By Eric Emery

Here is the deal with bad ideas: you’d think people would have the good sense to avoid them. After a quick check of the stats before the Denver game, one finds that Devin Hester leads the team in TDs. That’s noteworthy for a RB or WR, but crazy for somebody who excels in a facet least known for scoring. When your starting QB has fewer TD passes than a Return Specialist, perhaps the squib kick is your best option. To quote Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force, a man’s got to know his limitations.
Just in case it needs to be said again: Don’t kick to Devin Hester and don’t do any of the following either.
* Start a land war in Asia or the Middle East during the winter. Or without an exit plan.
* When running for President, address Hillary Clinton as “The Honorable Skank from New York.”
* Play the song “Dominic the Donkey” even if you’re trying to get the song stuck in somebody else’s head.

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Posted on November 29, 2007

By Eric Emery

I’m not into reality TV as a whole, but there is one can’t-miss show in the Emery household: The Amazing Race. This show represents quintessential American ugliness at its best: Americans push locals into doing their bidding, harass customer service people to get what they want, breeze through a foreign culture in 24 hours, and partake of activities on a superficial level while believing their behavior is nearly spiritual.
What if we brought a similar brand of reality TV to the NFL? Let’s take a look.
* Rex Grossman tapes his testimonial saying he “totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn’t get him the snap.”
* Before scoring a TD, a player has to eat six fish eyes and call his agent on a Bluetooth.
* Running backs are required to balance a pot on their helmet. And play behind the Bears offensive line.

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Posted on November 29, 2007

By The Beachwood Ridiculous Affairs Desk

1. He will only eat cheeseburgers plain without ketchup or mustard.
2. He refuses to use unleaded gas.
3. He has a fear of remote controls.
4. He’s allergic to argyle.
5. He can’t jump rope.

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Posted on November 28, 2007

By The Beachwood Sports Marketing Affairs Desk

“I have pages of ideas that Rocky hasn’t seen yet.”
– Ace Cubs marketer John McDonough upon being hired by new Blackhawks chairman Rocky Wirtz
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To sound more adorable, the team will now be known as the Hawkies.
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Ivy painted on the boards.
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Team opens different United Center doors from game to game to for “the puck is blowing out/in” effect.

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Posted on November 27, 2007

By Jim Coffman

After Devin Hester’s first attempted punt return Sunday – when No. 23 not only erred egregiously by swatting at the ball and knocking it down but then didn’t even dive in to try to get it back – somewhere an insightful fan cried out “Devin, that was such a bad play, you’re going to have to run back two just to make up for it.” As it was foreseen, so was the Ridiculous One redeemed.
Then this year’s Bears reasserted themselves. Shortly after Hester had made it 11 special teams touchdowns in just over a season and a half (the career record is 13), they still found a way to trail by two more touchdowns. But then they trailed by only one. And then Bernard Berrian’s (wait, we need a new word here – how about) ludicrous last-minute fourth-down catch tied it up. Soon Desmond Clark was running free through the secondary and Adrian Peterson was again pounding away like a battering ram and Patrick Mannelly’s snap was perfect as was Brad Maynard’s hold and Robbie Gould’s overtime kick. Wow.
On to the highlights . . . and a lowlight or two, or eight.

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Posted on November 26, 2007

By Eric Emery

My first job out of college: Drug and alcohol abuse counselor in the state of Wisconsin. Talk about an uphill battle. It’s probably easier to be a dictation coach for W. In the course of talking with those in the system, we’d state that it’s important to replace the behaviors associated with using drugs and alcohol with new behaviors. Here’s the problem: Gardening and stamp collecting failed to hold the excitement of those who did things like break into houses or start bar fights.
This advice does work, though, for a fan base hitting rock bottom. Here are the most common Kool-Aid Nation behaviors, and recommended replacement behaviors.
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Current Behavior: Yelling at the TV.
Replacement Behavior: Redirect anger to your dysfunctional family.
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Current Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Bears column written by local sportswriters.
Replacement Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Cubs column written by local sportswriters.

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Posted on November 23, 2007

By Eric Emery

Every week, half the nation’s football fans work through the classic stages of grief. Here’s what it sounds like.
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Grief Stage: Denial
What It Sounds Like: This is not happening. There’s still time left. If we score and recover an onside kick, we’ll only need one more touchdown and a two-point conversion. Then we’ll only be down by 10.
Grief Stage: Anger
What It Sounds Like: You suck!
Grief Stage: Bargaining
What It Sounds Like: I know I said I’d have it for you today, but I need a little more time. Just a couple days. Really. Ow! Why’d you have to go and do that? You know I’m good for the money. I just have to move some things around. Ow!

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Posted on November 21, 2007

By Jim Coffman

When asked about his team’s offensive game plan before last Monday night’s match-up with the ‘Niners, Seattle coach Mike Holmgren didn’t mince words. He literally told his foes not to worry about the running game. Holmgren also acknowledged that he was starting to wonder, even more intensely than usual, if the aggravation of losing was worth the trouble. The coach, whose highly touted team was sputtering along at .500 (4-4), was at least starting to contemplate the end of the line. And if Holmgren was going to go, he was going to go with passes blazing. The Seahawks went on to prevail 24-0, but no one was overly impressed. It was only the perennially pathetic 49ers (the times, they have a-changed) after all. The Bears would provide a stiffer challenge, wouldn’t they?

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Posted on November 19, 2007

By Eric Emery

The Bears have finally figured out the offensive formula that works for them: Keeping it simple. Brian Griese is too complicated to be the Bears’ quarterback; he’s a thinker, and he knows the entire playbook. Rex Grossman knows how to win with one quick strike and go home. One-dimensional is the name of the game. Just look at Cedric Benson. I think the Bears like how he just runs into the line and falls down. Don’t get too fancy. Let the defense do its thing.
And can everyone get off Brian Urlacher’s case? One-word answers suit him. Stop filling his head with complete sentences. Simple, people. Keep it simple. That’s the Bears way.

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Posted on November 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

This is the time of year when pro football fans get out their calculators and try to decipher which teams are and are not in the wild-card race. In today’s NFL, you see, you generally have four teams worthy of a Super Bowl appearance and another dozen good enough to get crushed in the playoffs by those four teams.
Which teams will be just good enough for such a crushing? Well, in recent years the formula has gotten more complicated. The league now takes demographic data of each team’s city into account. Let’s take a look.
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Washington: Most Murderous 7th, Brain Power 8th, Worst Work Commute 2nd.
Beachwood Analysis: Players enjoy killing people and they are pretty smart about it. The only problem is that they spend a whole lot of time in the car between killings.
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Detroit: Fattest 9th, Most Murderous 1st, Most Sedentary 4th, Lowest Brain Power 3rd
Beachwood Analysis: Players not satisfied to kill people just by sitting on them.

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Posted on November 15, 2007