By Eric Emery

With the Christmas season (almost) mercifully behind us, I have an observation: As ridiculous as the NFL hype machine seems to be, the Christmas season makes the NFL look like a tea party with your Aunt Mildred. Gladly Christmas isn’t more like the NFL, because it would look a lot like this:
* Peyton Manning in even more commercials, and also appearing as Santa at your local mall.
* The news measures the health of the economy by finding out how many hot dogs were purchased at the last New York Giants home game.
* The “All-Christmas” radio station changes to “All NFL carols.” The station plays Gloria Estefan signing the favorite “Hark! The Drunken Packers Sing (Glory to the Newborn Favre)”
* Minute-by-minute coverage of Week 17’s action starts in late November.

Read More

Posted on December 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

As we travel to various friends and relatives homes for holiday functions this time of year, we might find a television nearby at the same time that an NFL game with playoff implications is being aired. Do you turn the TV on? If you are the host, do you turn your own TV on?
‘Tis the season for tricky holiday football viewing dilemmas. We’re here to help.
* If somebody’s team is playing and he/she is taping the game, you shall not show any football game. Letting your guest see the score of the game is sort of like telling your guest the day in which he/she will die.
* Exception:If the game is the “hometown favorite,” then your guest should have stayed home.
* Exception to the exception: Host shall not show hometown team if said team has been eliminated from the playoffs. Yes, that means you Bears fans.
* If you do watch a game during a holiday function, the game must be played on the best TV in the house.
* The first person to stand during a commercial must offer to get drinks for everyone else.

Read More

Posted on December 20, 2007

By Eric Emery

I’ve decided to make a quick assessment of the football year for me. Here are the results:
Bears: Favorable – Orton is your quarterback.
Steelers: Mostly Favorable – At best the third best team in AFC.
Column Predictions: Unfavorable – Though better than the 12-infinity record from last year.
Fantasy Football: Unfavorable – Team finished one place better than last year: 9th out of 10.
Office Pool: Unfavorable – Currently in 40th percentile.

Read More

Posted on December 13, 2007

By Eric Emery

Much was made of Comcast not carrying the NFL Network, and in turn, Thursday night’s game. If you are among those who missed the game, you didn’t miss the worst two announcers in NFL history: Chris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel.
Announcer depth is extremely low in the NFL. If you refuse to pull from the Sunday regulars, you’re clearly getting horrible talent for Thursday night. Among football fans, Collinsworth remains as a fairly unpopular choice. In the NFL Network’s wisdom, instead of finding somebody who at least brings out the best in Collinsworth, they hire the boring, dull, and football knowledge-handicapped Gumbel.
Here’s my theory: The NFL Network hired Gumbel to make Collinsworth look better. Would this work in real life? Here are some other examples:

Read More

Posted on December 7, 2007