By The Beachwood Dark Hearts Affairs Desk

And other Valentine’s Day press releases, e-mails, links and contributions we’ve received at Beachwood HQ.
*
1. THIS VALENTINE’S DAY, GIVE THE MOST THOUGHTFUL GIFT: BREAK-UP!
Valentine’s Day is upon us once again. Hearts, flowers, and the best gift of all: Breaking up.
Say, what???
That’s right: Break up with you lover. Temporarily break their heart – but set them free to be with their true soul mate and stop wasting their time and their life.

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Posted on February 14, 2008

By The Beachwood Interior Affairs Desk

The following press release introducing new invention, The Wallmarker, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
$3.00 CONTRAPTION MAKES IT POSSIBLE TO SEE PICTURE PLACEMENT WITHOUT HAMMERING NAILS
Dateline: Pahrump, NV
Contact: Jeff Lombardo
Web Address: www.wallmarker.net
PAHRUMP, NV – February 13, 2008 – Throw away the laser. The WallMarker eliminates the need for meticulous measuring and guesswork while hanging pictures. Creating multiple nail holes just to hang a picture may become a thing of the past thanks to a new contraption that allows users to ‘nail it’ the first time.

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Posted on February 13, 2008

By The Beachwood Math Affairs Desk

Lecture titles from a four-DVD course about calculus as advertised in The New Yorker on page 37 of the Feb. 4, 2008 edition.
1. Two Ideas, Vast Implications
2. Stop Sign Crime –
The First Idea of Calculus
The Derivative
3. Another Car, Another Crime –
The Second Idea of Calculus
The Integral
4. The Fundamental Theorem of Calculus
5. Visualizing the Derivative – Slopes

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Posted on February 11, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

HOW COULD I NOT SEETHE?
How could I not seethe
for the exquisite luxury
of your
skin?
How could I not burn
for the fugitive elegance
of your
face?

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Posted on February 8, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

WHOOPS! I FOUND MYSELF!
I found
Myself
Late one Heart-
Attack
Monday
Morning,

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Posted on February 7, 2008

By The Beachwood Meetup Affairs Desk

The newest meetups in your area. Seriously.
* The Chicago Heights Wiffleball Meetup
* Chicagoland Real Estate Entrepreneurs
* Christian Youth Theater
* Wealth In Motion; Creating Your Retirement Income
* The Winthrop Harbor Home Church Meetup
* The Chicago Librarians Meetup
* The Chicago Borderline Personality Disorder Meetup

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Posted on February 6, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

MY GOOD WAR
My friend’s father finally
showed me
his medals. His son,
my friend Dan,
a Navy Commander
killed
on September 11th,
had arranged them
in a
frame
some years
ago.

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Posted on February 5, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

PINDARIC ODE TO THE FANTASTIC FOUR
Ladies: respect. You four came out the front door
at Oakley and North Aves. one late-autumn night
as I lugged the last of my book collection to
Myopic. I was already out of breath, but you guys
took whatever was left. Four of you, ready to PARTY!
One of you said: “We’re all wearing short skirts!”
Indeed: short skirts, leggings, knee-high spiky
boots.
Lo: you are better-educated, better-paid and
better-prepared for life than your male counterparts.
Me? I’m a generation

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Posted on February 4, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, TELL IT OFF
If you love
something,
tell it
off (and then

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Posted on February 1, 2008