The Republicans, Episode 7

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew (Sleepy) Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to monitor the movements of our presidential candidates. This time it was the Republican CNN/YouTube debate from St. Petersburg, Florida.
Andrew ate a cup of yogurt and took a nap on my couch until I called him on his cell phone and asked him if he was coming over for the debate. Tim tanked up on Red Bull and lines from A Few Good Men. Steve manned the laptop in disgust. Anderson Cooper moderated.
As always, this transcript has been edited for length and sanity.
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COOPER: There’s been some concern among the campaigns about what kind of questions are going to be asked tonight.
STEVE: Arrrrrrmy questions, sir.

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Posted on November 29, 2007

By The Beachwood Political Theater Affairs Desk

The Republican presidential candidates gather in St. Petersburg, Florida tonight for the CNN/YouTube debate and, as is our habit, the Mystery Debate Theater team will gather at Beachwood HQ to bring you the action. To help get you pumped up, we offer a preview of both tonight’s debate and the rest of the Republican schedule.
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The Beachwood Political Affairs Desk has learned that the following video questions are under consideration:
1. Snowman: I was born right here in the U.S. of A. Shouldn’t I be allowed to get a drivers license?
2. Woman breast feeding an assault rifle: This is my baby. Do you really want to take her away from me? Part two: Do you mind if I breast feed her in public?
3. Congressman Tancredo, you’ve sponsored legislation that would make English the official language of the United States. Can you name the ten major parts of speech?”

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Posted on November 28, 2007

By The Beachwood Barstow Bureau

While the rest of the media left Las Vegas shortly after the Democratic candidates debate last Thursday night, the crack Beachwood Barstow Bureau hung around to scope out how the candidates unwound later that evening. Here’s what they found.
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Joe Biden. Placed large bets on the roulette wheel based on dividing the table into three. Also sweet-talked the cocktail waitresses into a raucous after-hours party in the MTV suite at the Palms where, of course, he had a three-way. Found singing karaoke in the wee hours of the night at a Harrah’s lounge.
Hillary Clinton. Stuck to the blackjack tables where she played two hands at once. She also counted cards and walked away the biggest winner. Never actually checked into a room but managed to make an appearance at every hotel on the strip and the Four Queens downtown.
Mike Gravel. Railed at his fellow craps players at the Bellagio for their disingenuous play before maxing out his credit cards and transferring to Caesar’s Palace, where he tried to incite insurrection among the waitstaff. Forcibly put in a cab and sent to Circus Circus.

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Posted on November 20, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 9

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to witness the grand political spectacle that is the presidential debate. This time it was the Democrats in Las Vegas, providing plenty of punnery that we will not inflict on readers, because really, it’s too cheap and easy to make jokes about running into Dennis Kucinich at the Hacienda buffet. Andrew brought a six-pack of Pilsner Urquell and a microwave burrito (“Forty-five seconds my arse!”), leaving Tim and Steve to fend for themselves two hours later at the 7-11.
As always, the following transcript has been edited for length, clarity and comedy.

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Posted on November 16, 2007

Dear Enabling Aldermen:

Kill two birds with one stone. Invite an exorcist to say the prayer opening your next meeting and then put him to work on Ald. George Cardenas (12th).
Cardenas lacked only a spinning head at the City Council budget showdown Tuesday, so clearly was he possessed by the spirit of the first Mayor Daley. And the first Mayor Daley was ready to hurl green vomit at aldermen who dared vote against the current Mayor Daley’s 2008 budget with its $83 million property tax increase.
“It’s easy to talk about! It’s easy to criticize!” Cardenas/Richard J. Daley sputtered, nearly levitating above his microphone.

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Posted on November 14, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

1. “Barack Obama’s presidential campaign ‘scored a significant hit’ against chief rival Hillary Rodham Clinton ‘by helping to place’ a story about tainted Democratic donor Norman Hsu, according to an article about Obama in the December issue of The Atlantic,” Lynn Sweet reports.
“The story, titled ‘Teacher and Apprentice’ by associate editor Marc Ambinder, describes how Obama campaign staffers were ‘frustrated’ because the press was not covering Clinton ‘in the way they expected it would.’
“‘. . . And at a campaign event in Iowa, one of Obama’s aides plopped down next to me and spoke even more bluntly. He wanted to know when reporters would begin to look into Bill Clinton’s postpresidential sex life,’ Ambinder writes.

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Posted on November 9, 2007