By Eric Emery

During this calendar year, the Emery clan increased by one. This will sound biased, but my nephew J.J. is the cutest baby in the world – and I’m not saying this just because his parents dressed him in the little Roethlisberger jersey I purchased. That was just the right thing to do, because as uncle and guardian of his football development, I’ve declared J.J. a Steelers fan
This Christmas Eve, we spent plenty of time putting words in J.J.’s mouth. Just in case you didn’t know, infants spend an awful lot of time sleeping, eating, and pooping. In between, infants serve as sure-fire entertainment to bridge awkward family silences. So while I’m saying, “Yes, JJ, you love you’re uncle and the Steelers. Yeah, you’re a better quarterback than Roethlisberger,” he’s thinking, “What’s that warm feeling around my butt?”
That’s the beauty of babies.
It’s not much different in the NFL, where announcers spend time putting words in the mouths of players and coaches in order to fill awkward silences. When a linebacker absolutely crushes a wide receiver on a crossing route, you hear “Right here, Zach Thomas says ‘Try that junk somewhere else. Not in my house!'” The truth is closer to “Good. What down is it?”
Because of J.J., I’ve gotten nearly as good as professional football announcers at putting words in other people’s mouths. Let’s give it spin.
* Tiger Woods edges LaDainlan Tomlinson for AP Male Athlete of the Year. “Right here, Tomlinson is saying, ‘I lost to a golfer? What, there weren’t any outstanding bowlers on the list this year?'”
* Jeff Garcia leads resurgent Eagles over Cowboys. “Right here, Garcia is saying, ‘My shrink was right. It wasn’t me, it was the Lions.'”
* Lions’ loudmouth receiver Mike Williams drops a pass in the end zone with time running out to preserve a Bears win: “Right here, Williams is saying ‘I’m just helping my team win . . . the first pick in next year’s draft.'”

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Posted on December 28, 2006

By Eric Emery

We arrived at my in-law’s on Christmas Day to the smell of roughly seven different appetizers. I know this sounds like a cliche, but in this Italian household we spend a good amount of time eating and drinking. It should be noted my in-laws are not the fake Italians who eat at Olive Garden and profess their love of the movie “Rocky.” Almost all of my wife’s relatives grew up in Italy and emigrated to America later in life.
Since many of the younger folks speak only English or limited Italian, and the older folks speak a Sicilian-Italian dialect, communication becomes difficult at times. And my father-in-law is a man of few words. But on holidays, he shines. It’s tradition to toast each other through rhymes. Called “brindisi,” a person makes a toast to another, using their name in the three-line rhyme. Sometimes heart-felt or funny, the “brindisi” ends with you drinking alcohol.
Without a doubt, my father-in-law is the champion of the “brindisi.” On most holidays, my father-in-law breaks out two or three. This year, my brother-in-law busted out a few. All of a sudden, the “brindisi” turned into one big drinking game where everybody tried to out-do each other.
Finally, after four hours, a couple folks started stumbling around. Before we all passed out, we quit the “brindisi” to open presents. Being in the holiday spirit, the experience inspired me to write some “brindisi” toasts for the Bears
1. Every season after the next
Da Bears choke in the playoffs
You can expect the same with Rex
2. Da Bears field many navy blue knockers
Injuries plaque the defense one after the other
Perhaps they can clone ten more Urlachers
3. “Don’t worry, don’t have any fits
Never frown or speak critically”
Is that Dusty or Lovie Smith?

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Posted on December 28, 2006

By Eric Emery

Last week I picked Tampa Bay strictly hoping I’d get to say, “I told you so.” This week I get to say, “I told you so.” How do you like them apples?
Post-game sports radio provided some comic relief, most of which centered on the defense and the coaching staff. Akin to punching one’s arm to help them forget about their headache, Bears fans shifted their ire from Grossman to the poor defensive play. Clearly, both the defense and coaching staff took the second half off last week.
Given that the Bears play the lowly Detroit Lions this week, chances are the Bears defense will need something to occupy their minds in the second half. Here are some ideas for ways the defense can keep their minds engaged:
Recount whereabouts from the last week. Commit to memory where you’ve been in the last seven days. Practice your answers for police interviews later.

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Posted on December 20, 2006

By Eric Emery

The nation’s most important make-believe religious holiday is on Monday. For many fantasy football leagues, the most important make-believe week is Sunday: Your fantasy football championship game. Fantasy football continues to evolve, and I believe these are the most likely additions to scoring systems across the country next year:
HIgh Crimes and Misdemeanors – Earn points each week for arrests, convictions, plea deals and parole violations. Bonus points for amusing mug shots. Likely impact: Bengals and Bears players increase in value.

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Posted on December 20, 2006

By Eric Emery

We all cuss about Christmas presents that need extra accessories. Toys need batteries. Game systems need controllers. Ugly sweaters need someone willing to wear them. But one Christmas gift comes complete with the only accessory it needs: NyQuil and its trusty plastic shot glass. Believe me, the best gift you can give yourself and your cold is a dose of the “sniffling, sneezing, then it takes you and your cold for a woodshed beating” medicine. That’s what I learned last weekend.
And just like listening to Pink Floyd while high delivers insights never gleaned while sober, watching football while dosed with NyQuil opened up a world of insight into some of the game’s largest personalities. To wit:
Bryant Gumbel: Gumbel brings his unexcited and uninformed flair to the NFL Network each week. If you need a three-minute warning to the two-minute warning, Gumble is your guy.

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Posted on December 14, 2006

By Eric Emery

Many tout the value of competition, saying that such pursuits build character. That sounds good, but then I think about playing in pick-up basketball games with my fellow thirtysomethings. You’ll never meet a bigger set of whiners, cheap-shot artists, and ill-tempered ballhogs in your life. And I’m part of the problem.
See, I disliked being benched my senior year. Pathetic as it sounds, somehow those old frustrations buried deep in my soul come out on the court. And in my sick mind, the next three-pointer erases what happened 16 years ago. A lot of guys out there can relate.
Believe it or not, though, some parallels exist between my fellow crappy basketball players and this year’s edition of the Bears.

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Posted on December 14, 2006

The Beachwood Bowl Affairs Desk

A guide to the college bowl season for your viewing and wagering pleasure.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California – Dec. 19, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST – ESPN2
Northern Illinois vs. Texas Christian University
Favorability ratings for Texas Christians at all-time low. Huskies in a landslide.
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada – Dec. 21, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST – ESPN
Oregon vs. BYU
The only winner in Vegas is Vegas. Take the house.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana – Dec. 22, 2006 7:00 p.m. CST – ESPN2
Troy vs. Rice
Troy Smith just won the Heisman, but Jerry Rice was pretty fuckin’ good. Take the all-time greatest wide receiver.
PapaJohns.com Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama – Dec. 23, 2006 12:00 p.m. CST – ESPN2
East Carolina vs. South Florida
Apparently the paternalistic pizza baron’s crack online division is able to invent states. Or did we miss the part where the Outer Banks seceded? And before you say it, yes we’re aware there’s no South Florida either.But at least there’s, like, a Florida, you know? Back the real state, people.
New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico – Dec. 23, 2006 3:30 p.m. CST – ESPN
New Mexico vs. San Jose State
Formerly played in the Immigration Bowl, until the border patrol built a fence around the stadium and corporate sponsors lost interest. The Beachwood wagering system generally prohibits backing a school named after an imaginary state, so Go Lobos.

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Posted on December 11, 2006

By Eric Emery

If you’ve learned anything the past two weeks, it’s that Rex Is Our Quarterback and This Is Our Country. See, if you follow the formula “[Unappealing Noun/Pronoun] Is Our [Noun of Great Importance],” the unappealing becomes tolerable.
– Iraq is Our World War II.
– Bush is Our Commander-in-Chief.
– Lionel Richie is Our Most Important Export.
– 1.3 is Our Quarterback’s Rating.
– Poor Play is Our Way to the Super Bowl.
– The CTA is Our Most Reliable Public Transit System.
– Wire-Tapping is Our Best Way To Protect Your Liberty.

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Posted on December 7, 2006

By Eric Emery

I watched one game in its entirety last week: Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh. That’s because I was there.
As I hinted at last week, I paid way too much for tickets roughly 14 weeks ago. Making matters worse, airline “AA” out of O’Hare chose to cancel my late morning Saturday flight, even though airline “SW” out of Midway chose to fly an hour earlier than my scheduled flight. Last time I checked, O’Hare possesses a normal length of runway to accommodate today’s planes.
So I did what any sports-obsessed fan would do: I threw my stuff in my car and drove. This turned out to be a big problem. Between Chicago and Pittsburgh lies two unremarkable states: Indiana and Ohio. Which is better for the driving sports fan? Here is my analysis.

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Posted on December 7, 2006