By Eric Emery

For the third consecutive year, the Emery household shall host a Super Bowl party. I haven’t handed out questionnaires after each party, but I’m confident that the first two were major successes. And that’s not just because of the results of the games (Steelers won, Bears lost). I take great effort to provide a full interactive experience for my guests. It’s more than having a good TV and ample beer supply. It’s the little things that help make the party successful. Here are my keys to a successful Super Bowl party.
1. Divide the room according to allegiance. Give duties and gifts to each side:
* New York fans required to make 9/11 comments at every possible opportunity. New England fans required to recall various occasions meeting the Kennedys.
* New England fans get help pawking their caws. New York fans get help stealing those cars.
* New York fans receive pre-game phone call from Phil Simms. New England fans receives pre-game phone call from Steve Grogan.
* After each touchdown, the scored-upon side must remind their rivals that their hockey, basketball, baseball, WNBA, and soccer teams still suck.

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Posted on January 31, 2008

By Eric Emery

I attended a Peoria Rivermen hockey game this week. Clearly, the only people who attend hockey games in Peoria are season-ticket holders who all know each other. Two such people were seated near me: A lady to my right and a guy behind me. The lady to my right asked the guy behind me “What happened to your arm?” My first thought: “I slipped on some ice” or “I hurt it at work.” The actual answer: “I was jumped by four guys in Pekin.”
The funny thing, though, was how he left out all the details about what really happened.
I do wish I could be everywhere at once, so I could have heard all the other interesting conversations from last week’s games. Here are my best guesses as to what those were – and what information was missing.
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From Lambeau Field
Missed Quote: “Wow, it’s cold out here!”
Missing Information: The only thing he was wearing was a brandy flask.
Missed Quote: “Holy crap, Eli Manning?”
Missing Information: This was said yesterday by still-stunned Packers fans.
Missed Quote: “Dear God. I know that I don’t pray often, but if you could, please make the Giants kicker miss for the third time.”
Missing Information: Bill Belichick is God, and He’d rather play the Giants.

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Posted on January 24, 2008

By Eric Emery

Beachwood Labs has crunched the numbers and come up with four possible Super Bowl match-ups and their predictable media storylines. Let’s take a look.
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Matchup: New York Giants vs. New England Patriots
Storyline: The Battle of New England! Er, The Battle of the Northeast! Boston vs. New York! Er, New Jersey vs. Foxboro! The rest of the country doesn’t care.
Matchup: Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots
Storyline: It’s “down-home, folksy wisdom” vs. “elitist liberal dogma.” It’s Red State Wisconsin (if you don’t count Madison) vs. Blue State Massachusetts (if you don’t count Romney). It’s the Best Two Quarterbacks Ever (if you don’t count Unitas, Marino, Elway or Montana). It’s Cheese vs. Beans! It’s Dreamy vs. McDreamy.

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Posted on January 16, 2008

By Eric Emery

If the NFL playoff teams were presidential candidates . . .
Team: New England Patriots
Candidate: Barack Obama
Punditry: Tom Brady is the pretty face on a team loaded with veterans of the same old cynical football strategies. Meet the new boss.
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Team: San Diego Chargers
Candidate: Bill Richardson
Punditry: Looks great on paper, but not so much on the big stage.

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Posted on January 10, 2008

By Eric Emery

Thankfully, it’s the end of another regular season. Unfortunately, there’s one more tradition for you to suffer through: useless awards given by members of the media. I’m not above the fray, given that I gave out my awards last year, the Toolies. I return again to the fray.
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The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Bobby Petrino. Upon hiring Petrino before this season, the Falcons forgot to ask for Petrino’s middle name: Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooiee!
Last Year’s Winner: Nick Saban for being the first person in history to flee to Alabama.
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Deion Sanders. In defending Michael Vick, Sanders said: “I believe Vick had a passion for dog fighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win.” Does this mean we get to match Deion’s throat against a pit bull?
Last Year’s Winner: Dennis Green for crowning a whole bunch of ass.

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Posted on January 3, 2008