By Eric Emery

After much meditation, I’ve discovered the source of my anger toward Tony Kornheiser’s Monday Night Football performances: He never states that he believes much of anything. He really states that “other people might say” something. In Week One, for example, he couldn’t stop looking for reasons why somebody might see shades of Brett Favre in Aaron Rodgers’ play. In Week Two, he harped on the inevitable Super Bowl victory of the Dallas Cowboys – as portrayed in newspaper headlines. Someone ought to call the authorities, because somebody stole all of Kornheiser’s original thoughts.
We here at Over/Under got to thinking about the Tony Kornheiser technique might work for an advice column. We call it “Ask Tony Kornheiser.”

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Posted on September 18, 2008

By Eric Emery

Every team enters the season with one goal: Win the Super Bowl. It’s much like the unrealistic expectations that parents have of their children. Picture Mom and Dad cooing over their child, believing that slightly strong grip means the little one is destined to become a linebacker or an Olympic gymnast. Unfortunately, when little Johnny learns to walk, he has a better chance of becoming a professional crash test dummy than a professional athlete.
After week one, it’s clear already, then, that some teams are doomed. That means millions of fans should use their time this fall doing something other than uselessly rooting on their teams. Here’s who.
*
Team: St. Louis Rams
Week 1 Result: Lost by 35 points
Alternate Activities:
– Congratulate Cardinals on being the best team to not make the playoffs.
– Learn Belgium to accommodate the news owners of Anheuser-Bush.
– Send letters to the Arizona Cardinals begging for them to return.
– Use Google to discover that the Bowling Hall of Fame is in town; visit.

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Posted on September 11, 2008

By Eric Emery

With the 2008 season upon us, I have a very important question to pose: Do you realize that my record on the Over/Under for team wins last season was 6-3-1? That means that I was correct two out of three times. If I was a Major League Baseball player, my batting average would be .667! If I ran for President, I would have won 370 Electoral College votes! If I was on American Idol last season, I’d have received 65,000,000 votes! Unfortunately, I can’t hit for average, I’m too honest to run for president, and a restraining order taken out by Paula Abdul have kept me off American Idol. My only option is to improve on last year’s Over/Under performance. Here we go.
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Team: Jacksonville
Line: 10 wins
Prediction: Over
Comment: Even though the Jaguars have enjoyed regular and post-season success, professional football comes fourth to the people of Jacksonville after college football, NASCAR, and noodling. So they have something to prove.

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Posted on September 3, 2008