By Eric Emery
Obama called for Americans to be responsible. Are we? Here’s what I know. About two weeks ago, Time had a special advertising section about responsibility. Liberty Mutual has some tag line about responsibility. NBC got into the act last week where the dude who plays Kenneth on 30 Rock had an animated short about responsibility. To answer my question, I’m not sure if Americans are more responsible, but there sure is an opportunity to make money on it.
Making money isn’t lost on the NFL.The following are some of the upcoming changes to capitalize on the responsibility craze:
* All cheerleaders are to wear comfortable boots, thick tops, and insulated hats with the silly flaps over the ears. Everybody knows that humans lose most of their heat through the feet, torso, and head.
* When a running back fakes a defensive player to perfection, the running back is to pick up the defensive player’s jock so nobody trips on it later.
* To prevent hearing loss, NFL referees are to use dog whistles.
* Plaxico Burress’ gun will be replaced with a toy gun that shoots confetti.

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Posted on October 22, 2009

By Eric Emery
Last Sunday, I traveled to Detroit to watch my beloved Steelers battle the Lions. My friend Al was along for the ride as well. As the best man for my wedding, Al, a practicing Jew, did not know what to do with the wafer given to him by the priest. So he did the religiously respectful thing: he put it in the pocket of his rented tux. On tape. To the horror of my very Italian mother-in-law.
Even though nobody really wins when they go to Detroit, having Al along was sure to make the best of a bad situation. A travelogue:
* Good idea, travel to see your team. Bad idea: Have a spell of insomnia; take Benadryl partly to rid myself of the itchy results of a food allergy and partly to be sleepy. At 2:30 a.m.
* I hate the fact it’s 5:20 a.m., I’m driving to Detroit, I’m groggy from the Benadryl, and I’m probably going to make the news on WBBM for the traffic delay on the Tri-State at 6 a.m. At least I’m not itchy.
* I make it to Homewood to pick up Al. He’s driving, I’m sleeping.
* Al announces that we’re through Indiana. It’s only good news if you’re traveling west. We are traveling northeast.
* Neither Al nor I are economists, but based on our knowledge of Michigan and the highway advertisements, we’ve determined that Michigan’s two biggest industries are automobile manufacturing and “spas.” Our favorite: Tokyo Health Spa. It’s open until 2 a.m.

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Posted on October 15, 2009

By Eric Emery
Do you know anything about investing? Of course you don’t. That is why you read an expert’s analysis. But do they know anything? If an expert really knew anything, they wouldn’t bother writing about it and would instead spend the time actually investing and making mounds of money .
The same goes for NFL prognosticators. My record is below .500, so I’m perfectly suited to predict which 2-2 teams will finish with a winning record:
Team: Dallas
Buying sign: Team packs in 100,000-plus for first home game in new stadium. Roughly 20,000 fans pay $29 for standing-room-only tickets to watch game on the massive screen over the 50-yard line.
Selling sign: Roughly 20,000 fans discover they can watch it at home for free.
Advice: Buy and while you are at it, just invest in a better TV and stay home. It’s cheaper.

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Posted on October 8, 2009

By Eric Emery
This week, President Obama traveled to Copenhagen to make a final Olympic plea. Who knows, maybe Obama can convince the voters to allow us to incur a needless and massive public debt. Obama might be that powerful. On the way home, perhaps Obama should stop at the following 0-3 football cities to solve their problems as well.
Charlotte: City in trouble after reports that the ongoing informational series called My Child Has WHAT? found to be more popular than the Panthers.
St. Louis: After buying Anheuser Busch, global beverage giant InBev offers St. Louis Rams management a six-pack of Stella Artois if they throw in the Rams. Obama to lobby Congress for $1.2 billion bailout counteroffer.
Miami: Obama announces ex-Dolphins fullback and Hall of Fame player Larry Csonka as the “Czar of Winning” for the city of Miami.

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Posted on October 1, 2009