By Eric Emery
By the time this is posted, we will know if Chicago has won the 2016 Summer Olympics and the subsequent city budget deficit. Given that these Olympics are seven years away, some Bears players are starting to train for their favorite current and former Olympic events.

The Undefeateds: In The College Football Report

Event: 3000 Meter Steeplechase
Player: Lance Briggs
Why: Showed agility in running past obstacles such as a crashed car, retaining walls, fences, and police questions.
*
Event: Two-Hand Deadlift
Player: Jay Cutler
Why: Strong enough to carry the whole offense.

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Posted on October 2, 2009

By Mike Luce
We are celebrating an important event here at the Report. Beginning today, we can enjoy an entire weekend of Top 25 action . . . without the University of Florida. That’s right, it’s a Gator-Free Weekend. Never fear, commentators will work in Tim Tebow references whenever possible. But for now, while Florida enjoys the week off (and Tebow clears the cobwebs upstairs), we have an opportunity to assess the other undefeated teams in the Top 25.
I doubt any of the following teams will stay undefeated. I recognize few teams, even national champions, finish the season with zero losses. Thus, picking against Michigan (4-0) or Iowa (4-0) isn’t going too far out on a limb. Although Alabama (4-0), LSU (4-0), Cincinnati (4-0) and TCU (3-0) might look solid, don’t be surprised to see a major upset this weekend. Again.
In a few weeks, we can begin to debate the Byzantine system used by college football to rank the most elite teams. (Yes, another poll! Except the HAL 9000 runs this version.) But for now, we can see the question answered on the field.
Just for kicks this week, I’m throwing in a predicted final score. As always, the following is for entertainment purposes only.

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Posted on October 2, 2009

By George Ofman
Hello world. Have we got an Olympics for you! It won’t exactly be the one you’re accustomed to. Chicago has decided to add a few of its own events. Heck, if we’re going to be the host city why not show the world what we’re all about. This city of broad shoulders, deep dish pizza, the hot dog and constant corruption wants to make a lasting impression in 2016. So in an effort to make the 2016 Olympic Games more enticing and unique, we offer these events.

Over/Under Obama Olympic Edition

* 8-Man Crowing. This is rowing with a bit of a twist. The rowing event is scheduled to take place in Monroe Harbor. The crowing event will be held down a 2,000-meter stretch of the Chicago River. For those who haven’t figured out the metric system, that’s approximately 1.25 miles. It will run right through downtown with all the bridges up. Each scull also will be equipped with 8 pigeons perched atop each crew member. The team that manages to cross the finish line first without any pigeon dropping a load receives the gold medal and a squad dinner.
* Neighborhood Archery. As opposed to the regularly scheduled archery event in Grant Park, neighborhood archery will take place in the city’s highest crime districts. Each archer will have in his possession a shotgun and two revolvers. Uzi’s are optional. Medalists will be determined by who survives.
* Pothole Cycling. Perhaps the most grueling event next to the Pothole Marathon, each cyclist will have to maneuver through the city’s most ravaged streets, including alleys. Any cyclist who falls must return to the starting line and retrace the route. Because of the nature of the event, it’s expected to start after the opening ceremonies and last as long as a week.

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Posted on October 1, 2009

By Eric Emery
This week, President Obama traveled to Copenhagen to make a final Olympic plea. Who knows, maybe Obama can convince the voters to allow us to incur a needless and massive public debt. Obama might be that powerful. On the way home, perhaps Obama should stop at the following 0-3 football cities to solve their problems as well.
Charlotte: City in trouble after reports that the ongoing informational series called My Child Has WHAT? found to be more popular than the Panthers.
St. Louis: After buying Anheuser Busch, global beverage giant InBev offers St. Louis Rams management a six-pack of Stella Artois if they throw in the Rams. Obama to lobby Congress for $1.2 billion bailout counteroffer.
Miami: Obama announces ex-Dolphins fullback and Hall of Fame player Larry Csonka as the “Czar of Winning” for the city of Miami.

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Posted on October 1, 2009