By Jim Coffman

Thanks ever so much to Kurt Warner and the rest of the Cardinals for their stellar efforts against the Vikings on Sunday. I suppose there is cold comfort in the constants in life, and one of the constants is that the football Redbirds have sucked since they left Chicago almost 50 years ago and they still suck, despite clinching their pathetic division title last week. The Bears put themselves in this position (the one where they needed the Vikings to lose two of their final three games to have a chance to win the NFC North) with their loss to Minnesota a few weeks ago. But it was acceptable to expect a better effort than that turned in by the Vikings’ foes on Sunday.

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Posted on December 15, 2008

By Jim Coffman

Great win and all, Bears, but I have a few things I have to get off my chest before I start celebrating. Rashied Davis, you’re fired. You were well into a crossing pattern when Kyle Orton threw you the ball in the third quarter and yet you had no idea it was coming until the last instant. Because it was a very well-thrown pass, you still had a chance to make a catch. Instead you tipped it up and into the waiting hands of a fortunate Saint safety. Infuriating.

Playoff Picture In Over/Under.

Kyle Orton, you made a bunch of big plays but you were also tremendously lucky. I think pass interference was probably the right call on the play that set up the field goal in overtime but it shouldn’t have hinged on a flag. Devin Hester was five yards behind the defense when you released what could only be described as a brutally underthrown pass. I think in time you will prove you can throw the deep ball accurately enough, but it hasn’t been happening of late.

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Posted on December 12, 2008

By Eric Emery

Is it an SAT question? A study in probability? No, it’s time to go through the wild card scenarios! Below are the teams that are (barely) eligible, and what needs to happen for each team to make the playoffs.
Team: Philadelphia
Record: 7-5-1
What They Have To Do:
– Learn not to tie.
– Boo Santa Claus just a little more furiously.
– Regain title of “America’s Fattest City.”

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Posted on December 12, 2008

By Eric Emery

Everybody knows that when a friend buys your ticket to a game, you are obligated to buy him at least two beers. And unless you truly despise the home team, it’s also courteous to root for them even if you normally wouldn’t.
So I’ll be rooting for the Bears tonight, because I’ll be there on someone else’s dime. Let the record show that a Bears win is against my self-interest, given that my fantasy football opponent has Matt Forte. Regardless, I’m what a co-worker calls a “football mercenary;” you pay me, I root for your team.
In fact, I might actually go the extra mile and bring a sign. Look for one of these in Section 320:

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Posted on December 11, 2008

By Dan O’Shea

Shawn Marion started slow this year, but suddenly he’s seeing more action than Rod Blagojevich at a Senate seat auction.

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Posted on December 10, 2008

By Jim Coffman

Well, what’s it gonna be, defensive line? Lovie (and defensive coordinator Bob Babich, I suppose, but really, this is all on the defensive-minded head coach) cannot be counted on to come up with a blitz package that creates any sort of consistent pressure when the front four can’t do it. In fact, there isn’t another coach in the league who is less likely to come up with that sort of scheme. So it will all come down to Alex Brown and Adewale Ogunleye at the ends (and Mark Anderson every once in a while) and some combination of Israel Idonije, Anthony Adams, Marcus Hamilton and Tommie Harris (listed in order of effectiveness against the Jaguars) in the middle this Thursday against New Orleans. Of course, when we say New Orleans, we mostly mean all-world quarterback Drew Brees (still on track, after Sunday’s pulsating victory over Atlanta, to break Dan Marino’s record for passing yardage in a single season). If the line can generate some pressure on Brees, especially early, the Bears will give themselves their best chance to win. If not, there will be a shootout . . . which the Bears might just win . . . if they can find a cure for the dropsy disease that has afflicted them of late. And if they can find a wide receiver other than Devin Hester who can create consistent space between himself and defensive backs.

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Posted on December 8, 2008

By Eric Emery

In the battle of Nature vs. Nurture, Nature took a bigger beating than the Bears. In court documents, Urlacher’s baby momma contends that Urlacher confuses his son by painting his son’s fingernails and dressing him in pink pull-ups.
Normally, such an allegation leaves the battle of Nature vs. Nurture a draw, until you find out the confusion that is the Bears’ defensive scheme. If left in Chicago’s scheme for three years, even the Marlboro Man would drop his trail-worn boots for Gucci shoes. You be the judge:
* In team huddles, the defense is to chant “1-2-3 Care Bears!”
* Defensive personnel package names: “Rainbow Bright,” “Strawberry Shortcake”, and “My Little Pony.”
* Plays are diagrammed using empty plastic tea cups. Lovie’s favorite doll, Mr. Meansley, signifies the crowd.

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Posted on December 5, 2008

By Eric Emery

On June 30th, I wrote an e-mail to two friends stating that the Minnesota Vikings would win their division. After the Vikings 34-14 drubbing of the Bears, my crazy prediction might come true. As a public service, I thought I’d let you all in on other predictions I made on that day.
* Barack Obama will win the presidency and name Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State. He will proceed to send her on very long diplomatic trips to faraway places, some not even on this planet.
* Problems in the subprime mortgage market will ripple throughout the economy, eventually leading the Big Three automakers to seek a bailout from the federal government. The CEOs will arrive in Washington via private plane.
* After a poor holiday shopping season, the Dow Jones Industrial Average will close at -242.08 in early January. The NFL will force the Tennessee Titans out of the playoffs in the national economic interest and order the following playoff match-ups: the Packers vs. the Jets; the Steelers vs. the automakers; the Colts vs. the Giants; and the Patriots vs. the NFC Pro Bowl team. The Giants and Jets will then play in the Super Bowl. The Lingerie Bowl Championship will be held at halftime.

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Posted on December 4, 2008

By Dan O’Shea

In some leagues, fantasy football playoffs are already underway. Wanna see what a first place team looks like? Here’s my guys, who finished the regular season 10-3 and alone in first place in my 10-team league:
* QB Eli Manning. Started as my No. 2 behind the doomed Jon Kitna.
* QB Tyler Thigpen. Picked up in Week 8 after the J.T. O’Sullivan experiment failed miserably.
* WR Andre Johnson. Made me look foolish early on, but found himself.
* WR Anquan Boldin. Had my eye on Larry Fitzgerald in the draft and missed him. Big payoff, even considering injury time.

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Posted on December 3, 2008

By Jim Coffman

Don’t hate Lovie for going for it on fourth-and-one. Dislike (and maybe hate just a little) Ron Turner for the play call on third-and-one, but the decision to go for it on fourth down at the one-yard line with the Bears leading 7-3 in the second quarter was definitely defensible. As for third down . . . hey Mr. Offensive Coordinator? Most of us Bears fans figured out a while ago that the fullback dive up the middle behind quick and smart but in no way overpowering center Olin Kreutz is not an effective play. So why do you keep running it? Especially with starting fullback Jason McKie out with an injury? Against a team with perhaps the best defensive tackle tandem in the league? My guess is you froze up a bit on this one . . . you didn’t want to watch another ineffective Forte sweep but the pass on first down hadn’t worked, and you knew the Vikings would be ready for a Forte run between the tackles. The play clock was about to start running down so you panicked and called the most basic play imaginable, the fullback dive, which failed, of course.

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Posted on December 1, 2008