By Michael Raspatello

Your [February 1 – February 7] leisure guide from the Beachwood Sports Desk.
THURSDAY: To Read/Appreciate Art. New City’s “Super Special” Issue. Newsstands Everywhere. Free. Pick up the latest copy of New City and take a good look at the cover. And don’t try to skimp out by looking online, cause they picture ain’t there. On the cover is model Sandra Salgado “wearing” an Urlacher jersey, reminding you why you’re a Bears fan. And a breasts fan. If that’s not your cup of milk, look inside for other musings about the big day, including a guide to bars celebrating the game and recipes for hot wings.
FRIDAY: To Enjoy Satire/Laugh So Hard You Burn Calories. Onion Super Bowl coverage. Free. In case you haven’t noticed, The Onion now features a long-overdue Sports Section. Current stories include “Bears Lead Rex Grossman to Super Bowl,” “Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines on Dolphin Stadium Sidelines,” and “Bears Inspire City Still Reeling from Great Chicago Fire of 1871.”

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Posted on January 31, 2007

By Eric Emery

Dos and Donts to keep in mind while the Bears proceed to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.
* DO remain in close contact your fellow Bears fans from now until game time. Even the bandwagon fans. This is a time for goodwill toward all.
* DO NOT contact any Colts fans you may know. They live in Indiana.
* DO purchase an insane amount of alcohol. You cannot overdo it.
* DO NOT consume all that alcohol before game time without restocking.

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Posted on January 30, 2007

By The Beachwood News Filler Affairs Desk

How the city’s media will fill the remaining days until the Super Bowl.
1. Devin Hester’s fastest Dan Ryan alternate routes.
2. Breaking Barriers. What it’s like for Rex Grossman to be the first Jewish quarterback in the Super Bowl.
3. Janet Davies with Tank Johnson: 50 ways to decorate on house arrest with Ikea Bolingbrook.
4. The Sun-Times wants photos of other Chicagoans named Lovie.
5. Ditka’s Garbage: What’s In It? Chuck Goudie investigates.

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Posted on January 30, 2007

By Eric Emery

Observations.
1. Rex Grossman disappointed fans most of the year, leaving them with an uneasy feeling about the Bears playoff prospects.
2. Rex Grossman disappointed fans by playing pretty well in the playoffs, leaving them with an uneasy feeling about the Super Bowl.
3. Chicks dig Urlacher. Except for that one.
4. The best offense is a Devin Hester punt return.

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Posted on January 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

For the past few days, I have tried to wrap my head around this year’s Super Bowl match-up. Just how, for example, did the Bears even land in the Super Bowl? Did they consistently dominate their opponents? Yes, for the first five weeks. Did they play great defense? Sometimes. Did they get great play out of their quarterback? As much as they did not.
The Colts provide even fewer answers. Where did their suddenly competent run defense come from? Where has Marvin Harrison gone? Why does Peyton Manning express sadness in a commercial that a former coach of his introduced him to Rock and Roll? Was that a bad thing? And what’s with the cheesy mustache get-up?
Simply put, I’ve been having trouble making sense of it all. That is, I was having trouble until Friday night.

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Posted on January 27, 2007

By Rick Kaempfer

I’m the man in the middle, Brian Urlacher,
Distracted by nothing, except big knockers,
When I’m not bringing, the running back down,
I’m planting my seed, all over the town,
After one of my hits, my foes are dizzy,
Paternity suits, tend to keep me busy,
Sign non-disclosures to keep ’em muffled,
While I am doing the Super Bowl Shuffle

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Posted on January 23, 2007

By Eric Emery

With this column we wrap up the 2006 edition of Over/Under. Let’s review what we’ve learned.
1. Don’t bet on football. I wasn’t the only one who sucked this season; things were tough all over.
2. Nobody gives you credit when you’re right, but when you’re wrong, the e-mail overflows. President Bush’s e-mail must all go directly to his spam folder.
3. Coaching in the NFL is a great gig – if you’re clinically insane. Step one: Get hired by Cardinals. Step two: Lose in comedic fashion. Step Three: Appear on YouTube in clip for the ages. Step Four: See inevitable parodies follow.

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Posted on January 22, 2007

By Eric Emery

Clearly, many readers have waited for this moment. Watching the Bears advance to the Super Bowl wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying without sending all those “Would you like crow with that?” e-mails. So let me say one thing: I was wrong.
Results don’t lie.
Now, some people might say that the Bears excelled in a weak conference, and in an even weaker division. Still others might point at the Bears’ incredibly weak schedule. Some might even point to the team’s horseshit play in the final four regular season games, and that first playoff squeaker against a mediocre Seahawks squad.
Heck, some might even say that Sunday’s game was more about the Saints’ inability to take care of the ball than the Bears stopping their offense. Though the Saints played up to their ability for roughly seven minutes, the Bears offense or special teams failed to play a complete game. The Bears offense converted early mistakes into field goals instead of touchdowns. Even though these people will say what they want to say, the scoreboard reads 39-14. The Bears travel to Miami.

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Posted on January 22, 2007

By Eric Emery

In some ways, Sunday left me a shell of a man. Certainly, I expected the Bears to win, but I thought they would do so in a more dominating fashion. Then my bandwagon team, the Chargers, made a mess in their pants. And after the games, 60 Minutes broadcast an interview with President Bush. What a crappy day.

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Posted on January 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

I spent a few minutes simply staring at the TV after the Patriots defeated the Chargers. It wasn’t just that I thought the Chargers would win; it was that they were my bandwagon team. And according to the rules, I cannot jump to a new one. I am done.
So what do you do when your bandwagon team’s season is over, but the season isn’t? Let’s review.
1. Learn your lesson. Vow you will not jump on that team’s bandwagon for three years. That is, unless the offending coach leaves. Call it the Schottenheimer Rule.
2. Call a true fan to offer condolences. Make sure you mention at least three plays that lead to the loss. Also mention one player that you feel bad for. Finally, vilify the victorious team. At this point, count on your friend being in the “anger stage” of the seven stages of grief. Never say “I know how you feel.” Especially if your team won the Super Bowl last year.
3. You can still be a hater. Certainly, you may not cheer for any other team, but you may cheer against a team. Additionally, if your favorite team has a sordid history with the perspective team you are considering hating, you are encouraged to hate said team. Good: The Steelers lost to the Patriots twice in the AFC Championship. I’ve heard enough about Belichick. I hope the Patriots get crushed. Bad: I guess since the Packers didn’t make the playoffs, we might as well see an NFC North team do well. Saints suck!

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Posted on January 16, 2007