Chicago -
By Eric Emery
I’ve heard commentators describe the pre-season this year as “a dress rehearsal for the regular season” so many times that I thought I was watching a high school play. And then I figured it out: Even our football analysts have High School Musical 2 on the brain.
And now, so do I.
Let’s do a little casting.
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Performer: Lovie Smith
HSM2 Role: Ryan Evans
Pro: Used to dealing with drama queens.
Con: Weak improvisational skills.
Posted on August 31, 2007
By Eric Emery
If the Bush Administration ran the NFL.
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The Offensive Surge: The five worst teams will be allowed 15 players on offense until they are ready to stand up on their own.
Reason: The league’s losing teams aren’t devoid of purpose, planning or passion, they simply need more people to execute the plan they knew would work all along.
Complication: Additional salaries cause spiraling deficits while teams become reliant on extra players. Biconference study group can’t find way out.
Posted on August 30, 2007
By Marty Gangler
As Chicago was getting pummeled with wave after wave of unending rain, we here at The Cub Factor wondered how players waiting out rain delays occupied their time in the clubhouse. It can’t all be card games and exchanging hot investment tips. Here’s our best guess:
* After helping the groundskeepers with the tarp, Mark DeRosa goes inside to collect towels for the dryer, start a couple pots of coffee, change everyone’s dinner reservations, and then heads up to the WGN booth to help Len and Bob kill time.
* Cliff Floyd regales the youngsters Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot about his favorite stints on the DL. Then he gets hurt getting out of the rocking chair.
* Jacque Jones plays cards with Lou Piniella, but Lou only lets him in the pot when he has a good hand. Lou sits in a lawn chair while he plays and drinks Falstaff.
Posted on August 27, 2007
By Eric Emery
Last week, I postulated that as Americans, we enjoy being right. This week, I tackle a new existential question: How do we quantify a seemingly subjective phenomenon – such as the Bears’ chances this season?
Fortunately, I’m the lucky holder of a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, and as such fully capable of writing up a scientifically valid survey. In conjunction with Beachwood Laboratories, I present: “A Search for Sugar Self-Discovery: How Much Sugar is in My Blue and Orange Kool-Aid?”
Posted on August 24, 2007
By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern
Now that the Cubs have actually been in first place during August, the Cubs answer men are getting flooded with questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.
“Q” writes: I know the first Model T was released one week before the last Cubs World Series championship. Did this have any effect on the attendance at the 1908 Series?
R&D: Nah. There wasn’t any parking in the neighborhood then either.
Posted on August 23, 2007
By Marty Gangler
These are dangerous times for Cubs fans not used to following a first-place team, and we see danger signs ahead. Here are a few helpful hints that will save you from embarrassment both now and for the rest of your lives.
* Don’t demand the first-place discount at Al Piemonte Ford, the Cubby Bear batting cages, or the Cook County Assessor’s Office. You can, however, ask for it at home from your spouse.
* Do not name your new twin boys Len & Bob. Mike & Ryan are acceptable.
* Do not pull out that old Todd Hundley jersey to wear on Casual Friday. A Randall Simon jersey, however, would make you the coolest cat in the office.
Posted on August 20, 2007
By Eric Emery
In American society, we spend inordinate amounts of time determining who is right. But who is always right? Some people say “The customer is always right” but most customer service departments nowadays don’t seem to think so. My wife believes she is always right, but winning every fight doesn’t make it so. I’d humbly submit that only one entity is 100% right:
Vegas.
Especially during football season. Which has arrived.
Let’s review.
Posted on August 16, 2007
By Marty Gangler
The Cubs are in a dog fight (and I mean that in the fighter pilot way not the Michael Vick way) for supremacy in the National League Central division. This oughta be fun, right? So why am I nostalgic for the days when Carlos Zambrano was introducing Michael Barrett to his fists and Derrek Lee was punching air like a girl and Lou Piniella was one passed ball away from a major cardiac event? Sure it was fun when the team started to win, but now that they’ve settled into an incredibly mediocre pennant race, it’s just getting frustrating. Here are few scenarios we’d like to see in the upcoming weeks to spice things up.
* Kerry Wood falls out of another hot tub but this time after he falls out he falls into a well.
* Mark DeRosa starts helping out in the bullpen too.
* The subprime lending market crisis claims Wrigley Field. They can continue playing there, but only if they become the Chase Bank Cubs.
Posted on August 13, 2007
By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern
The Cubs are going to win it all this year. Because it’s been a little while since this last occurred, we’ll catch you up on everything you need to know.
“A” writes: OK, I’m getting a little nervous here. There are way too many people who have heard me say that I would give my left nut for a Cubs World Series Championship. If they win it, do I have any legal recourse to protect my left nut?
Posted on August 10, 2007
By Jim Coffman
By 7 a.m. Saturday, when my picnicking co-conspirator arrived at our home park, some of the prime spots were gone. But he moved quickly – busting out crime scene tape, small posters and clips. And soon he had set up a perfect perimeter. It was close to the area where the trophies would be handed out but not too close. The signage was clear and concise – there would be no doubting our claim. And we had a wonderful mix of shade and sun, or at least we would have, if the day hadn’t been so overcast.
Our T-ball (and coach-pitch of course – don’t ever forget the coach-pitch) seasons ended with a picnic and awards ceremony last week. And somehow the event has evolved into a sort of miniature North Side land grab. I suppose it’s a chance to play Sooner (those enterprising Oklahomans who, when given the chance to settle some land north of Texas left early and grabbed the prime real estate) for a few hours anyway. People arrive early in the morning on the day of the event (I’m guessing some even get out there the night before) and, yes, string up lengths of the distinctive yellow plastic from tree to garbage can to tree to try to ensure their teams have the perfect picnic experience.
Posted on August 10, 2007
