-ups to make sure I lock in the best choices. I even managed to stay current a couple Fridays ago when an afternoon bender and a run to pick up the pooch at doggie daycare severely squeezed the time I usually take to double-check my fantasy hoops roster in advance of nightly tip-offs.
But I have twice over the last week failed to lock in my starters before their games began. Unforgivable.

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Posted on January 20, 2010

By Jim Coffman
Did anyone see the first five minutes of the Hawks game yesterday? I knew the listings said the game in Detroit was starting at 11:30 a.m. CST on NBC, but I just couldn’t quite believe they would begin a hockey game at that hour. I was sure there would be at least 15 minutes of pre-game palaver, but instead, when I turned it on at 11:40-something, five minutes were already gone. Fortunately the scoring didn’t begin until a few minutes later. And the fighting didn’t start until shortly before the first intermission.

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Posted on January 18, 2010