Date Taken: 7/11/08
From: Wicker Park
To: Roscoe Village
The Cab: 100% cell phone- and burglar shield-free. Seating is upholstered in plush as opposed to the usual faux-vinyl. Rear-view mirror is adorned with a small stuffed tiger, adding a somewhat quizzical sense of whimsy to an otherwise straightforward conveyance. Radio seems to be locked in retro mode, with such slightly-mildewed hits such as Madonna’s “Like a Prayer (extended dance remix),” Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue” and Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” on offer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s all fun and games until one of those fuckers gets wedged in your head.

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Posted on July 14, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Giving indie director Eric Schaeffer his own reality show is like asking Gary Busey to host the Oscars – it’s an invitation to a disaster of epic proportions. Schaeffer’s program, “I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single,” Sundays on Showtime, is an extension of his blog and book of the same name. Each week Schaeffer travels from city to city trying to meet the woman of his dreams while providing a running commentary on his chocolate cake binges, sexual fetishes, frequent colonics and sincere desire to be a parent when he turns 50.
2. Today we’re taking out our Oprah Winfrey gratitude journal and expressing thanks that we’ve never had occasion to down a Luther Burger, supposedly a favorite of the late Luther Vandross – a pound of ground beef with five strips of bacon, onion and cheese packed inside two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

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Posted on July 11, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

This was written on August 25, 2007, but never posted. The opportunity has arisen this week to correct that oversight.
ODE TO AMY JACOBSON
I was so
psyched
that you
were on that
story.
I could tell,
like me,
you could smell
it on
the Prick.

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Posted on July 10, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

TRUMP’S NEW ERECTION
Blue. Perfect!
Large blue base,
tapering to a phallic
point, “can it be
taller than the
BIGGEST, the SEARS
Tower? Please, fellas?”
I get it: Skyscrapers,
like a Saturn Five
Rocket,
all look
like a huge prick.

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Posted on July 9, 2008

By Dan Simon

Although the distance between Soldier Field and the Tokyo Dome is almost 8,000 miles, and residents here prefer sashimi and yakitori to Vienna beef and Chicago-style pizza, there is a familiar theme that connects the two metropolitan areas: corruption. Beachwood readers are familiar with the monopoly the Daley family has had on Chicago politics – and political scandals – over the past 60 years. In Tokyo, city scandals are also rampant, but the nature of the Tokyo scandal is slightly different. Call it the Tokyo Way.

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Posted on July 8, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

REGULATED MILITIA WELL
after William Carlos Williams
A well regulated Militia,
being necessary
to the security of a free State,
the right of the people
to keep and bear Arms,
shall not be infringed.
A WELL REGULATED MILITIA BEING NECESSARY
WELL REGULATED MILITIA WELL REGULATED
MILITIA
being necessary

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Posted on July 7, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Christopher Hitchens has been called many things – turncoat, neocon, the world’s 27th most important public intellectual – but none dare call him a pussy. Recently, Hitchens endured close to two minutes of waterboarding so that he could dispel any lingering doubts in the minds of Vanity Fair readers that the so-called interrogation technique is, indeed, torture.
2. War, huh, what is it good for? Well, if you’re Beirut entrepreneur Ali Hamoud, it provides you with a bold and completely tasteless premise for a theme restaurant called Buns and Guns.
3. So thorough is her humiliation that not even I can pile on Christie Brinkley this week. So I’ll do the next best thing and pile on The Today Show, which ran a 14-minute segment about the celebrity divorce while managing to decry “the hype and media frenzy.”

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Posted on July 4, 2008

By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Eminent Internet Domain
New York – ICANN approved a recommendation that could see many new names introduced to the Internet’s addressing system. Robert Peters, president of Morality in Media is available to discuss.
Presently, users have a range of 21 top-level domains to choose from (e.g., .com and .org). According to a news report, when Dr Paul Twomey, President of Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN), was asked about the .XXX domain name that ICANN rejected in March 2007, he stated that the new system would be “open to anyone.”
According to a statement published on the www.icann.org website, “offensive names will be subject to an objection-based process based on public morality and order . . . ICANN will not be the decision maker on these objections.”
“If a .XXX domain is destined to come into existence, perhaps it is better that it be just one of countless new domains, than one of the very few officially authorized by ICANN.

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Posted on July 2, 2008