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Barista! The Coffee Goes Cold
By Maude Perkins
Sure, I made an awful lot of transactional enemies, but I had even more allied customers that went largely unmentioned in this column. Let's be honest, you readers didn't care about them. You only wanted to know about the dipshits and the douchebags.Posted on May 14, 2007
Barista! The Return of Stupid
By Maude Perkins
I reached behind her stupid bouffant and slammed her face straight into the countertop, hot Americano spilling all about her and scalding her face. Well, that isn't exactly how the transaction ended. Per se.Posted on April 11, 2007
Barista! Even Blended Frozen Drinks Cannot Bring Me Down
By Maude Perkins
A customer informs us that our district manager is the most self-centered, egotistical person he has ever overheard. Our customers are getting smarter every day.Posted on March 26, 2007
Barista! McCoffeeland Looms
By Maude Perkins
A plea to Head Bean: Heed Barista's call before you end up with indoor playgrounds and a do-gooder mascot.Posted on March 15, 2007
Barista! Sans Clown
By Maude Perkins
We abide by a mentality to cater to nitpicky drink requests, but let's be honest, people have taken this small, innocent privilege and shit all over it.Posted on March 05, 2007
Barista! Annoyances Large and Grande
By Maude Perkins
Lady, you just ordered two sizes and no actual drink there.Posted on February 28, 2007
Barista! How I Roll
By Maude Perkins
One minute to close, all lights are out, regardless of people still in store. You didn't get the fucking message four minutes ago? Now you can feel your way to the door. Thank you, come again.Posted on February 18, 2007
Barista! Cold Winds Blow
By Maude Perkins
Sure, I wasn't necessarily the nicest I could have been, but at least I didn't tell her to go have her Grey's Anatomy conversation somewhere else.Posted on February 11, 2007
Barista! Suggestively Selling Out
By Maude Perkins
The district manager threatened to write up any manager whose baristas were not suggestively selling to every customer. And then we, the supervisors, would also be written up for allowing non-suggesting to occur on our shifts.Posted on February 02, 2007
Barista! Assistant Managing
By Maude Perkins
When District Manager Nimrod scoots on over from Pizza Hut without ever drinking a cup of coffee and barks orders at the people who have espresso endlessly caked under their fingernails, the system tends to break down.Posted on January 23, 2007
Barista! Glazed and Confused
By Maude Perkins
One of these days (probably in February when I'm over the resolution thing), I'm going to emphasize to him that he can buy those cool French press things, and decaf espresso, and do it his goddamn self.Posted on January 18, 2007
Barista! Bucket Brigade
By Maude Perkins
Who knew where that missing glove had been? I mean, besides floating around the cocoa urn.Posted on January 03, 2007
Barista! The Gift Card That Saved Christmas
By Maude Perkins
I wanted to smash his head through the glass so he could get a closer look at the superior quality of people he was degrading.Posted on December 27, 2006
Barista! The Motley Weekend Crew
By Maude Perkins
Most of the homeless people are dazzling conversationalists. Whether they are talking with themselves, each other, or with you, it is never short of fascinating.Posted on December 18, 2006
Barista! The Refill Bandit
By Maude Perkins
If this guy really had to cut corners, he'd forego his daily, overpriced corporate coffee. But maybe the cup with the familiar logo on it is too much of a status symbol to give up - like his Lexus. I wonder if he bargains for refills at the gas station.Posted on December 11, 2006
Barista! The Unbearable Horror of the Kids Corner
By Maude Perkins
I realize, by the way, that some of you may think it would be cute and somehow appropriate to spell the "Corner" in Kids Corner with a "K." But there's nothing cute about it.Posted on December 07, 2006
Barista! Giving Peace A Chance
By Maude Perkins
Barista gives peace a chance - and finds it lacking.Posted on November 23, 2006
Barista! Mocha Violencia
By Maude Perkins
With only two of us working at the time, I nearly fashioned myself a gun out of rubber bands, spoons and whole beans to take aim at this blonde wench as she did an eager dance outside the store window.Posted on November 19, 2006
Barista! The Perks
By Maude Perkins
There are perks to the job - being snide to customers who can take it and working with co-workers who are equally as dark. Plus, the coffee smells great.Posted on November 12, 2006
Barista! Holiday Spirits, On The Rocks
By Maude Perkins
The company I work for all but blows Santa for eight weeks straight. Nine, if you count this week - the one preparing, training, unwrapping, decorating, and stomaching for the main stretch.Posted on November 05, 2006
Barista! A Grande Skim Offensive Latte
By Maude Perkins
I don't advise being a douche to those preparing products for you to put in your mouth.Posted on November 01, 2006
Barista! Back in the Grind
By Maude Perkins
I explained that anytime you put something in your mouth - or even get in your car to drive to the local coffee shop - you are putting your life at risk. And I warned him not to sue. Problem solved.Posted on October 21, 2006
Barista! Our Ennobling Mission
By Maude Perkins
I don't know what utopian coffee village employs our trainer, but my observation to the class was that not everyone wants to have their day enriched by a chipper barista; especially not the pre-caffeinated majority that is our customer base.Posted on October 16, 2006
Barista! Tales From the Coffee Front
By Maude Perkins
The pastry case looked a little weak, my manager said. Maybe we ought to do something about it. We meant me.Posted on October 09, 2006
Life at Work
By J. Bird
Remember the Clinton years when you could lose your job and have a new one five minutes later? Sigh.Posted on October 05, 2006
Life at Work
J. Bird
Even unemployment can be a grind.Posted on October 02, 2006
Life at Work
By J. Bird
I was once really really desperate to learn goat husbandry in the Arizona desert. Didn't happen. This isn't a world where you can really be whatever you want to be.Posted on September 29, 2006
Life at Work
By J. Bird
My parents are returning home soon from vacation. I'm adjusting my personal threat level to orange.Posted on September 28, 2006
Life at Work
By J. Bird
Even the unemployed call in sick sometimes.Posted on September 27, 2006
Life at Work
By J. Bird
It's not only payday I miss; it's the anticipation of payday as it nears. I also miss that loud office guy talking about his weekend nightclub conquests.Posted on September 26, 2006
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