Chicago - Nov. 15, 2018
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Beachwood PP&T
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Open Letter

Dear Asses Of Chicago Commuters:
This crowding reduction plan isn't working at all for your human.

Posted on January 29, 2013

Open Letter

Dear Pentagon:
Lighting up a chemical jihad.

Posted on December 11, 2009

Open Letter

Dear Sears Tower:
Don't let the sky scrape your ass on the way out.

Posted on March 16, 2009

Open Letter

Dear Illinois African-American Community:
Don't settle for Roland Burris. He's a lose-lose proposition.

Posted on February 24, 2009

Open Letter

Dear Laurence Msall:
Trees, sick people, anyone who needs a quick Xerox - these you deem important enough to protect from the villainous Cook County Board. But not the average Cook County citizen?

Posted on March 19, 2008

Open Letter

Dear Urban Bicyclists:
My God I'm tired of hearing bikers whine about their lot.

Posted on March 7, 2008

Open Letter

Dear Macy's:
A family's vow never to return to the Walnut Room is met for another holiday season.

Posted on December 19, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Hyde Park Co-Op:
You are old. You are broke. But you are not beloved.

Posted on November 28, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Enabling Aldermen:
Aldermen Tom Tunney, Ike Carothers and George Cardenas do the mayor's heavy lifting. Because bullshit weighs a ton.

Posted on November 14, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Chicago City Council:
Defiance and rebellion will never be easier.

Posted on November 12, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Illinois Legislators Considering a Chicago Casino:
Casinos are better than lotteries because lotteries don't have restaurants.

Posted on October 23, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Washlet Company:
You stand accused of using women's naked butts in the most audacious manner possible to move product.

Posted on October 4, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Children's Museum:
Apparently the kids of Chicago will be forced to play with recalled toys from China if the Children's Museum doesn't get its way.

Posted on September 18, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Fellow Parents Planning Birthday Parties:
Unless you've just moved into the neighborhood, your neighbors already know how you live. You won't fool anyone by holding your kid's birthday party at the Rainforest Cafe.

Posted on July 24, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Eric Zorn and Rich Miller:
I still can't believe I got someone fired, possibly ruining her New York magazine career, because of a silly article about company dress codes. That's why I still worry about individual words.

Posted on July 10, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Lake Forest:
Even the children of Lake Forest, it seems, are not good enough for Lake Forest.

Posted on June 26, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Todd Stroger:
By your logic, mayors, governors and senators could be disappearing right and left for face lifts, tummy tucks, breast enlargement, and you-know-what enlargement. And we would never know why they were gone.

Posted on June 20, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Alderman Natarus:
After 36 years, you've talked your way into the story of Chicago. Naturally you must wonder: How will history treat Burton Natarus? Why wait. Let's get started right now.

Posted on May 10, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Paul McCartney On The Occasion Of Your Latest Release:
Many artists have been saved from your fate, Paul, by meeting an untimely death. I hate to think what Jim Morrison might be up to these days, for instance, if he was still with us. Perhaps hosting Deal or No Deal.

Posted on May 2, 2007

Open Letter

Dear New Skin Cancer Specialist:
You started pointing out various moles on my arm. "I don't like that one. This one is slightly elevated on one side, I don't like that one. That one is uneven, I don't like that. But I can't cut out all of them. I can't make you like Swiss cheese."

Posted on April 17, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Heifer International:
The civil rights movement, for example, has been every bit as divided as feminism in its goals and tactics. Yet I don't recall ever hearing an African-American say, "Oh sure, I support equal rights for blacks - but I'm not one of those civil rights activists!"

Posted on April 3, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark:
If I could subpoena every dog within a couple of miles for a stool sample so we could positively ID you with the DNA in your own dog's shit, I would. In fact, there should be a city-wide dog shit DNA database for just this purpose.

Posted on March 20, 2007

Open Letter

Dear People Who Normally Park in the 5300 to 5500 Blocks of S. Shore Drive:
A Northwestern University engineer surmised that "a derivative of a law of physics applies - conservation of cars. They did not disappear or cross over to a parallel universe." Still, they are gone.

Posted on March 6, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Macy's:
As an atheist, I see no reason to put up with ubiquitous Christianity all year long and then skip the only good part, Christmas. Accordingly, my children have been taught, like all good Chicagoans, that the real Santa sees kids at the State Street Field's. Only such inflexible dogma could get my husband and I to blow about fifty bucks each year on a sorry Walnut Room breakfast before visiting Santa.

Posted on February 27, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Lin Brehmer:
Remember the old partying adage, "Too early for Floyd"? In this case, "Too early for Floyd" means "Play all the Pink Floyd you like, just play it after I've dressed and left the house."

Posted on February 19, 2007

MUSIC - Spring Awakening Wake-Up Call!
TV - Exclusive! Rahm's New TV Gig.
POLITICS - The Political Odds UPDATED.
SPORTS - NHL: CTE Not Our Fault.

BOOKS - Stan Lee, Flawed Hero.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: I Am Iron Man.

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