By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck is spearheading a “carbon onset” program to mock the Democrat’s “green” convention, which was more notable for its ambitions than its results. To reach his goal of generating 70 million pounds of carbon, Beck is imploring his audience to “give me an extra day of increased garbage, maybe two, maybe three? Can you throw away some stuff that you don’t really need to throw away? Can you not recycle?” Beck, for example, vowed to do his part by dispensing twice as much trash over the air as he usually does.
2. Sarah Palin is what happens when your nominee’s judgement is impaired by spending too much time at toga parties and happy hours.

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Posted on August 30, 2008

By The Beachwood Landing Affairs Desk

1. Peaceful

2. Heavy Braking

3. Loud and Long

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Posted on August 26, 2008

By The Beachwood Solar Pump Affairs Desk

The following press release announcing the affordable solutions solar water pumping offers farmers may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
SOLAR WATER PUMPING OFFERS AN AFFORDABLE SOLUTION TO REAL-LIFE ISSUES FOR FARMERS
RICHMOND, MO – With the tremendous rise in fuel costs over the past few years and the push for better energy efficiency around the globe, solar water pumps are becoming increasingly popular. A company called Call for Solar (CFS, Inc.) is making it easier than ever for farmers or anyone needing a remote water source to embrace this remarkable technology.
Call for Solar has been active since 1994 in communications and electronics. The company’s Web site, CallforSolar.com, enables anyone to easily choose pumps and solar panels based on the amount of water needed and the type of water supply available.

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Posted on August 25, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. “Our special for the day is a lovely salmon steak, laden with tapeworm larvae and served on a bed of irradiated spinach.” Or so goes the menu at the Paranoia Cafe, where everything that’s supposed to be good for you turns out to be swarming with deadly pathogens. This week, the Cafe did gangbusters business when a man filed suit – two years after the fact – against Shaw’s Crab House for serving him an undercooked salmon salad, which he alleges was the source of his nine-foot-long tapeworm. Maybe radiating our food isn’t such a bad idea after all.
2. Does John McCain’s confusion about how many houses he has strike you as a “metaphorical moment,” just waiting to be etched the consciousness of America’s undecided voters? That’s what Barack Obama’s campaign strategists hoped as they
unveil the world’s slowest attack that had Obama cogitating over three recent missteps by McCain including remarking that being rich means earning at least $5 million.

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Posted on August 23, 2008

By The Beachwood Light Me On Fire Affairs Desk

The new editor of theTribune, Gerould Kern, has named Jane Hirt, editor of RedEye, his managing editor. Yes, that’s right: the editor of RedEye – who as far as I can tell has never been a reporter – is now the managing editor of the Chicago Tribune.
Here are some other changes the new Tribune management team has in store:
* Editorial board replaced by the cast of The Hills.
* Editor of Streetwise new director of circulation.
* New texting-based style guide eliminating vowels will help shave newsprint costs.

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Posted on August 21, 2008

By The Bleary Eyed John Cusack Affairs Desk

UPDATE 8/22: NOW WITH THE ORIGINAL, UN-CORRECTED POST
*
Maybe it’s because he was writing bleary-eyed from Bangkok, but John Cusack’s debut post for Huffington Post Chicago was riddled with more errors than the 2006 Cubs.
Some – but not all – of the errors have been corrected. But really.
From a Beachwood reader:
“I submitted a comment to John Cusack’s meandering love letter on the Chicago edition of the Huffington Post about eight hours ago. It hasn’t posted yet. I’m wondering if one of the conditions of the pro bono agreement is that no negative comments will be brooked. Or perhaps I shone too bright a light on the lazy (or nonexistent) editing over there. I was not nasty. I simply wondered why Cusack neglected to correctly spell Biittner, Jordan, Chelios, and O’Neill (as in Eugene; I have to admit I also pointed out O’Neill was born in the U.S., not Ireland). Additionally, Cusack mistakenly wrote Eddie Gaedel pinch-hit for the White Sox and Sammy Sosa was on the ’89 Cubs.

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Posted on August 19, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
It is the best of cities
And the worst of cities.
I checked it out, and I found myself a city
To live in.
WHERE will let me
Be me?
I made a bet. You bet!
I knew I’d need
Big shoulders to cry upon,
Big enough for both
My dirty angels. I knew I’d need space
To spread my brittle wings. I knew I’d need a place
To sing.

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Posted on August 18, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. The tabs are saying that Lindsay Lohan is flirting with the idea of converting to Judaism, the religion of her main squeeze. Which is fine by us, as long as she pays her dues. We’ve always thought that converts ought to have their faith tested the same way ours was during childhood – by eating Grandma’s dreaded cholent, forgoing Christmas presents and – last but not least – having a humiliating theme bat mitzvah.
2. You say you love Michael Phelps but do you mean it? Prove your devotion by bidding $20,000 on eBay for an autographed painting of Michael dashing to the finish line. If that’s a little steep, you can choose a replica of his Speedo bathing cap for $19.99.

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Posted on August 15, 2008

By Dan Simon

The release of The Dark Knight in Japan has me thinking about superheroes. Every culture has them, whether they come from ancient Vedic texts or faded dusty scrolls. Heroes are often social commentaries about life, society and morality.
After walking out of the Piccadilly Cinema in Shinjuku with the events of a Chicago-tinged Gotham City fresh in my memory, I started thinking about Japanese superheroes. There are too many to mention, but the most famous in the States are the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Pokemon and Ultraman. Take into account hundreds of Japanese anime movies (Akira, Ghost in the Machine, etc.) and many more thousands of manga anime comic books, and there are quite a few to choose from here.
In this installment of BiJ, however, I shall refrain from delving into the Japanese superhero and instead discuss a different, and much more mundane ‘hero’ that is truly unique to this country.
Who is this (not so) masked man?
It’s Charisma Man.

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Posted on August 14, 2008

By The Beachwood Spectacle Affairs Desk

The Beachwood staff was so impressed with the opening ceremonies in Beijing on Friday that we got to thinking what the opening ceremonies would be like in Chicago in 2016.
* The mayor’s patronage army performs an intricately synchronized dance mimicking the exchange of cash and the occasional federal sacrifice who “stands up” and keeps his mouth shut. In its final arrangement, the army executes a giant eye-wink.
* Red-light cameras and blue-light cameras loaned to ceremonies along with illegal Indiana fireworks and the police department’s new M-4s in a tribute to the security state. Ends with the city blowing up Bensenville.
* At the conclusion of the ceremonies, everyone is instructed to look under their seat to discover they’ve been gifted a pair of Oprah Winfrey’s favorite cozy flannel pajamas.

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Posted on August 12, 2008