A Wheel-Watcher’s Lament

By Leigh Novak

Wheel of Fortune, you let me down.
I have been loyal to your spinning tomfoolery since I was but a young, pastel-clad lass, sitting beside my mother, who always called out the answers much too quickly for my taste. Nowadays, I don’t particularly care for pastels, and I’ve blossomed into a vowel-resisting, puzzle-solving, R-S-T-L-N-E-ing mother-fucker, mother-fucker. I maintain an average 98% accuracy in correctly-guessing puzzles well before the idiots on the show know them. And I keep my own statistics.
I inherited the “Wheel gene” from my mother, although this was as much nurture as nature. In order to stay afloat with mom, my sister and I had to seriously and sternly narrow in on becoming the best Wheel Watchers that we could be. My mom spared no one – age, size, weight class.
My mom also got me into crosswords at a very young age, for which I am terribly grateful. While Wheel may have exercised my competitive side, crosswords satisfied my boredom. And also taught me that if you enjoy your mind, you can never really be bored. Still to this day, I always travel with one or two books of crosswords in my purse. You won’t find me resorting to Us Weekly at the doctor’s office. Or when I am getting my oil changed, and the crinkled stacks of whored magazines, groped by the greasy, dirty fingers of everyone who has recently sat in that waiting room, scream up to me that BRITNEY’S CRAZIER THAN YOU THOUGHT! or THIS ASSHOLE IS NOW DATING THAT ASSHOLE, SINCE THEY BOTH CHEATED ON AND DUMPED THEIR PREVIOUS SIGNIFICANT ASSHOLES! I have a very low tolerance for these diversions, though I confess my interest will be graciously piqued the day they boast something like WE ADMIT: CHILD STARS ARE INESCAPABLY FUCKED!
I prefer word games.
But Wheel, you have let me down. You aren’t what you used to be.

Posted on January 28, 2008

Monk’s Theme

By Marilyn Ferdinand

The demise of the TV theme song seems to be an emerging meme in the blogosphere, including here at the Beachwood. The reasons for this alleged trend are vague, though one writer blames Frasier for putting its breakfast-touting theme song at the end of the episode, thereby hopelessly confusing and alienating legions of TV theme song fans.
I’m here to tell you that, like Mark Twain, the reports of the TV theme song’s death are greatly exaggerated. Randy Newman, today’s best-known composing Newman (Alfred, Lionel, Emil, David, Thomas, and Joey are the others) has single-handedly saved the day with his ingenious theme song for Monk.

Posted on January 15, 2008

24 Hours With Tru TV

By The Beachwood Criminal Justice TV Affairs Desk

Court TV is now Tru TV. Let’s take a look.
*
7 p.m.: Speeders
7:30 p.m.: Speeders
8 p.m.: Speeders
8:30 p.m.: Speeders
9 p.m.: Forensic Files
9:30 p.m.: Forensic Files

Posted on January 11, 2008

And Then There’s Maude: Episode 15

By Kathryn Ware

Our tribute to the 35th anniversary of the debut of Maude continues.
*
Season 1, Episode 15
Episode Title: Walter’s 50th Birthday
Original airdate: 23 January 1973
Plot: Preparations are in full swing for Walter’s 50th birthday party. Foil party hats, streamers, and a banner decorate the Findlay living room. Maude has a big birthday surprise up her big sleeve but her century-old husband is so consumed by his mortality and lost youth that he risks being a real party pooper.
As Maude descends the stairs, she catches a bustling Florida singing Ol’ Man River (“Darkies all work on the Mississippi. Darkies all work while the white folks play.”) Maude is shocked and Florida counters that those are the words. No, no, no, Maude insists, “we have new words now.” Oh, right, says Florida, reprising the song with, “Colored folks work on the Mississippi…”

Posted on January 4, 2008

A Very Forensic Christmas

By Scott Gordon

Only during the holiday season, breaking away from the hurry and hassle, can we appreciate all the ever-expanding bounty the good folks behind cable TV maintain for us. For my sister and I, it was a time to bond over the current wealth of forensic murder investigation shows. Anyone who’s been roped into your average digital-cable “bundle” rip-off service plan should have access to enough of these procedurals to supply a whole channel of their own. But whether it’s the holidays or an obscenely idle long weekend, no TV murderthon is complete without the following.
*
CSI: MIAMI
It’s often easier to transition into this with some fluffier fare. Start with few episodes of CSI: Miami. Behold the sense of wonder with which these investigative technicians explain their findings and methods to each other, because pretty soon you’ll need to settle in with a cast of detectives who are often overweight, have bad skin, sport weird facial hair, and use phrases like “feasibility study” and “medium-velocity splatter pattern” with maximum dryness. Of course, what makes CSI: Miami greater than plain-old CSI is leading man David Caruso, and how he seems to be insinuating something with every goddamn syllable he speaks:

Posted on January 3, 2008

And Then There’s Maude: Episode 14

By Kathryn Ware

Our tribute to the 35th anniversary of the debut of Maude continues.
*
*Season 1, Episode 14
Episode Title: The Convention
Original airdate: 2 January 1973
Plot: This fairly subdued episode, the first of 1973, has the feel of a one-act play. It features only Walter and Maude and is set entirely in room number 12 of a “no-tell motel” in Worcester, Massachusetts. Walter’s attending an appliance convention and Maude has joined him for the first time. Hey, what better time for Maude to suffer an identity crisis.

Posted on January 2, 2008