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I Am A Security Guard: The Roaring 20s
By Jerome Haller
I resisted the urge to shove his face through the door. Instead, I called the police.Posted on March 9, 2010
I Am A Security Guard: Where Is The Love?
By Jerome Haller
The New Cashier has a good heart, but can be flippant when someone ticks her off. Also, she had just dumped her loser boyfriend.Posted on February 25, 2010
At Your Service: Holiday Hoedown
My manager tried to follow the group as they walked out. I tried to hold him back but he's a big guy.Posted on January 11, 2010
I Am A Security Guard: Hairy Situations
Customer offenses.Posted on December 10, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Profiling
Was the Head Guard targeting suspects based on skin color? I found out later that night.Posted on November 13, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Nicknames
Churros, Coupons, Diapers, and Mr. Stinky.Posted on November 12, 2009
At Your Service: Staff Unity
I'm not afraid to tackle a bitch.Posted on October 29, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Origins Part 2
As time passed it became clear that several of the other guards were lazy, incompetent, or both.Posted on October 13, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Origins Part 1
I enjoyed the sessions because they provided a taste of the real world. No one talked about handling dangerous visitors at my old office.Posted on October 12, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Se Habla Espanol
He approached me and asked for "gay or raid."Posted on September 25, 2009
At Your Service: The Stupid Season
I don't think I'll miss explaining a dozen times that our exit is located the same place you came inPosted on September 24, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: My First Stakeout
The assistant manager kept grinning like a schoolboy sneaking a peek in the girls' locker room.Posted on September 15, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Bad Moon Rising
I have my father's bad temper. This was the night I thought I might lose it - over cheap merchandise.Posted on September 11, 2009
I Am A Roofer
Say what you will about trade unions, but this is exactly why most of them have some sort apprenticeship program that extends beyond, "Dude, what are you doing Monday morning?"Posted on September 8, 2009
I Am A Security Guard: Darkest Before The Dawn
Hookers, drunks, addicts and lonely folks with nothing better to do stalk the aisles in the dead of night.Posted on September 1, 2009
At Your Service: Neck-breakers
Ageless abstractions - like drunks and bad math.Posted on August 27, 2009
At Your Service: Smells Like Feces
Flooding, a famous director, and the wisdom of children.Posted on August 20, 2009
At Your Service: Out To Eat
Feeling their pain.Posted on August 13, 2009
I Am A Security Guard
Karma cashiering.Posted on August 7, 2009
At Your Service: The Tip Jar
I want to save money too, but I need to make it in order to save it.Posted on August 6, 2009
I Am A Security Guard
I enable begging, addiction and tax evasion.Posted on August 4, 2009
At Your Service: Ode To A Pizzeria
Oh, local Chicago pizzeria, you surely kid!Posted on July 30, 2009
I Am A Security Guard
The mother followed her son out the store, perhaps not knowing that she had set herself up for major grief ten years down the road.Posted on July 23, 2009
At Your Service: Rock of Ages
I saw more little people making out with transgender hookers than I ever thought possible, and employees doing enough cocaine to give a DEA agent the shivers.Posted on July 8, 2009
I Am A Security Guard
For slightly better than minimum wage, I stand at my post and get my kicks by observing human frailty.Posted on July 7, 2009
At Your Service: Behind the Bar
Every time I hear "Let's rock and roll on that pizza" or "Let's pull the trigger on it," a little piece of me dies.Posted on July 2, 2009
At Your Service: First Dates And Foot Massages
It's not an accident we walk over and ask how everything is going while your mouth is full, then stand around until you answerPosted on June 24, 2009
At Your Service: Tales From The Front
Bloodied customers and foot fetishes.Posted on June 17, 2009
At Your Service: Don't Be A Dick
Chances are, the cook that night is a cokehead, the busser was hungover, your server hated your guts and the host warned everyone about what a pain you were.Posted on June 10, 2009
Barista! The Coffee Goes Cold
By Maude Perkins
Sure, I made an awful lot of transactional enemies, but I had even more allied customers that went largely unmentioned in this column. Let's be honest, you readers didn't care about them. You only wanted to know about the dipshits and the douchebags.Posted on May 14, 2007
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