By Eric Emery

If you survived ESPN’s 837 hours of coverage over the weekend, you discovered that nothing is more captivating to teams and pundits alike than draft day trades; nothing except the humiliation of an overdressed dork who still can’t win the big one, that is.
The Beloved, however, held on to Angry Lance Briggs, the Bear Most Likely To Be Traded going into the weekend, and instead merely swapped one higher draft pick for a bevy of lesser ones.
Pity. Here are some other trades the Bears should have made this weekend:
Trade: A package of draft picks to acquire Oklahoma RB Adrian Peterson.
Benefit: Allows unknowledgeable Bears fans to accidentally know the name of two Bears running backs when they think they just know one.
Drawback: Gives Bears play-by-play announcer Jeff Joniak a reason to yell “Adrian Peterson Number Two. . . TOUCHDOWN BEARSSSSSS!”
*
Trade: Bears front office for Chicago 2016 Olympic Committee front office.
Benefit: Olympics will come in under budget with outstanding results.
Drawback: Next free agent signed by the Bears will receive a 12-year, $1 billion contract.

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Posted on April 30, 2007

By Marty Gangler

Through the first 23 games of the season it has become painfully obvious that the roster of this Chicago Cub team is ill-equipped to play winning baseball. A 25-man roster filled with too many second basemen, too many outfielders, and second basemen who play outfield has left Uncle Lou putting more lineups together than the Chicago Police Department. Square players being jammed into round holes just doesn’t really work. What’s funny is that this team has a number of nice puzzle pieces; it’s just that the pieces belong to a few different puzzles. Jim Hendry is to blame, of course. How he has kept his job the last few years is perhaps the greatest puzzle of all.
So we here at The Cub Factor thought it would be fun to look at some other life instances that remind us of the 2007 Chicago Cub roster.
* You go camping with a tent that has no center pole but two extra corner poles.
* You show up for your SAT with three pens but no pencil.
* You go to the 7-11 to buy a pack of gum but you only have a $100 bill, so you buy a couple cups of Ramen, an egg salad sandwich, some paper towels and an US Weekly to pad the bill. And once you leave the store you realize you forgot the gum.

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Posted on April 30, 2007

By Eric Emery

Whether you are a new fan or simply a fan who forgot to fall off the Bears bandwagon, this quickie primer for Saturday’s draft is for you.
Draft Vernacular
NFL-types love their jargon. Last year you learned about the Tampa-Two in all it’s Refuse To Blitz And Lose The Super Bowl glory. Now you need to learn new terms to navigate the sea of draftees:
Mock Draft: A series of draft pick predictions made by a football nerd who was mocked heavily for wearing Zubaz to school every day in the11th grade.
Upside: Player who pretty much stinks now, but could eventually play in enough NFL games to land a starting job in Canada.
Great athlete: Player whose number reflects his IQ.
High character guy: Player who is a big fan of the Jesus.

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Posted on April 24, 2007

By Marty Gangler

Going back to the middle of last season it was obvious to everyone with half a brain that Dusty Baker had to go. But at The Cub Factor we wondered last week if the Cubs’ record would be any different right now if Baker were still the manager. After a computer analysis including such constants as baserunners oversliding bases given to them for free and early-season cold weather, and such variables as the number of players playing out of position and delegating managerial decision-making to the bench, we say No.
Sure, Uncle Lou is a lot more engaging in press conferences and has only used about half the excuses Baker used (so far), but with the talent on this team, one has to consider that the new “accountability” is playing havoc with the team’s psyche. Let’s break down some players and how the season would probably look if Baker were still the skipper:

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Posted on April 23, 2007

By Marty Gangler

While Mount Lou’s first explosion of the season got everyone’s attention, he also muttered something under his breath far more telling. We could swear we heard something about Lou confessing that he was “deceived” by some players in spring training.
He didn’t name names, but we will.
* Alfonso Soriano. Lou was deceived into thnking Soriano could bat leadoff, play centerfield, and avoid getting picked off more than once per game.
* Carlos Zambrano. Lou was deceived into thinking Zambrano had grown beyond the emotional range of a teenager.
* Michael Barrett. Lou was deceived into thinking Barrett knew how to play catcher.

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Posted on April 15, 2007

By The Beachwood Ex-Hawk Affairs Desk

The slog of the regular season is over and playoff hockey is finally here. Rejoice! Few things in sports can match the fast-paced, bordering-on-insane intensity of the annual tournament for the Holy Grail of sports trophies, Lord Stanley’s Cup. Here at Beachwood HQ, contributor Eric Pytel has been crunching numbers and spanking code to suss out the X Factor that determines who gets to take the Cup home with them for the summer.
Is goaltending the difference? A bone-crushing defense? A balanced offense? Or better coaching? Nope. None of those. It’s a little-examined but now-proven ingredient that will be familiar to Chicago sports fans in a different form, but has so far existed under the radar. It’s the Ex-Hawk Factor. Since the 2002-2003 NHL season, no Stanley Cup Champion has had more ex-Hawk players on its NHL roster than the team it defeated. You’re gonna want to call your bookie after reading this.

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Posted on April 11, 2007

By Marty Gangler

In a city of knee-jerk reactions where moods shift with single plays and the prospects for entire seasons are judged on single games, the first week of the Cubs’ 2007 campaign can be summed up like this: Here we go, same old Cubs; Wow, these guys are good; Christ, these guys stink; Damn, we got something here; Hell yes, what’s the magic number; they’ll never put it all together, they suck.
After a week’s worth of games the Cubs are 3-3, can’t steal a base, can’t get consistent relief pitching, are shakier in the field than Michael J. Fox, and can’t decide who to bat second in the lineup. Still, they are just one game back of division leaders Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. In other words, they’re still in it.

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Posted on April 9, 2007

By Eric Emery

I’ve been to six different hockey arenas this year.
1. Allstate Arena
Milwaukee Admirals vs. Chicago Wolves
Attendance: 9,755
Comments: The Wolves offer simple entertainment at a good price. Are you a fan of fireworks and two huge flamethrowers used pregame? How about a skating wolf called Skates? That’s not enough? How about a Deal or No Deal rip-off called Skates or No Skates during the first intermission? Still not enough? How about we have Skates catapult shirts in the crowd while not one, but two Zambonis smooth the ice?
Then, a few weeks after the game, I received a phone call from the Wolves informing me that it was cheaper to buy my tickets through their 1-800-WOLVES line than through Ticketmaster. They even thanked me for attending. Are you kidding me? The flamethrowers were enough.

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Posted on April 4, 2007

By Tom Latourette

The man behind “Dusty Must Get Fired” is back with new songs about skippers Lou Piniella and Ozzie Guillen.

Louuuuuuuuuuu!

Ode to Ozzie

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Posted on April 2, 2007

Our Guide To The NCAAs/By Natasha Julius

Once again, the Beachwood is applying its tried-and-true theories to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament (let’s face it, there’s not enough money in the women’s pool) for both entertainment and wagering purposes. We will update our crystal ball with fresh insights before each and every round.
Championship
Just as we predicted.
# 1 Florida vs. #1 Ohio State
In a battle of electoral battlegrounds, Florida faces a stiff challenge by upstart Ohio State but defends its title once again with late returns off the bench.

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Posted on April 2, 2007