Chicago - A message from the station manager

Haunted America

The Beachwood Haunted News Release Affairs Desk

AMERICA’S TOP HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS
List Highlights New Standards of Fear and Fun at Leading Haunts
St. Louis, MO – To kick off the 2007 Haunt Season, Hauntworld Magazine, the haunt industry’s leading trade publication, today announced its list of the Top 13 Professional Haunted Attractions in the country. These attractions are being recognized for their attention to detail, high-quality special effects, and overall scare factor.

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Posted on October 31, 2007

Cab #539

Date Taken: 10/28/07
From: O’Hare
To: Rosemont
The Cab: Your basic, somewhat overworn Dodge Minivan. No visible mechanical defects. After finding out the route, driver tested back hatch, tires and suspension.
The Driver: A surly prick even before he found out he rushed into the teeth of O’Hare traffic for a paltry $10 fare. When told of the destination, he tersely reponded “Why Rosemont”? At this point, I figured “Because I fucking said so” wouldn’t help matters.

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Posted on October 30, 2007

Feast on Food Safety

News From Pueblo

Whether it’s your first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the in-laws or the umpteenth time you’ve overseen a casual feast for 25, the last thing you want to send your guests home with is a food borne illness. Brush up on ways to keep your kitchen clean and your food bacteria-free with the free Feast on Food Safety package from the USDA Food Safety and Inspection Service and the Federal Citizen Information Center.

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Posted on October 26, 2007

Chicagoetry: The Great White Dope

By J.J. Tindall

The Great White Dope
We collude in a conspiracy of silence.
We intrude on the poor, demanding coke.
The Children’s Crusade to re-take Humboldt Park
Commemorated the dead. For every line we do,
A bullet blasts into an innocent child’s brain.
But not in Barrington. For every line we do,

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Posted on October 25, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Illinois Legislators Considering a Chicago Casino:

I don’t object to funding society with money raised from the state-sponsored addiction of wretched citizens blowing their next child support or mortgage payments on their next fix. Gambling, in other words. But this Chicago casino idea you’re batting around . . . I just don’t know.
Really, it’s not the gambling that bothers me, per se. The case can be made that, since addictions are often genetically-based, they can’t be stamped out – so we may as well make hay while administrative assistants and salesmen squander their meager paychecks on riverboats.
As the gambling lobby points out, riverboat customers contribute to the surrounding economy. After a long day on the water yanking slot machine handles, anyone who left their children strapped securely in their car seats will be much more likely to treat the little tykes to a Happy Meal. Who wants to cook when you’ve lost all the grocery money?

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Posted on October 23, 2007

Another Beachwood Halloween

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern

Remember all the fun you had with last year’s Beachwood Halloween costumes? Well, we’re back for more this year. Here are ten simple, inexpensive costume ideas for grown-ups ripped out of this year’s headlines.
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1. Larry Craig
Bald wig, business suit, toilet paper stuck to shoe.
Sample party comment: “I am not gay. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try.”
2. Lisa Nowak
Wear a flight suit/jump suit, a NASA baseball hat, and groan inappropriately.
Sample party comment: “Oh, is there a line waiting to get in the bathroom? Hadn’t noticed.”

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Posted on October 22, 2007

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