By Mike Luce
Patrick Wayne Swayze bowed from the stage last week at the age of 57. I would like to dedicate this week’s Report to the departed. Here is a recap of Week 3, punctuated by some of Swayze’s best lines. I’d like to think he would get a kick out of it.
Game: # 14 Georgia Tech 17 @ #20 Miami 33 (-4)

Beachwood Baseball: How Milton Bradley will spend his suspension. In The Cub Factor Hendry’s Folly. By George Ofman

What was supposed to happen? The betting public showed some confidence in Georgia Tech. The point spread crept up to -5.5 before a late rush for the underdog Yellow Jackets pushed the number down to -4. Yet in the pre-game coverage, no one seemed to have an adequate answer to a basic question: what will Georgia Tech do if forced to throw the ball?
What actually happened? For Miami QB Jacory Harris: “You are one radical son of a bitch!” – Bodhi, Point Break

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Posted on September 22, 2009

By Marty Gangler
As just about everything that could possibly be said has already been said about Milton Bradley and how he (almost) single-handedly cost the Cubs their season and maybe Jim Hendry his job, we here at The Cub Factor would like to talk about other things. Like what Milton is going to do while he’s suspended.
* Return himself to the jerk store.
* Hang out with Kanye West and discuss how “misunderstood” they are.
* Get the MLB package on cable and practice “out counting.”
* Take a job as a Chicago meter maid so he can relax in a less abusive environment.
* Cash in his frequent therapy points.

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Posted on September 22, 2009

By George Ofman
The piece of S&%$#@T is gone. No need to waste a roll of toilet paper. And please, don’t let the door smack you right in the rump on the way out.
The Milton Bradley Era on the North Side is over.
At least it better be.
“The last few days have become too much to tolerate for me” said a beleaguered Jim Hendry, who finally managed to accomplish something positive during the 2009 season. He suspended the man he lavished $30 million on. It may turn out to be less if the Cubs general manager rids himself of this massive mistake in the off-season.
But make no mistake about it. The man who deserves most of the blame in all of this is Hendry himself.

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Posted on September 22, 2009

By Jim Coffman

Defensive football coaches work long hours in the hopes of employing just the right scheme at just the right time to enable one pass-rusher to arrive in the backfield untouched with the game on the line. The Steelers, with legendary coordinator Dick LeBeau at the helm, sent two blitzers around the right side of the Bears’ overmatched offensive line on third-and-goal late in the fourth quarter Sunday. There was absolutely nothing between them and prized Bear quarterback Jay Cutler, whose team trailed by a touchdown at the time.

Beachwood Baseball: The White Sox Report: What If? The Cub Factor: Will appear on Tuesday.

Cutler had to know at least one of those guys was coming. The Steeler defense had completely overloaded that side of the ball, as it had on several occasions earlier in the second half, and the Bears seemed powerless to counter it. But he still took the snap and scooted back to pass directly into the projected path of the rushers. Fearing a screen, both blitzers seemed to hesitate just a bit but they were still closing in on Cutler fast enough to seemingly prevent any sort of orderly offensive response. The quarterback was in full Grossman backpedal and all seemed lost . . . until he calmly flipped one of his routine “how did he make that pass from that spot” spirals into the end zone toward an open, crossing Johnny Knox. Knox, who had a great game in slick conditions, pulled the ball into his midsection as a Steeler defender belatedly dug at it to no avail. The Bears had the touchdown they had to have on their way to a pulsating victory.

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Posted on September 21, 2009

By Andrew Reilly
It’s unfortunate Jake Peavy threw a good game Saturday, because now we Sox fans can play the game of “what if?” while the Sox themselves go on playing “strike out looking” and “load the bases and score zero runs.” And as the season enters its desperate final weeks, maybe this is how we can stay interested while we stay home.
What if Carlos Quentin hadn’t done exactly what he’s done every non-2008 year of his career? With another 50 RBI to their credit, the Sox could be watching the out-of-town scoreboard seriously, like a team for whom other teams’ fortunes count, rather than pathetically, like a certain broadcaster’s ruminations during Sunday’s “big” game against the last-place Royals.
What if Josh Fields didn’t wait two years to have his sophomore slump? Even if he’d been merely adequate, the Sox wouldn’t have needed to call in Gordon “Calvary” Beckham, whose initial burst of brilliance once suggested October but has since cooled off into that same mere adequacy Fields could, nay, should have provided.
What if Nick Swisher hadn’t been such a disaster last season? Perhaps his poop jokes and needlessly elaborate high-fives would be exactly what the South Siders need to stay loose down the stretch instead of relying on more tired, conventional methods. Like winning, for example, which is obviously out of the question.

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Posted on September 20, 2009

By Eric Emery
Lesson learned.
For even I had drunk from the Pimp Cup of Culterdom, the Holy Kool-Aid Grail promising deliverance from the wilderness.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.

TrackNotes: Fake Plastic Dirt

I won’t make the same mistake twice. Here’s what the Bears will have to do to make me regain interest in their season.
* Jay Cutler is arrested for beating up a cab driver over 10 cents, making him twice as nuts as Patrick Kane.
* Brian Urlacher is caught playing softball with Carlos Zambrano; blames the media for ensuing uproar.
* Lovie Smith develops a third expression to “The slight smirk because things aren’t looking good” and “Holy shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” This one will be called “Who the hell is calling these plays?”

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Posted on September 18, 2009

By Thomas Chambers

Some things at the Chicago Park District never change.
Saw the item where the Park District basically told everybody to “shut up, we (lay new sod before the first Bears game) every year.” And every year, the Bears’ playing surface is one of the worst in the league.
In reading about efforts to get a Walter Payton statue erected at the spaceship, we remember the surface Walter played on. I think they called in Magikist to make that green concrete so shiny the Vikings tried to tackle Sweetness’ reflection. It hurt just to watch those games.
Only quality thinkers in sports care about playing surfaces. Elton and Billy could not have done any good to the hallowed green of Wrigley, and I do wonder how Toyota Park can stand up to all of its special events when maintaining a top-class soccer pitch is extremely difficult. Seems that the powers at Comiskey Park won’t let their lawn get trampled, even keeping the Cub Scouts on the warning track.
And, alas, Arlington Park has not been different, first failing to maintain a dirt course as good as its turf course, and then biting at a snake oil solution in an effort to “fix things.”
The issue of racing surfaces rears its ugly head once more as we begin to see some evidence that PolyTrack and CushionRide and ProRide, fancy names for wax, sand, plastic and lint, are not the beautiful solution the salesmen and easy marks thought they’d be.

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Posted on September 18, 2009

By Eric Emery
At the conclusion of this year, the NFL will need to negotiate a new collective bargaining agreement with the Players Association. Commissioner Roger Goodell will be at the forefront of this effort. In order to have enough time and energy to broker a deal, perhaps Goodell should delegate some of his other duties so he may focus on the negotiations. I believe he is wise to take a page out of the Obama playbook and name some czars help Goodell out. I already have some suggestions.

PLUS: Big Z: Ace or Ass? The College Football Report

Czar of Officiating: Serena Williams
Why: Officiating is really important to Serena, especially if it is match point.
Strength: Expects perfection.
Weakness: Would threaten to fucking kill all those who make an officiating
error.
*
Czar of In-Stadium Music: Kanye West
Why: Beyoncé needs the royalties.
Strength: Would bring style to timeouts and halftime.
Weakness: Would appear on the field out of nowhere and award the game to the losing team.

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Posted on September 17, 2009

By Mike Luce
Point spreads in sports often appear as -7.5 or -10.5. In these games, Vegas sportsbooks offer an option to shift the point spread a half point. On top of the ten percent “juice” (making a typical bet cost $110 to win $100), you can pay an additional 10 percent to move the spread a half point in either direction. When wagering on football, this can be a worthwhile investment under the right circumstances. (Compared to buying “insurance” at the blackjack table, which is for chumps.) In fact, moving a 3-point line (-3.5 to -3, for example) can make such a difference that it costs an extra 10 – for a total of 30 – percent.
I am a HUGE fan of this move for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that there is a catchy phrase for it: “buying the hook.” This weekend features several interesting games and a number of excellent opportunities to shift the spread in our favor. For entertainment purposes only, of course.

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Posted on September 17, 2009

By George Ofman

“That’s it.”
This is how Carlos Zambrano angrily ended his latest post-game interview following another meltdown on the mound.
And maybe that’s really it for Big Z.
If the Cubs are truly shopping the sometimes boorish, selfish talent, good luck.
Says here he’ll be back.

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Posted on September 17, 2009