By Eric Emery

Having grown up in the lightly-populated, small Northwestern Illinois town of Savanna, holder of the state high school football record for consecutive losses, I learned how to make my own fun. So when I went back home to my see my folks for Thanksgiving, I was ready for some creative time-killing. This time around, for example, me and my father decided to visit a bunch of auto dealerships and check out the stock. It was actually quite entertaining.
Fans of teams that stink who can no longer bear watching their heroes could do well to employ this kind of strategy with the extra time you now have on your hands on Sundays. Here are some suggestions.
Redskins fans: Form your own study group to solve your team’s problems now that hope is lost.
Packers fans: Form a “Ship, Captain, Crew” league. The winner gets his name on state liver transplant list.
Lions fans: Form an investment club to search for other poorly run companies that might sponsor the stadium in which the the most poorly fun franchise in the league not named Arizona plays in.

Read More

Posted on November 29, 2006

By Eric Emery

In Over/Under, I cover the extraordinary hype of the NFL. For football fans, the Super Bowl represents the pinnacle of hype. This past weekend, the world of celebrity reached theirs – TomKat.
I accidentally caught five minutes of TomKat coverage, and it was five minutes too much. Still, I’m not the real victim here. That would be Suri. Imagine growing up with the realization that your parent’s marriage was a sham. Then imagine having it documented by Entertainment Tonight. At least the therapists of 2026 need not ask Suri to recount her relationship with her parents.
When an entertainment “analyst” states, “Both should enjoy a career benefit from this marriage. I’d like to look at this without cynicism and believe there is some love there,” well, it’s hard to believe there is love there. We know how fairy tale weddings and castles turn out – just look at Charles and Di.
We all know TomKat is a marriage of convenience. Here are the NFL equivalents:
GreenBrett – Brett Favre needs playing time to secure meaningless stats to break records. The Packers need Favre to avoid admitting they have no viable successor.

Read More

Posted on November 22, 2006

By Eric Emery

This week we match NFL teams with their corporate archetypes.
The Superstar Salesman: One guy in your department gets all the attention. Sure he’s talented, but you’re working hard too and nobody seems to notice. Plus, in crunch time he seems to disappear, I mean, the individual awards are nice but he’s not exactly meeting the company’s goal of being the best in its field.
Welcome to Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts. The Colts have two players: Peyton Manning, and the guys who play with Peyton Manning. Imagine busting your rump for 60 minutes and getting crushed by 300-pound guys. As you hobble back to the locker room, all you are asked is “How does it feel playing with Peyton Manning?”
Making matters worse, Manning shows up on every third commercial on TV. Clearly, Manning is preparing himself for Congress after football. Not only is he popular, he understands that it pays more to take money from corporations than from your regular job.

Read More

Posted on November 15, 2006

By Eric Emery

I know why you’re here. You’re expecting me to pile on the Bears. But you know what? You can do that yourselves. It’s easy. And it’s yesterday’s news. Here are a few things you couldn’t dream up yourselves, but which are occupying the forefront of my primitive brain.

Read More

Posted on November 9, 2006