Chicago -
By Tom Latourette
Have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa
Make your kinara light
From now on,
Your Christmases won’t be white
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Have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa
Something just ain’t right
You get to have Christmas
And you get Kwanzaa seven days and nights
Posted on December 26, 2007
Day 12 of The 12 Days Of Beachwood Christmas
On the 12th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of heartbreak and futility
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On the first day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
Heartbreak and Futility
On the second day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of losses full of
Heartbreak and Futility
On the third day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
3 – Kiki Cuyler
2 – Billy Herman
So begins the Mediocrity
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
4 new owners
3 Donald Trumps
2 Mark Cubans
Let’s get someone to spend some money
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
Fukodome
4 Santo slip-ups
3 international incidents
Domo Arigato
How do the Japanese say Mediocrity?
Posted on December 25, 2007
Day 11 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 11th day of Christmas, Santa gave to me
rap rock like Kid Rock and Run-DMC
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Posted on December 24, 2007
Day 10 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 10th Day of Christmas, Don’s Grill gave to me
another tribute that brought me to my knees
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O Hamburger, O Hamburger
How toxic were your odors
O Hamburger, O Hamburger
How lovely was your meat
Laid in bread, and wrapped in wax
Departing loudly from my ass
Posted on December 23, 2007
Day 9 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 9th day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
a practical alternative to a Christmas tree
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O Christmas Pole, O Christmas Pole
This year I’ll take no chances
O Christmas Pole, O Christmas Pole
You need no leaves or branches
$2.99 at Ace Hardware
A metal stick just standing there
O Christmas Pole, O Christmas Pole
You’re so convenient!
Posted on December 22, 2007
Day 8 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 8th day of Christmas, El Taco Bandito gave to me
a haunting culinary memory
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‘Twas the night before Christmas at El Taco Bandito
They serve tacos, enchiladas and brain-size burritos
We drove in Stan’s Chevy, Milwaukee and Sunnyside was not far
So Tim and Kev, Paul and Mark, Bill and I rode along in his car
We arrived at el restaurante from the jukebox-blared La Bamba
Knowing a few hours later our stomachs would be doing the mamba
The tortillas on the table were nestled with care
Awaiting the salsa dip chaser, hot sauce if you dared
Posted on December 21, 2007
Day 7 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 7th day of Christmas, Beachwood gave to me
more Cubs mediocrity
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1908, 1908, the TV wasn’t invented, West Side Park’s where you played
William Taft won the election
Ford produced his first Model T
Tinker, Evers, Chance and Steinfeldt made your infield deep
You beat the Tigers in five
Now there’s no one who saw it alive
1908, 1908. all those years of frustration just keep slipping away
You’ve been cursed by a pet goat back in 1945
And a Black cat crossed Ron Santo’s path as he roamed the third base line
And Leon Durham was a player you loved
Till that fair ball skipped under his glove
Posted on December 20, 2007
Day 6 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 6th day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
A solution for my flaccidity
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I’ve got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
My turtle wants to hide inside his shell
It’s flaccid and it’s limp, just like a little boys’
I need a taco warmer I can play with and enjoy
I’ve got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
I’m hoping Santa Clause will have a clue
He’ll leave me a stocking with those pills so blue
Then my hapless Elmer
Can start shooting out some glue
Posted on December 19, 2007
Dear Macy’s:
The Walnut Room may have improved the quality of its food this holiday season. Perhaps now it’s on par with Burger King’s French Toast Sticks. I don’t know. After last year’s vile experience at our family’s annual Walnut Room breakfast, preceding the traditional visit to Santa, we vowed never to return. [See last year’s letter to Macy’s below for the nightmarish details.] It was an easy promise to keep, admittedly in part because our youngest child no longer believes in Santa, just in presents from Santa.
You have, to your credit, settled on a theme for the Christmas windows on State Street that actually has something to do with Christmas – the Nutcracker – after several years of stories which were complete holiday nonsequiters. However, you are simultaneously continuing the recent and unconscionable practice of decorating the giant Walnut Room tree not in tandem with the window displays, but as a crass merchandising push.
Posted on December 19, 2007
Day 5 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 5th Day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
Girls in lingerie and a shirtless man you shouldn’t see
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Posted on December 18, 2007
