By Jane HarperAt that point, I was kind of hoping the dog was back at home chewing up her hand-sewn Italian leather shoes.
Posted on October 19, 2015
By Jane HarperNobody likes to know what goes on backstage at a boutique. If they want to see things like that, they go to Walmart.
Posted on October 5, 2015
By Jane HarperKeep in mind: I do a lot of squatting down to scratch ears and I often come home covered in fur and drool.
Posted on September 24, 2015
By Jane HarperSo stop calling me at home.
Posted on September 1, 2015
By Jane HarperYour AmEx Black Card does not impress us. Also, If you're fifth in line, we'll get to you after we get to the four people in front of you.
Posted on August 25, 2015
By Guy EssenfahrThey always think the pizza is for them.
Posted on February 27, 2013
By Guy EssenfahrA job that's the only thing preventing me from becoming your kid's drug dealer.
Posted on June 15, 2012
By Jerome HallerFunny how the job-hunting process works.
Posted on July 17, 2011
By Jerome HallerI had watched him for the wrong reasons.
Posted on July 14, 2011
By Wrigley Beer ManLike any workplace, we've got our cliques.
Posted on June 30, 2011
By Jerome HallerA cocaine dealer by trade, he flashes a big wad of cash and talks loudly on a cell phone as though he were a big shot.
Posted on May 2, 2011
By Jerome HallerI once told the Nice Cashier that my favorite cross-dresser had nice legs.
Posted on January 20, 2011
By Jerome HallerWe assumed the Nice Cashier had served her time. Subsequent events proved us wrong.
Posted on January 17, 2011
By Jerome HallerPeople like me should not pack heat.
Posted on January 11, 2011
By Jerome HallerShe wore blue corduroy pants - and nothing else.
Posted on December 23, 2010
By Jerome HallerAlthough I don't like my job, the kindness of others has helped me to survive.
Posted on December 16, 2010
By Jerome HallerThe security company that rejected me did me a favor.
Posted on November 15, 2010
By Danny FenderNot on my shift.
Posted on August 4, 2010
By Jerome HallerAlthough decades have passed since the theft, I have not forgotten the fear and shame I felt that afternoon
Posted on July 28, 2010
By Jerome HallerAlthough the lookout and his partner had played me, Pitbull helped me get the last laugh.
Posted on July 27, 2010
By Jerome HallerIt's too easy to cross the line.
Posted on July 26, 2010
By Jerome HallerTruth be told, that cross-dresser ranks among the store's most polite customers.
Posted on June 22, 2010
By Jerome HallerDespite our best measures, shoplifters have a fighting chance.
Posted on June 21, 2010
By Jerome HallerI've written about people who are quirky, obnoxious or just plain ignorant. This time, I acknowledge that I've been the idiot on several occasions.
Posted on April 29, 2010
By Jerome HallerUltimately, drawing does more than provide a means to pass the time. It gives me a survival tool. Unlike my uncle, I can't give it up.
Posted on April 26, 2010
By Patty HunterI know that no matter what else is going on in my life, there will be hungry tourists waiting to tip me 10 percent.
Posted on March 25, 2010
By Jerome HallerI resisted the urge to shove his face through the door. Instead, I called the police.
Posted on March 9, 2010
By Jerome HallerThe New Cashier has a good heart, but can be flippant when someone ticks her off. Also, she had just dumped her loser boyfriend.
Posted on February 25, 2010
By Patty HunterMy manager tried to follow the group as they walked out. I tried to hold him back but he's a big guy.
Posted on January 11, 2010
By Jerome HallerCustomer offenses.
Posted on December 10, 2009
By Jerome HallerWas the Head Guard targeting suspects based on skin color? I found out later that night.
Posted on November 13, 2009
By Jerome HallerChurros, Coupons, Diapers, and Mr. Stinky.
Posted on November 12, 2009
By Patty HunterI'm not afraid to tackle a bitch.
Posted on October 29, 2009
By Jerome HallerAs time passed it became clear that several of the other guards were lazy, incompetent, or both.
Posted on October 13, 2009
By Jerome HallerI enjoyed the sessions because they provided a taste of the real world. No one talked about handling dangerous visitors at my old office.
Posted on October 12, 2009
By Jerome HallerHe approached me and asked for "gay or raid."
Posted on September 25, 2009
By Patty HunterI don't think I'll miss explaining a dozen times that our exit is located the same place you came in
Posted on September 24, 2009
By Jerome HallerThe assistant manager kept grinning like a schoolboy sneaking a peek in the girls' locker room.
Posted on September 15, 2009
By Jerome HallerI have my father's bad temper. This was the night I thought I might lose it - over cheap merchandise.
Posted on September 11, 2009
By Scott BucknerSay what you will about trade unions, but this is exactly why most of them have some sort apprenticeship program that extends beyond, "Dude, what are you doing Monday morning?"
Posted on September 8, 2009
By Jerome HallerHookers, drunks, addicts and lonely folks with nothing better to do stalk the aisles in the dead of night.
Posted on September 1, 2009
By Patty HunterAgeless abstractions - like drunks and bad math.
Posted on August 27, 2009
By Patty HunterFlooding, a famous director, and the wisdom of children.
Posted on August 20, 2009
By Patty HunterFeeling their pain.
Posted on August 13, 2009
By Jerome HallerI jinxed it.
Posted on August 7, 2009
By Patty HunterI want to save money too, but I need to make it in order to save it.
Posted on August 6, 2009
By Jerome HallerI Got Out Of Bed For This?
Posted on August 4, 2009
By Patty HunterOh, local Chicago pizzeria, you surely kid!
Posted on July 30, 2009
By Jerome HallerThe mother followed her son out the store, perhaps not knowing that she had set herself up for major grief ten years down the road.
Posted on July 23, 2009
By Patty HunterI saw more little people making out with transgender hookers than I ever thought possible, and employees doing enough cocaine to give a DEA agent the shivers.
Posted on July 8, 2009
By Jerome HallerFor slightly better than minimum wage, I stand at my post and get my kicks by observing human frailty.
Posted on July 7, 2009
By Patty HunterEvery time I hear "Let's rock and roll on that pizza" or "Let's pull the trigger on it," a little piece of me dies.
Posted on July 2, 2009
By Patty HunterIt's not an accident we walk over and ask how everything is going while your mouth is full, then stand around until you answer
Posted on June 24, 2009
By Patty HunterBloodied customers and foot fetishes.
Posted on June 17, 2009
By Patty HunterChances are, the cook that night is a cokehead, the busser was hungover, your server hated your guts and the host warned everyone about what a pain you were.
Posted on June 10, 2009
By Maude PerkinsSure, I made an awful lot of transactional enemies, but I had even more allied customers that went largely unmentioned in this column. Let's be honest, you readers didn't care about them. You only wanted to know about the dipshits and the douchebags.
Posted on May 14, 2007
By Maude PerkinsI reached behind her stupid bouffant and slammed her face straight into the countertop, hot Americano spilling all about her and scalding her face. Well, that isn't exactly how the transaction ended. Per se.
Posted on April 11, 2007
By Maude PerkinsA customer informs us that our district manager is the most self-centered, egotistical person he has ever overheard. Our customers are getting smarter every day.
Posted on March 26, 2007
By Maude PerkinsA plea to Head Bean: Heed Barista's call before you end up with indoor playgrounds and a do-gooder mascot.
Posted on March 15, 2007
By Maude PerkinsWe abide by a mentality to cater to nitpicky drink requests, but let's be honest, people have taken this small, innocent privilege and shit all over it.
Posted on March 5, 2007
By Maude PerkinsLady, you just ordered two sizes and no actual drink there.
Posted on February 28, 2007
By Maude PerkinsOne minute to close, all lights are out, regardless of people still in store. You didn't get the fucking message four minutes ago? Now you can feel your way to the door. Thank you, come again.
Posted on February 18, 2007
By Maude PerkinsSure, I wasn't necessarily the nicest I could have been, but at least I didn't tell her to go have her Grey's Anatomy conversation somewhere else.
Posted on February 11, 2007
By Maude PerkinsThe district manager threatened to write up any manager whose baristas were not suggestively selling to every customer. And then we, the supervisors, would also be written up for allowing non-suggesting to occur on our shifts.
Posted on February 2, 2007
By Maude PerkinsWhen District Manager Nimrod scoots on over from Pizza Hut without ever drinking a cup of coffee and barks orders at the people who have espresso endlessly caked under their fingernails, the system tends to break down.
Posted on January 23, 2007
By Maude PerkinsOne of these days (probably in February when I'm over the resolution thing), I'm going to emphasize to him that he can buy those cool French press things, and decaf espresso, and do it his goddamn self.
Posted on January 18, 2007
By Maude PerkinsWho knew where that missing glove had been? I mean, besides floating around the cocoa urn.
Posted on January 3, 2007
By Maude PerkinsI wanted to smash his head through the glass so he could get a closer look at the superior quality of people he was degrading.
Posted on December 27, 2006
By Maude PerkinsMost of the homeless people are dazzling conversationalists. Whether they are talking with themselves, each other, or with you, it is never short of fascinating.
Posted on December 18, 2006
By Maude PerkinsIf this guy really had to cut corners, he'd forego his daily, overpriced corporate coffee. But maybe the cup with the familiar logo on it is too much of a status symbol to give up - like his Lexus. I wonder if he bargains for refills at the gas station.
Posted on December 11, 2006
By Maude PerkinsI realize, by the way, that some of you may think it would be cute and somehow appropriate to spell the "Corner" in Kids Corner with a "K." But there's nothing cute about it.
Posted on December 7, 2006
By Maude PerkinsBarista gives peace a chance - and finds it lacking.
Posted on November 23, 2006
By Maude PerkinsWith only two of us working at the time, I nearly fashioned myself a gun out of rubber bands, spoons and whole beans to take aim at this blonde wench as she did an eager dance outside the store window.
Posted on November 19, 2006
By Maude PerkinsThere are perks to the job - being snide to customers who can take it and working with co-workers who are equally as dark. Plus, the coffee smells great.
Posted on November 12, 2006
By Maude PerkinsThe company I work for all but blows Santa for eight weeks straight. Nine, if you count this week - the one preparing, training, unwrapping, decorating, and stomaching for the main stretch.
Posted on November 5, 2006
By Maude PerkinsI don't advise being a douche to those preparing products for you to put in your mouth.
Posted on November 1, 2006
By Maude PerkinsI explained that anytime you put something in your mouth - or even get in your car to drive to the local coffee shop - you are putting your life at risk. And I warned him not to sue. Problem solved.
Posted on October 21, 2006
By Maude PerkinsI don't know what utopian coffee village employs our trainer, but my observation to the class was that not everyone wants to have their day enriched by a chipper barista; especially not the pre-caffeinated majority that is our customer base.
Posted on October 16, 2006
By Maude PerkinsThe pastry case looked a little weak, my manager said. Maybe we ought to do something about it. We meant me.
Posted on October 9, 2006
By J. BirdRemember the Clinton years when you could lose your job and have a new one five minutes later? Sigh.
Posted on October 5, 2006
By J. BirdEven unemployment can be a grind.
Posted on October 2, 2006
By J. BirdI was once really really desperate to learn goat husbandry in the Arizona desert. Didn't happen. This isn't a world where you can really be whatever you want to be.
Posted on September 29, 2006
By J. BirdMy parents are returning home soon from vacation. I'm adjusting my personal threat level to orange.
Posted on September 28, 2006
By J. BirdEven the unemployed call in sick sometimes.
Posted on September 27, 2006
By J. BirdIt's not only payday I miss; it's the anticipation of payday as it nears. I also miss that loud office guy talking about his weekend nightclub conquests.
Posted on September 26, 2006
By J. BirdSomeone told my parents I no longer have a job. That wasn't part of the plan. Now I must find the leaker and exact revenge.
Posted on September 25, 2006
By J. BirdI tested above the 50th percentile, so at least I can still claim to be above average, even if I don't know how to use Excel.
Posted on September 22, 2006
By J. BirdDoesn't everybody lose their Social Security card? I mean, do you know where yours is?
Posted on September 21, 2006
By J. BirdI don't want to face it again. Not the getting fired part; the getting hired part.
Posted on September 20, 2006
By J. BirdIf you have too many days where you don't get out of bed, you seem to lose some sense of . . . something. I'm not sure what. But something.
Posted on September 19, 2006
By J. BirdI have no pressing engagements. Just a pressing, re-occuring thought: "Well, hell, do I really need to get out of my pajamas today?"
Posted on September 18, 2006
By J. BirdMy dad is a totally rational person until he hears me say something like, "I think I'm going to apply to be a private eye." Then he totally loses his shit.
Posted on September 15, 2006
By J. BirdI guess the Boss really did think I was as dumb as I thought he thought I was.
Posted on September 14, 2006
By J. BirdTechnically I wasn't "fired" or "terminated." I just wasn't the "right fit."
Posted on September 13, 2006
By J. BirdSometimes work sucks even more than usual.
Posted on September 12, 2006
By J. BirdBetter to stay home from work one day than feel lousy at work for several, and wind up on antibiotics. No matter what The Boss thinks.
Posted on September 11, 2006
By J. BirdWhen you work in a building a gajillion feet in the air, the Internet is your only access to the outside world. When the Net goes down, you're fucked.
Posted on September 8, 2006
By J. BirdBeing a downtown drone in a black suit is, most decidedly, not who I am. And yet, that is who I am forced to be 40 hours a week.
Posted on September 7, 2006
By J. BirdWhen I get home from work, my dog has to wait til I've changed into my "real" clothes before I'll play with him, not because I don't want my work clothes to get dirty, but because I can't stand to wear them for another minute.
Posted on September 6, 2006
By J. BirdThere's currently a battle in the suite in which I work. It's between individuals who work on either side of reception. It's the office equivalent of Civil War.
Posted on September 5, 2006
By J. BirdMy coworker and I recently got titles. She is "Executive Assistant." I am "Personal Assistant." This seems to mean that she gets to answer the phone and sort out what bills need to be paid while I get to be a personal (verbal) punching bag when the boss is in one of his "moods."
Posted on August 31, 2006
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