By Ricky O’Donnell

When President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch of the season in Washington, one thing was eminently clear: this was a guy who loved baseball. Maybe that should have been obvious all along – after all, he did own the Texas Rangers (and traded Sammy Sosa to the White Sox ) – but hearing Bush talk informatively about baseball from the broadcast booth, one couldn’t help but notice his passion for the game.
As Deadspin’s Will Leitch wrote at the time, Bush was never more engaging or likable as he was that night. Those are hardly two adjectives Bush is synonymous with anymore, and maybe it’s even more astonishing that our president was actually able to tolerate speaking with Joe Morgan.
Even so, it was a little surprising to read of Bush’s affection for Sox pitcher John Danks. After all, it would seem like the South Side of Chicago couldn’t be more different from Bush’s White House surroundings.

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Posted on July 29, 2008

By Jim Coffman

Many have noted it is awfully tough to be a No. 1 receiver and a return man at the same time, especially a guy who returns kick-offs and punts. A guy runs one back 20 or 30 or 50 or 60 yards isn’t going to be ready to line up at receiver for a play or three. Unless he takes it to the end zone of course – then everything is peachy.

Beachwood Baseball: The Cub Factor The White Sox Report will appear on Tuesday this week.

But here’s the rub (and the really good news for the Bears): teams have decided not to kick to Devin Hester. Ever. They have their punters kick the ball out of bounds and they chip little squib kick-offs to spots well up the field from where Hester lines up. So at the start of any given Bears possession, Hester can go back there and watch his team reap the field position that comes with less-than-booming kicks. Then he can head into the offensive huddle with the energy he needs to turn what I’m sure will be the huge variety of innovative pass routes that Ron Turner’s offense will employ this fall into touchdowns.

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Posted on July 28, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The Cubs may have exploded for nine runs on Sunday to salvage a split with Marlins, but the tendency of the offense to disappear for stretches is still a concern. We here at The Cub Factor have input all available data into the computers at Beachwood Labs and come up with the following slump-busting solutions.
* Dip into Sammy Sosa’s secret cache of corked bats still hidden in the Wrigley ventilation system.
* Call the White Sox and ask to borrow their blow-up doll.
* Get some chicken for jobu.
* Bring back Michael Barrett and let everyone take out their frustrations on him.
* Bless the bats and the children.
* Casually ask Fukudome how to say “steroids” in Japanese.

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Posted on July 28, 2008

By The Beachwood Winter Classic Affairs Desk

The NHL announced this week that the league’s second annual Winter Classic outdoor game will be held at Wrigley Field between the Blackhawks and the Red Wings. Here are some of the details.
* Urinal troughs will be heated to prevent “urine-bergs.”
* Old Style popsicles: $6.25.
* Left field bleachers to throw snowballs up toward the corporate A-holes sitting in the rooftops. Corporate A-holes to throw back balled up loan papers from foreclosed homes.
* Nets to be installed to protect those sitting under the upper level from falling icicles.
* Fans sitting in the left field bleachers will continue their streak of 242 games of not paying attention to the game.
*Chicago police will experience a revenue surge after fans write their names and address in the snow while urinating in Wrigleyville alleys.

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Posted on July 24, 2008

By Eric Emery

After painstaking work, the crack Beachwood legal and document retrieval team has acquired the lesser known details of Brian Urlacher’s new contract. Do you think its easy being an NFL star? Imagine having to live up to these stipulations. Gladly, Urlacher has handled himself with the highest level of class, so I believe none of these will pose much of a problem. Here are the highlights:
* Be on-call 24/7 to serve as Lance Briggs’ designated driver.
* Once released, Urlacher retains all promotional and figure-action rights to the Paris Hilton sex tape. Also known as the George Lucas Rule.
* Required to give full answers to all reporters’ questions, unless one of these phrases appears in the question: “arthritic back”, “offensive futility”, “missing Cedric Benson”, “poor receivers”, “quarterback controversy”, “once proud Bears defense”, “what are you getting all your kids (and I do mean all) for Christmas”, and “have you thought about a condom?”.

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Posted on July 23, 2008

By Jim Coffman

NFL training camps don’t open until the coming week (the Bears’ first practice is on Wednesday!), but plenty of prominent writers and yakkers weighed in with all sorts of pre-season palaver the past few days. And it was a week in which Chicago’s baseball big-wigs were losing (three-game series’ over the weekend), lounging (during the All-Star break) or locked into little roles (at the big game). So let’s start the football free-for-all a little early. One issue in particular demands immediate inspection.

Beachwood Baseball: The White Sox Report The Cub Factor

Why are so many national football analysts so absolutely convinced that Kyle Orton won’t be a successful NFL quarterback? You cannot find an assessment of the Bears’ off-season that doesn’t mock the Monsters for not upgrading under center – the obvious implication being that Orton and Rex Grossman have no chance back there. Now, I’m not sure any NFL quarterback could excel with the Bears’ current crop of wide receivers, but that’s not what folks are talking about. They’re dismissing Orton and Grossman without a second thought and killing the Bears for not having brought in someone else.

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Posted on July 21, 2008

By Ricky O’Donnell

Losing two out of three to the lowly Royals is hardly the way the White Sox wanted to open up the second half of their season. Luckily the Sox still have nine more games against Kansas City before the season ends, games that will go a long way in deciding if the Sox have what it takes to win the AL Central. With that roller coaster of a first half now behind us, let’s make some predictions of what to expect from the Sox in the second half.
* We will continue to see more ridiculously biased White Sox columns from Jay Mariotti. Yeah Jay, we get it: the manager threw a derogatory word at you two seasons ago. Time hasn’t healed any wounds for Jay though, as he continues to pile on the organization every chance he gets. “Is anyone out there remotely comfortable with a half-game lead? You shouldn’t be,” he writes in his latest. “Think the Blizzard of Oz still will be in first place Aug. 1? I don’t. . . . The Twins are that good.”
Are the Twins really that good?

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Posted on July 21, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The Cardinals and Brewers face off in a big NL Central series this week, so we here at The Cub Factor thought this would be a good time to take a closer look at the Cubs’ biggest division rivals.
*
CARDS: Named after a bird.
BREWERS: Named after the people who make beer.
*
CARDS: Team color is red, like wine.
BREWERS: Team color is blue, like beer.
*
CARDS: Part of the Budweiser family, which brought you Spuds MacKenzie and Cindy McCain.
BREWERS: Part of the Miller family, which brought you Man Law and “ingredients not normally found in beer.”

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Posted on July 21, 2008

By Steve Rhodes

Alfonso Soriano is targeting July 24 as his return date from the disabled list, and Cubs manager Lou Piniella is planning to return Soriano to the leadoff spot, with Kosuke Fukudome batting second. Piniella has earned the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve had it up to here with those who say it doesn’t really matter who bats leadoff.
For example, on April 25, Sun-Times Cubs writer Gordon Wittenmyer wrote:
“Sure, Alfonso Soriano should hit deeper in the order when he returns from the disabled list next week. But as long as Kosuke Fukudome keeps producing the way he is in the No. 5 spot and the guys right behind him continue to reach base the way they are, then Soriano essentially becomes a middle-of-the-order hitter in the leadoff hole after the first inning anyway.”
Nonsense!
Players also aren’t immune to this failed line of thinking. On June 10, Orlando Cabrera said: “You basically lead off only time a game, so it’s just one at-bat.”
Baloney!
Here’s where they and their ilk are wrong.

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Posted on July 17, 2008

By Jim Coffman

Ludicrously enough, we have to scramble at this point to think of ways to upgrade Chicago’s baseball banner-carriers. But scramble we must, if for no other reason than to prop up competitive conversation in this town.
Simultaneously in first place at the All-Star break for the second time in 70-plus years of All-Star breaks, these teams are killing local sports talk (over-the-air and online) franchises. There has been a precipitous drop in submissions to these forums, what with so few “the coach/manager is an idiot” assertions in the air (fortunately Bears training camp is only a month away and they sucked last year, right? Why does Lovie still have a job?). There is even a distinct lack of “of course they should trade the bum” choruses (although there are plenty of loud, individual voices).
Fortunately, we’ve had a little extra time this week to come up with a comprehensive list of sort-of solutions for what almost ails the Cubs and Sox.

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Posted on July 15, 2008