By Eric Emery

Last Sunday was a complete wreck. And you know who’s to blame? My friend, Dirty Andy, and his wedding.
You know how people have a weakness for weddings? I have a weakness for getting too drunk at wedding receptions.
So I spent Sunday on the couch mostly asleep, though I did manage to wake up in time to see the Steelers snap that ball over the punter’s head.
If only the NFL could be more like weddings . . .
* Both teams meet the night before to practice the game. Gives each side a chance to decide who they will hit on the next day.
* Go into uniform shop 15 minutes before closing. Give call to the other team’s head coach about the 5XL jersey that was erroneously ordered for the kicker.
* Get to stadium four hours early to talk the best player into not playing today, or for that matter, ever again.

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Posted on October 30, 2008

By Eric Emery

With Halloween just around the corner, you might consider dressing as your favorite team’s mascot. The problem is, however, the mascot may not be indicative or representative of your city. Worse yet, the mascot may represent some archaic person or word that no longer means anything meaningful. To help the fans of the NFL and Halloween, here is the city and some alternate mascot names:
City: Green Bay
Alternative to Packers: The Overweight Triple Bypass Heart Patients
Halloween Costume: A bottle of brandy eating fried cheese curds.

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Posted on October 16, 2008

By Eric Emery

In last week’s Kool-Aid Report, I predicted that Bears fans would reach their highest emotional point of well-being after the Lions game. As predicted, the Bears crushed the Lions. Due to recent hard times for Chicago’s sports teams, though, fans have been a bit rusty in the art of making the “happy sports radio call.” We’re here to help.

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Posted on October 9, 2008

By Eric Emery

Americans are united about one thing these days: Our government stinks. Since few agree on how to make our economy better, perhaps our representation needs an easier and a less important arena to manage – the NFL. Here some of the important questions facing the NFL and answers we might receive in return from our politicians.
* Raiders owner Al Davis reportedly interviewed replacements for head coach Lane Kiffin before he actually fired him on Tuesday. Should the league interview replacements for Davis before stepping in and bailing out the franchise and selling it as a distressed asset?
* How should Republican team owners react to her future proposals after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says this: “The other 31 owners need to work together to find a solution to this problem. Together, strong cooperation results in a stronger league. It’s much like the strong cooperation within the House of Representatives, except for the eight years of Republican rule that have allowed greed to compromise the strength of America. In fact, Republicans have done more to ruin America and the NFL than Al Davis will in 242 lifetimes.”
* In the wake of the brutal helmet-to-helmet hit put on Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin last week, questions are once again being asked about player safety. Which subcommittee should the NFL send this issue to in order to most properly bury it?

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Posted on October 2, 2008