By Eric Emery

The Kool-Aid Nation is in a state of obsession over what to do about Rex Grossman. There are two schools of thought.
1. The Bears are 9-2. Even if Grossman played the next five games with his pants around his ankles, the Bears still get home field advantage. He just might not be called Sexy Rexy anymore. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game.
2. Brian Griese sure looks sexy – but in a non-threatening way. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game. Where is Trent Dilfer when you need him?
Remote Viewing
The Tribune discovered this week that a lot of Bears fans go to electronics stores to watch the games. This is hardly news – married men have been using this technique for decades. What’s next, a trend story about men going to Home Depot to escape mundane duties at . . . home?
Electronics stores aren’t the only places to go to watch the game when you have to get out of the house or pretend you are shopping or running errands. Here are a few more.
Hospitals: Check yourself into a single room with a TV and order in a pizza. Instant access to medical care hen you develop a bleeding ulcer after Rex Grossman’s third interception.

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Posted on November 29, 2006

By Eric Emery

Having grown up in the lightly-populated, small Northwestern Illinois town of Savanna, holder of the state high school football record for consecutive losses, I learned how to make my own fun. So when I went back home to my see my folks for Thanksgiving, I was ready for some creative time-killing. This time around, for example, me and my father decided to visit a bunch of auto dealerships and check out the stock. It was actually quite entertaining.
Fans of teams that stink who can no longer bear watching their heroes could do well to employ this kind of strategy with the extra time you now have on your hands on Sundays. Here are some suggestions.
Redskins fans: Form your own study group to solve your team’s problems now that hope is lost.
Packers fans: Form a “Ship, Captain, Crew” league. The winner gets his name on state liver transplant list.
Lions fans: Form an investment club to search for other poorly run companies that might sponsor the stadium in which the the most poorly fun franchise in the league not named Arizona plays in.

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Posted on November 29, 2006

By Don Jacobson

Yeah, I’m a Minnesota Twins fan. Have been ever since Harmon and Tony-O took Koufax to Game Seven in 1965. I’ve got a history with those guys – a history that includes a lot of lonely years when 8,000 people showing up at Met Stadium and later the Metrodome was considered a good night. But in all those years, never have I been as impressed with them as I was this year, when they won the AL Central in a mad dash and boasted the American League’s MVP (Justin Morneau), its Cy Young winner (Johan Santana), and its batting champion (Joe Mauer). The Cardinals and Tigers got to the World Series, but I’d say it was the Twins who had the best season of anyone.
If only the Cubs were paying attention. The Twins have won their division four of the last five years with only a fraction of the North Siders’ payroll. And yet, the Cubs stubbornly refuse to learn any lessons – as if their formula has been working. It hasn’t, and opening up the Tribune Company’s checkbook even more for someone like Alfonso Soriano won’t work either. The real answer for the Cubs, as well as just about any baseball team, is obvious: Grow your own.

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Posted on November 27, 2006

By Eric Emery

Thanksgiving: Perhaps the only holiday in which we cover all seven deadly sins. Eat and sleep. Brag and become jealous. Hoard the mashed potatoes and whine that Uncle Ken ate all the stuffing. Granted, lust is hard to work into this family-centered holiday. That is why we have FOX.
Thanksgiving is also my favorite holiday. And now I will defile it by matching a Bears player with my favorite Thanksgiving fare.
Turkey: Brian Urlacher. Clearly, Urlacher is the centerpiece of the Bears. Just listen to any telecast, and they will marvel at his grandeur. But as the year goes on, turkey becomes tiresome – turkey sandwiches, turkey stew, turkey shakes. By the throes of winter, the turkey becomes dry and rubbery. The turkey has become overexposed, and you want something else. Like baseball season.
Gravy: The schedule. Gravy is the MVP on any Thanksgiving plate. It solves everything that sucks – turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce. The Bears’ schedule is this season’s gravy. When the Bears appear like the mushrooms in the green bean casserole, the good ‘ol schedule saves the day.
Baked Beans: Rex Grossman. Sometimes sweet, sometimes spicy, sometimes laden with bacon (mankind’s best invention), baked beans start out as a symphony for the taste buds. They don’t end that way, though. They end up stinking.

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Posted on November 22, 2006

By Eric Emery

In Over/Under, I cover the extraordinary hype of the NFL. For football fans, the Super Bowl represents the pinnacle of hype. This past weekend, the world of celebrity reached theirs – TomKat.
I accidentally caught five minutes of TomKat coverage, and it was five minutes too much. Still, I’m not the real victim here. That would be Suri. Imagine growing up with the realization that your parent’s marriage was a sham. Then imagine having it documented by Entertainment Tonight. At least the therapists of 2026 need not ask Suri to recount her relationship with her parents.
When an entertainment “analyst” states, “Both should enjoy a career benefit from this marriage. I’d like to look at this without cynicism and believe there is some love there,” well, it’s hard to believe there is love there. We know how fairy tale weddings and castles turn out – just look at Charles and Di.
We all know TomKat is a marriage of convenience. Here are the NFL equivalents:
GreenBrett – Brett Favre needs playing time to secure meaningless stats to break records. The Packers need Favre to avoid admitting they have no viable successor.

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Posted on November 22, 2006

By Eric Emery

The further along we get in this Bears-infested season, the more desperately those of us outside the Kool-Aid Nation need to support each other. Here are some guidelines to help you if you are forced to watch the Bears with Bears fans.
1. Come with gifts. Sure, last week I gifted the 12-pack Ken left at my house two weeks earlier. This re-gift is appropriate and appreciated in guy-dom. The extra bag of BBQ chips softened him up.
2. Allow Bears fans time for pre-game hubris. A wise person once said, “You cannot reason with the unreasonable.” Allow Bears fans time to say things like “This game is over early” and “Urlacher sits at the right hand of God.” Remembering these quotes for later. And later will arrive – one of these weeks.
3. Prepare talking points. Both kinds.
a) Facts. Gather general information about the Bears. For instance, mentally note recent running backs who have run for more than a hundred yards against the Bears. Note Rex Grossman’s quarterback rating on the road. Commit to memory Bears wins vs. teams with winning records. That one’s easy.
b) Insults. Mix in standards like, “Wow, nice Urlacher jersey. For a moment, I thought you were Urlacher was right here until I noticed there where 10 other Urlachers here,” with obscurities such as ” What a mistake by Jason McKie. Put in the backup!”

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Posted on November 15, 2006

By Eric Emery

This week we match NFL teams with their corporate archetypes.
The Superstar Salesman: One guy in your department gets all the attention. Sure he’s talented, but you’re working hard too and nobody seems to notice. Plus, in crunch time he seems to disappear, I mean, the individual awards are nice but he’s not exactly meeting the company’s goal of being the best in its field.
Welcome to Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts. The Colts have two players: Peyton Manning, and the guys who play with Peyton Manning. Imagine busting your rump for 60 minutes and getting crushed by 300-pound guys. As you hobble back to the locker room, all you are asked is “How does it feel playing with Peyton Manning?”
Making matters worse, Manning shows up on every third commercial on TV. Clearly, Manning is preparing himself for Congress after football. Not only is he popular, he understands that it pays more to take money from corporations than from your regular job.

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Posted on November 15, 2006

By Eric Emery

I’m not a big sports radio guy, but the post-game commisserating after last week’s stunning loss to the Dolphins was comedy gold.
Now that the Bears are embarking on a three-game road trip that could result in a four-game losing streak, though, we’d like to better prepare the Kool-Aid Nation for what lies ahead.
Here, then, is our six-step primer on How To Perform The Angry Sports Radio Call:

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Posted on November 9, 2006

By Eric Emery

I know why you’re here. You’re expecting me to pile on the Bears. But you know what? You can do that yourselves. It’s easy. And it’s yesterday’s news. Here are a few things you couldn’t dream up yourselves, but which are occupying the forefront of my primitive brain.

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Posted on November 9, 2006

By Eric Emery

I watched very little football this weekend. How do you write about something you know nothing about? I polled the Kool-Aid Nation. Here is their report.
First Quarter
* Bears return opening kickoff 242 yards, setting a record in return yards and also becoming the first team to collectively tear the space-time continuum. (Bears 7 – 49ers 0)
* Forty-Niners start their first drive from their own 20-yard line with a handoff to Frank Gore. Tommie Harris literally draws and quarters Gore, causing a fumble which he then returns for a touchdown. Harris feels bad about ending Gore’s life and sits out the rest of the game. (Bears 14 – 49ers 0)
* Bears kicker Robbie Gould kicks a 41-yard field goal. Gould actually missed the kick at first but the ball traveled around the world and sailed through the uprights on its second pass. (Bears 17- 49ers 0)

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Posted on November 4, 2006