Chicago - Mar. 18, 2010
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I Am A Security Guard: The Roaring 20s

By Jerome Haller
I resisted the urge to shove his face through the door. Instead, I called the police.

Posted on March 9, 2010

I Am A Security Guard: Where Is The Love?

By Jerome Haller
The New Cashier has a good heart, but can be flippant when someone ticks her off. Also, she had just dumped her loser boyfriend.

Posted on February 25, 2010

At Your Service: Holiday Hoedown

My manager tried to follow the group as they walked out. I tried to hold him back but he's a big guy.

Posted on January 11, 2010

I Am A Security Guard: Hairy Situations

Customer offenses.

Posted on December 10, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Profiling

Was the Head Guard targeting suspects based on skin color? I found out later that night.

Posted on November 13, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Nicknames

Churros, Coupons, Diapers, and Mr. Stinky.

Posted on November 12, 2009

At Your Service: Staff Unity

I'm not afraid to tackle a bitch.

Posted on October 29, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Origins Part 2

As time passed it became clear that several of the other guards were lazy, incompetent, or both.

Posted on October 13, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Origins Part 1

I enjoyed the sessions because they provided a taste of the real world. No one talked about handling dangerous visitors at my old office.

Posted on October 12, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Se Habla Espanol

He approached me and asked for "gay or raid."

Posted on September 25, 2009

At Your Service: The Stupid Season

I don't think I'll miss explaining a dozen times that our exit is located the same place you came in

Posted on September 24, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: My First Stakeout

The assistant manager kept grinning like a schoolboy sneaking a peek in the girls' locker room.

Posted on September 15, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Bad Moon Rising

I have my father's bad temper. This was the night I thought I might lose it - over cheap merchandise.

Posted on September 11, 2009

I Am A Roofer

Say what you will about trade unions, but this is exactly why most of them have some sort apprenticeship program that extends beyond, "Dude, what are you doing Monday morning?"

Posted on September 8, 2009

I Am A Security Guard: Darkest Before The Dawn

Hookers, drunks, addicts and lonely folks with nothing better to do stalk the aisles in the dead of night.

Posted on September 1, 2009

At Your Service: Neck-breakers

Ageless abstractions - like drunks and bad math.

Posted on August 27, 2009

At Your Service: Smells Like Feces

Flooding, a famous director, and the wisdom of children.

Posted on August 20, 2009

At Your Service: Out To Eat

Feeling their pain.

Posted on August 13, 2009

I Am A Security Guard

Karma cashiering.

Posted on August 7, 2009

At Your Service: The Tip Jar

I want to save money too, but I need to make it in order to save it.

Posted on August 6, 2009

I Am A Security Guard

I enable begging, addiction and tax evasion.

Posted on August 4, 2009

At Your Service: Ode To A Pizzeria

Oh, local Chicago pizzeria, you surely kid!

Posted on July 30, 2009

I Am A Security Guard

The mother followed her son out the store, perhaps not knowing that she had set herself up for major grief ten years down the road.

Posted on July 23, 2009

At Your Service: Rock of Ages

I saw more little people making out with transgender hookers than I ever thought possible, and employees doing enough cocaine to give a DEA agent the shivers.

Posted on July 8, 2009

I Am A Security Guard

For slightly better than minimum wage, I stand at my post and get my kicks by observing human frailty.

Posted on July 7, 2009

At Your Service: Behind the Bar

Every time I hear "Let's rock and roll on that pizza" or "Let's pull the trigger on it," a little piece of me dies.

Posted on July 2, 2009

At Your Service: First Dates And Foot Massages

It's not an accident we walk over and ask how everything is going while your mouth is full, then stand around until you answer

Posted on June 24, 2009

At Your Service: Tales From The Front

Bloodied customers and foot fetishes.

Posted on June 17, 2009

At Your Service: Don't Be A Dick

Chances are, the cook that night is a cokehead, the busser was hungover, your server hated your guts and the host warned everyone about what a pain you were.

Posted on June 10, 2009

Barista! The Coffee Goes Cold

By Maude Perkins
Sure, I made an awful lot of transactional enemies, but I had even more allied customers that went largely unmentioned in this column. Let's be honest, you readers didn't care about them. You only wanted to know about the dipshits and the douchebags.

Posted on May 14, 2007

MUSIC - Playlist: Like A Cloud.
TV - Undercover Boss at Arlington.
POLITICS - Grading Daley.
SPORTS - Beachwood Brackets!

BOOKS - The Moral Underground.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - A twisted tale of brotherly love.

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