By Jim Coffman

Which play was the perfect microcosm? Was it the Vikings’ final touchdown? The one where everyone in the stadium knew the home team wasn’t going to have the backup quarterback, who had just entered the game without any sort of significant warm-up, pass the ball? Then, after a timeout, the Vikings ran a delay. Delays are only supposed to work when the other team thinks there is at least a tiny chance of a pass. And the delayed handoff was to Adrian Peterson, the guy all 11 Bears defenders should have had in their sights. But there was Peterson, scooting left, then through a hole and then into the end zone virtually untouched.

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Posted on December 18, 2007

By The Beachwood Performance Enhancing Affairs Desk

The Cubs and White Sox were plenty present in the Mitchell Report released last week. Let’s take a look.
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“Mitchell blasts the ‘code of silence’ of players and managers, such as former Cubs skipper Dusty Baker,” Rick Telander writes.
“Baker long has said he knew nothing of steroid usage by any player during his years as manager of the Giants.
“The Mitchell Report shows Baker knew at least one of his player, Marvin Benard, had used steroids, but Baker ‘did not report Benard’s admission to anyone in Giants management or the Commissioner’s Office.'”
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Of course, Barry Bonds played for Baker all those years in San Francisco.
Dusty Baker: The Sgt. Schultz of Major League Baseball.

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Posted on December 17, 2007

By Eric Emery

Now that the Bears season is lost, you may be finding it hard to get excited about watching the remaining games, even if Kyle Orton will be on display like a circus freak. But oh my funny, fuzzy Bear fans, you’re forgetting about our good friend alcohol. Here’s a Bears drinking game to enhance these last few weeks of Letdown ’07.
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Pregame Prep
Step one: Get fellow Bears fans of legal drinking age.
Step two: Get one case of beer per person. I recommend Hamm’s, since it had a bear as a mascot.
Step three: Elect a “referee”. Some of the rules will require some interpretation.
The Rules
Drink beer each time the following occurs.
Brian Urlacher
* Drink once for every Urlacher tackle.
* Drink once each every time broadcasters say “Arthritic back”, “off-year”, or “humps everything that moves.”
* Chug if announcer says “Urlacher is still the best linebacker in the NFL.”
Rex Grossman
* Drink once for every shot of him on sidelines.
* Drink once more if he is smiling.
* Drink once more if it appears he is not paying attention to the game.
* Chug if announcer says “Grossman is still the Bears’ quarterback of the future.”

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Posted on December 14, 2007

By Eric Emery

I’ve decided to make a quick assessment of the football year for me. Here are the results:
Bears: Favorable – Orton is your quarterback.
Steelers: Mostly Favorable – At best the third best team in AFC.
Column Predictions: Unfavorable – Though better than the 12-infinity record from last year.
Fantasy Football: Unfavorable – Team finished one place better than last year: 9th out of 10.
Office Pool: Unfavorable – Currently in 40th percentile.

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Posted on December 13, 2007

Everyone can sing along with this one, Bears fans.

The Hester Man

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Who can take a kickoff
Run it back in record time
Make you leave your jock strap
On the 50-yard line
Devin Hester can
Devin Hester can
Devin Hester can ’cause he mixes dekes and jukes and makes the Bears seem good
Who can be a decoy
Line up wide or in the slot
Who’s risking injury
8 catches all he’s got
Devin Hester can
Devin Hester can
Devin Hester can ’cause he’s leaping a defender, giving Bears fans wood

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Posted on December 12, 2007

A “What If?” experiment brought to you by Beachwood Labs.
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What if Lou Piniella coached the Bears?
* Rex Grossman would have been traded after the third game of the season and Griese and Orton would trade starts with various members of the practice squad. And it would work.
* Devin Hester would play every down at a variety of positions. His nickname would be DeRosa.
* Like your crazy drunk uncle, Lou would have been kicked out of at least one game for kicking a referee’s flag all over the field in anger.

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Posted on December 11, 2007

By Jim Coffman

A special edition of Bear Monday.
Cris Collinsworth is the best analyst in football and he filled last night’s broadcast with intelligent and oftentimes wonderfully blunt commentary. He almost never pulls punches but for some reason midway through the fourth quarter he couldn’t help himself. When confronted with the realization that Brian Urlacher hadn’t made a play all night against the Redskins, he prevaricated. Instead of lowering the boom on a guy who was overrated even as the Bears went to the Super Bowl last year (first and foremost it has been years since he was good enough fighting off blocks and tackling running backs), Collinsworth told his national audience only “It has been a bit of a down year for Brian Urlacher.”
And it is has been a bit of a rough century for the Cubs.
On to the lowlights:

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Posted on December 7, 2007

By Eric Emery

Much was made of Comcast not carrying the NFL Network, and in turn, Thursday night’s game. If you are among those who missed the game, you didn’t miss the worst two announcers in NFL history: Chris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumbel.
Announcer depth is extremely low in the NFL. If you refuse to pull from the Sunday regulars, you’re clearly getting horrible talent for Thursday night. Among football fans, Collinsworth remains as a fairly unpopular choice. In the NFL Network’s wisdom, instead of finding somebody who at least brings out the best in Collinsworth, they hire the boring, dull, and football knowledge-handicapped Gumbel.
Here’s my theory: The NFL Network hired Gumbel to make Collinsworth look better. Would this work in real life? Here are some other examples:

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Posted on December 7, 2007

By Eric Emery

Late last week, I received an e-mail from a friend casting doubt on my Bears prediction (Chicago plus 2). One thing led to another, and we bet 12 boneless chicken wings on the game. I’m not bringing this up because I made the wrong pick (which I do on a regular basis). I’m mentioning it because this person is a Bears fan, yet he was betting against the Bears. At home. Against a vulnerable opponent. In a must-win game.
New rule: When a fan bets against their own team, that fan is not allowed to bet for their team for the remainder of the season. Here are some more betting rules.
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Sucker Bet: The Bears sticking with what works – like the hurry-up offense and using throwing to its dynamic duo of tight ends.
Sure Bet: Insisting on game plans not best suited to the talent at hand.
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Sucker Bet: The Bulls or Bears going for a second consecutive win.
Safe Bet: Against the Bulls or Bears going for a second consecutive win.
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Sucker Bet: Lovie Smith’s personnel wishes (Bob Babich, Adam Archuleta) vs. Jerry Angelo’s best instincts.
Safe Bet: The Bears amazing failure to draft the right running back.

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Posted on December 6, 2007

By Jim Coffman

Call it death by a thousand tiny wounds, just about all of which were self-inflicted. The Giants did a few things right down the stretch of Sunday’s showdown at Soldier Field, but mostly the Bears chipped and chipped and chipped away at themselves until they crumbled. The home team could have survived the half-dozen infuriating five-yard flags that flew at all the wrong moments. They could have persevered through the offensive ineptitude. They could have overcome the same stinkin’ defensive deficiencies we’ve been decrying for months. But they couldn’t survive all of them stuffed into one atrocious second half.

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Posted on December 3, 2007