By Eric Emery

Perhaps the most ridiculous commercial today is the Career Builder spot where they liken the office environment to a jungle. Office work must really that bad all over to give that commercial such wide appeal. Funny, then, how they’re trying to get you a job at one of them.
And if you’re in an office pool – or just talk ball at work – the ignorant beasts really start buzzing about. Let’s take a look at the various types who probably work in your office.
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Monkey
Identifying the Monkey: It’s the co-worker who jumps across the NFL landscape flinging poo about your team. Probably watched 30 minutes of ESPN to learn just enough to make fun of you.
Shutting up the Monkey: Tell him “I know you heard that from Chris Berman. He’s funnier than you, and Berman is not that funny.”
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Tiger
Identifying the Tiger: It’s the co-worker who lays in weeds quietly until lashing out at an inopportune time with a lame joke about Tank Johnson and Ben Roethlisberger meeting at a traffic accident.
Shutting up the Tiger: Fight fire with fire. Return with “Oh, were you the guy that had to chopper out?”

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Posted on October 25, 2007

By Eric Emery

Like any sporting endeavor, the NFL has winners and losers. These days, the Bears are losers – enough so that the sports guys on Channel 5 the other night reverted to asking if the Bears were who we thought they were. When you start to live up to one of the most infamous loser rants of all time, you know you’re on your way to Loserville. Who else resides there?
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1242 Loser Lane: Mike Ditka
Why: Continued high profile only magnifies how he fumbled away a dynasty after one Super Bowl and then set back both Ricky Williams and the New Orleans Saints for a number of painful years. And his dick doesn’t work.
How He Can Become a Winner: Choke Chris Berman to death.

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Posted on October 18, 2007

By Eric Emery

While it’s true that last week I declared that the Bears still sucked, and I was (technically) wrong, at least I didn’t make the same error that Packers fans did. It’s one thing to deride a team before a game starts. It’s another to start in with the ugly chants when you’re up by 10 with six minutes left in the third quarter. That’s still plenty of game left – as the Bears showed, outscoring the Packers 20-3 from there on out. Oops.
The Cheeseheads at Lambeau oughta know better. You don’t talk about a no-hitter and you don’t go into your victory chant prematurely. If you do, you become what hip sports fans would call a goocher. I’m going to help you avoid that fate. Watch and learn.

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Posted on October 11, 2007

By Eric Emery

Still getting over the severe beating you took in your office pool last week? Guess what, the pro sports bettors are too. A staggering nine of 14 underdogs won. You now need help explaining your gambling losses to your loved ones. As a public service, here are some ideas about how to cope when underdogs rule.
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What To Say: You didn’t lose money this week betting; rather you had to sell your gold Rolex watch to the Goldman family.
Will It Work? Only if you make up the money stealing back your memorabilia to fund efforts to find your ex-wife’s killer.
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What To Say: I’ll make the money up like Ozzie – I’ll stink at work to get a fat contract extension.
Will It Work? Only if your boss is Kenny Williams.
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What To Say: I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t expect the president to be so cold-hearted that he would veto health insurance for our children. I had already cancelled our policies thinking we’d have more money to buy groceries.
Will It Work? Yes. Take a hard line on your kids’ Socialist leanings.

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Posted on October 4, 2007