By Eric Emery

Last season, the most frequent caller in the Chicago sports radio world was The Angry Caller. Or, more to the point, The Angry At Rex Grossman Caller. This season it’s already clear that, even with the benching of Sexy Rexy this week, Bears fans realize that the team’s problems run deeper than just the quarterback position. Now we have a bevy of Confused Callers. Let’s take a look.
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Caller: “If only X would have happened, the Bears would have won . . . ”
For Example: “If Hester would have got the corner” . . . “If Berrian didn’t drop that pass” . . . “If Robbie Gould would have run in for a TD on that ridiculous fake FG attempt . . . ”
Guess What? If my Aunt had nuts, she would be my Uncle.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. It’s like listening to lunatics explaining that if we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq, we’ll have to fight them right here. Well Guess What?

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Posted on September 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

O.J. Simpson may be back in the news, but we think his hijinks will be trumped by the adventures of a few current players this season.
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Ray Lewis: Follows O.J.’s example with a book called Fuck Yeah, I Stabbed the Shit Out of That Guy.
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Peyton Manning: Releases a “Best Of . . . ” DVD of his best commercials.
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Eli Manning: Releases a “Worst Of . . . ” DVD of Peyton’s worst commercials.

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Posted on September 20, 2007

By Eric Emery

Coming into the opening week of football, media coverage typically centers on the coaching and roster changes that occurred during the off-season. But what about the changes to the media coverage? For exampe, ESPN is now featuring a 10-year old in their pre-game program. So we’re looking for wisdom from a prepubescent?
Well, okay then. Here are some other new segments I’d like to see.
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Segment: John Madden and Special (and Naked) Guest Food Network Personality Giada Di Laurentiis in How To Fix a Bacon During Halftime.
Pro: Bacon is yummy. It is mankind’s greatest invention.
Con: Madden stands in front. Splashing bacon grease on bare skin hurts.
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Segment: Dr. Phil gives his folksy advice to wives trying to cope with their husbands’ obsessive football watching habits.
Pro: Gives husbands leverage in watching more football.
Con: Gives wives more leverage in watching Oprah.
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Segment: Neighborhood Guy Guarantees the Winner Against the Spread.
Pro: Builds community.
Con: Aggressive payment program when for surprisingly frequent losses.

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Posted on September 13, 2007

By Eric Emery

The NFL isn’t exactly a repository of great wisdom these days – outside of whatever we can learn from strip clubs and dogfights. But the sages of the ages do have some useful advice for fans if you know how to interpret their words. We’ll translate for you.
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Tupac Shakur: Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.
Applied to NFL: And Lovie dreamed that Lance Briggs wasn’t drinking and didn’t violate any team rules.
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Shakira: Hips don’t lie.
Applied to NFL: But the football players attached to them do.
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Scott “Dilbert” Adams: If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?
Applied to NFL: Watch any locker room interview to find out.

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Posted on September 6, 2007