By Eric Emery

With this column we wrap up the 2006 edition of Over/Under. Let’s review what we’ve learned.
1. Don’t bet on football. I wasn’t the only one who sucked this season; things were tough all over.
2. Nobody gives you credit when you’re right, but when you’re wrong, the e-mail overflows. President Bush’s e-mail must all go directly to his spam folder.
3. Coaching in the NFL is a great gig – if you’re clinically insane. Step one: Get hired by Cardinals. Step two: Lose in comedic fashion. Step Three: Appear on YouTube in clip for the ages. Step Four: See inevitable parodies follow.

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Posted on January 22, 2007

By Eric Emery

I spent a few minutes simply staring at the TV after the Patriots defeated the Chargers. It wasn’t just that I thought the Chargers would win; it was that they were my bandwagon team. And according to the rules, I cannot jump to a new one. I am done.
So what do you do when your bandwagon team’s season is over, but the season isn’t? Let’s review.
1. Learn your lesson. Vow you will not jump on that team’s bandwagon for three years. That is, unless the offending coach leaves. Call it the Schottenheimer Rule.
2. Call a true fan to offer condolences. Make sure you mention at least three plays that lead to the loss. Also mention one player that you feel bad for. Finally, vilify the victorious team. At this point, count on your friend being in the “anger stage” of the seven stages of grief. Never say “I know how you feel.” Especially if your team won the Super Bowl last year.
3. You can still be a hater. Certainly, you may not cheer for any other team, but you may cheer against a team. Additionally, if your favorite team has a sordid history with the perspective team you are considering hating, you are encouraged to hate said team. Good: The Steelers lost to the Patriots twice in the AFC Championship. I’ve heard enough about Belichick. I hope the Patriots get crushed. Bad: I guess since the Packers didn’t make the playoffs, we might as well see an NFC North team do well. Saints suck!

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Posted on January 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

Never has one round of wild card football produced so much hysteria as last weekend’s slate of games did. Here are the statements issued this week by players and teams throughout the league.
Office of Dallas Cowboys Inc.: “We categorically deny that we are trying to kill Bill Parcells rather than have to fire him. Conspiracy theories involving Tony Romo are nothing more than Internet twaddle.”
Tony Romo: “I couldn’t be more excited about my trade to the Mavericks, especially since the league went back to their old leather balls. Easy to handle, and no T.O. in the huddle.”
Terrell Owens: “I have 18 dropped passes, er, reasons to fire my publicist.”

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Posted on January 10, 2007

By Eric Emery

These days, if you capture any part of the American sporting consciousness, you must give an award. Why? Because you want to feel more important than you actually are. For instance, did John Madden’s “All Madden” awards really change the lives of the awarded? Imagine seeing the player’s live-in girlfriend field the call from John Madden himself, then putting her hand over the phone and saying “Honey, you know that really old, bloated, stuttering guy from Ace Hardware? Well, he wants to give you an award.”
So, in other words, these awards mean nothing. If nothing else, the salutations I award below give players and coaches what they deserve – a swift kick in the ass for wasting our time and attention. So without further ado, I present: The Toolies.
The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Nick Saban. Nick sounded so sincere when he said “I’m not coaching Alabama.” What we all missed was him muttering under his breath, “Unless they offer me $32 million and a new car. Then I’ll even memorize the words to their state song.”
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Dennis Green. After blowing a 17-point lead to the Bears, Green ranted, “They were who we thought they were!” Yes, and you were who we thought you were too: a nutcase masquerading as an NFL coach. Dennis Green, we hereby crown your ass.

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Posted on January 4, 2007